Long lost life

Eve stared at the picture, which she did not remember taking. “Wow, we must have been like sixteen, eighteen max”, she thought and sighed. She sat down on the floor, her hand still holding the picture, but very softly, as though it might break or vanish into thin air if touched too harshly. She would not have guessed to find such a picture from her youth while clearing the attic of her parents' house. When she was younger, she made sure to glue all her favourite photos into photo albums. She was very meticulous and orderly that way. But now, there it was and there she was. In the middle of old boxes with souvenirs and childhood paintings or drawings, surrounded by old shoes with holes bearing witness of sunlit summers and splendid springs outside. Was it corny or just plain sentimental that her mum saved it all? "For you. Trust me, one day you'll cherish it", her mum used to say. She was right.

Eve's plan was just to help out her mum a little. “Help me clear it out, Eve, please. Sadly, we do have to sell the house after all, darling. I can watch Amanda for you. Sort out what you want to keep,” was her mother's demand. Eve, being currently at home with her three-year-old daughter Amanda, jumped at the occasion to “give something back”. Her mother had always been a huge support, especially after Amanda's birth. Furthermore, Eve had hoped to find something that she could sell. In a way like pocket money from her previous self. She had thought of old books, for example, even though they do not sell that well. Or maybe an antique vase whose worth she hadn't appreciated before. With a bit of luck, she would get enough to buy herself a new skirt or get her nails done. She couldn't remember the last time she felt beautiful... “Gosh, that sounds terrible. Self-pity alert. My life is fine as it is." She said loudly to herself, smiling. And she really felt it. She had a beautiful daughter that she loved endlessly, a compassionate and thoughtful husband, a comfy apartment in a town she chose as her home and a job which she had worked hard for and where she could support students on a daily basis. Everything was fine and she was lucky to lead this life. Then again, now that she looked, or better yet stared, at this picture of her friends from a different lifetime, she felt a piercing, consistant sadness in her stomach. To be more exact, it was as if sadness and some other feeling were intertwined. What was this other feeling? It wasn't love, it wasn't as strong as that but it was not just sympathy, that would be too weak. Something in between maybe.

There was Catherine who once was one of her best friends, before she died in a car accident in her early twenties. Eve missed Catherine. Catherine's smile was as captivating as always and in the picture she had put an arm around Ben, Eve's ex-boyfriend. Ben... Even after all those years, her feelings were not completely gone. They were metamorphosed. Eve became more nostalgic. She was not in love with him anymore but she felt a deep connection to him – or rather to the Ben she had known fifteen years ago. She had not spoken to him since the break-up. He had said that he did not want to "stay friends". Whatever that actually means. Eve didn't blame him. But she had always been a little sad because of it. She would have loved to keep him in her life forever. Not just like a memory of joyous days and long nights full of music, laughter, great food and lightness. Those were days of foolish fun and spontaneity, when Eve had only herself to think of. She was not needed back in the day like she is today. She was young and sorrows were seldom. Looking at this picture, Eve longed for the carefreeness and for the romantic acts of love Ben used to provide so often.

Everything in life changes constantly. We get older, we finish our training, we move houses, we become parents. The person that we once were is changed. But how wonderful would it be to keep a part of your previous life by keeping all your beloved people in your life? Eve really regreted having lost Ben. There were lots of precious memories of their time together. When they were sitting in his small but charismatic car listening to the same CDs again and again, singing along with the music or when they watched one classic after another and discussed the films in detail afterwards. Not so much the lover was what Eve missed but the friendship that served as the basis. It is so strange. Ben, Catherine and Eve were once inseparable. They saw each other several times a week, spoke about future plans and past mistakes. There were not many secrets amongst them. Whenever something happened to one "part" of the "triangle", the others knew about it really fast. Ben knew about Eve's favourite song and dish, Eve knew about Catherine's love crush and Ben's hopes for his future. He had always wanted to make documentaries and travel the world. "I wonder whether he managed to make that work", Eve thought. "And, if he is married as well? Probably, he was a great partner."

Previously, Ben and Catherine were an enormous part of Eve's life. How could she have allowed for it to be lost?

And if she just tried to contact Ben? It would be easy thanks to social media.

Would they still "click"? How had he changed? Did he even want to talk to Eve, after all those years, and more importantly, after having made clear that he did not want to keep in touch? He could also be angry at her for not accepting his wishes. Maybe Eve was just selfish. She was pondering the options, weighing up the fear of rejection and the curiosity she felt.

She took out her smartphone and typed in Ben's first name and surname. A profile popped up. It had been easier than imagined. His style had not changed much. The same sporty, kind of edgy, relaxed style he had worn before. Eve remarked a few wrinkles and a more rounded face, but the same well-known smile. Eve felt nervous but in the exciting way. Giggly. Hopeful. Smiling. Her body was a live wire.

What remained to be done was just to click on "befriend". As if it was that easy. The old friendship reactivated by one double-click? Would clicking on "befriend" erase the silly, mean, embarrassing acts of the past? Eve doubted it. But maybe he would reply and double-click as well and they could talk again?

Eve was still sitting on the floor, holding the picture in one hand and her mobile phone in the other one, up in the attic. Hesitating. Pondering in silence.

Finally, she double-clicked on "befriend".