Empty man

CW: suicide

I sit here, under the bridge, watching the river go by and think of my past. I remember all of my mistakes and all my cowardice.

I look down at my grandfather’s revolver and look at the six empty chamber. “One for everyone I’ve failed.” I pulled out the bullets from my pocket, took one in my fingers and rolled it between my fingers. “Such a little thing, yet it has the power to free me and everyone from me.”

I take the bullet and insert it into the chamber. “The first bullet for the love lost and never gained. I’m sorry for never trying, and never even giving us a chance and maybe making you happy.” I remembered all my past crushes. Gave a chuckle “I still remember my 1^st one, I don’t even know her name. I was still five and well, to me she was gorgeous.” I kept remembering her long wavy blond hair, fair skin, and blue eyes. “I wish I could see her now, she must be the most beautiful woman by now.”

As I remembered all that, my teen years passed by. “Oh, right my teens, the times when you’re supposed to go wild and experience stuff… I didn’t even try to talk to them. Man was I pathetic, even to the ones who seemed to show interest.” The teen years past me by fast, since I was even too scared to talk to them.

And I remembered my last and probably the one who has still lasted. The one I friended, but never admitted. “She was strong, independent, but still had her weaknesses.” It made me smile, just thinking about her. At the time we met, she already had a boyfriend, but I was fine with it, as long as I had time with her. “Man, she was fun to be around, even our humour was the same.” I never tried too much, we just kind of hit it off but stayed friends.

It was all going easy, but then, she broke up with her boyfriend. I thought I had a chance. I got in contact more often, we would chat for ours with almost 500 messages a day, but I got scared and I broke off for a month. I had never forgotten myself that. “Man…. What could’ve been.” I looked back at all my cowardice and missed chances. “I’m sorry, I know I could’ve made things different, I know I could’ve made things better. I’m sorry for never giving any of us a chance.”

I loaded the second bullet into the chamber. “A bullet for all my families hopes for me.”

I used to be a smart kid, always one of the best in class, but I never reach for anything. I would always get high grades without trying and always have people call me smart or Poindexter. The high school was my time to shine, but instead I turned into the person who ditches classes. I was the guy who didn’t do any assignments and slept through classes. I was the boy who turned from an excellent student, to a barely passing student in just 3 years.

That’s when my Uni day started. At first, I thought “This is the time, this is when I’ll show everyone what I can do.” But as I fast learnt, if you go down the lazy road, you stick on it and never really leave it. I would skip lectures, cheat on tests, and lie about everything related to Uni to everyone around. I was ashamed, but I didn’t know what to do and I was too afraid to tell anyone that I was lost since I felt that I was not allowed to be. “I’m sorry Mom, Dad, Grandpa and Grandma. I didn’t really try, and I never wanted to make you lose hope in me, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t find myself anymore. I’m sorry everyone. I truly hope that one day you’ll forgive me for what I’ve done.”

I load another bullet. “A bullet for the future I could’ve had.” All my past mistakes mixed together and all that I could be, slowly evaporated. I gave up on everything I ever tried because it either got too hard, too easy, or just too boring to repeat. Every class I took, I would excel at in the start, and I would lose interest. Everything I would try myself I’d give up because it was too hard. I always ended up as a quitter for one reason or another.

I raised my head as I looked at the stary nigh sky and tears started to show in my eyes. “I’m sorry, whoever is up there, I’m sorry I couldn’t do what you intended me to do.” As I recall all that I had wished to be, to do and become. All the professions I declined myself just because they seemed too hard to do or took too long of a time to get. I could’ve done something to help people, but I was too afraid of failure.

I loaded another bullet. “A bullet for my sister. I always looked up to you, always thought of you as the best there is. I knew you relied on me after our Dad’s death, but I could never really be the man you wanted me to be. Who everyone wanted me to be.” Tears just started streaming down my face.

“I remember the time Mom had to tell us what happened. How we both cried. It took me some time to calm myself down after what had happened, but I never got over it.” As I sat there, tears pooling from my face like an open faucet. “I never told this to anyone, but I never moved on. I locked myself down from all emotions, since I thought a real man should be strong no matter what. But I was wrong.” I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand. “I tried to be there, every day, I would be there when you got back home. I would listen to you talk about all that had happened and try to help you whenever something happened, but I know I should’ve done more, I could’ve done more and help you become so much more.” I looked at the bullet I had just put in, unable to stop myself from tearing up. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry I didn’t do more, I’m sorry I couldn’t have been more.”

I loaded another bullet. “A bullet for the one I’ve failed the most. A bullet for myself. The one person I could never love, but always hate. The one man that I always felt was never good enough.” I didn’t feel sad as I put the bullet in. I felt relieved about the bullet I put in. “I guess, this is what I’ve always wanted but was never brave enough to do.” Tears still trickling from my face, I gave a weak chuckle. “I always though, I was better than this. I was strong enough to keep pushing even as everything around me kept falling and crumbling down.”

I lowered the gun for a moment reflecting on myself and my past. “Man, why could I never believe in myself? What made me feel so worthless and bad all the time.” And that was the moment I realised what made me who I am today. “It’s because I blame myself. I blame myself not only about what happened to Dad, but everything that’s ever gone wrong in my life.” Realisation hit me and for some reason it just lit hate in me. “it’s not that I didn’t believe in myself, it’s that I hated myself for all this time. I ask myself to forgive me this last time. I did try my best. I hope, that as the day ends, in one way or another, I will have found peace with myself and found a way to forgive myself”

As I look at the last bullet in my hand and the last empty chamber. “I guess this would be the bullet for what was is and will be fated.” I said to myself. “But it’s not really up to me to judge what my fate has been or will be.” I said as I put the last bullet away and pushed the cylinder back into the gun. “I guess this is it.” I laid my hand against the cylinder. “I truly hope that everyone can forgive me for what I’ve done.” I gave the cylinder a spin and lined it up against my head. Tears flooding from my eyes. “I’m Sorry everyone, I love you all, but I just can’t. I can’t do this.” I started to slowly press on the trigger, the hammer recoiling back. “All of this… I have made me lose all purpose, all of my look towards the future… I’ve become empty inside, I have nothing to hold on anymore.” As the hammer reached the far back and came back, it hit the chamber.

I hear a click. I opened my eyes, a smile appeared on my face. I somehow felt relieved, almost happy. “Maybe, maybe the fate still has some use for me.” I gave out a huge sigh and got up. “I fell a lot better now. I’ve finally said all I had to say. I’ve emptied all my locked-up feeling.” I said with joy on my face. “I think, I think I’ve even allowed myself to forgive myself.” I put the gun down and left it under the bridge. “I should hurry home, everyone is probably worried about me.” I got out from under the bridge and started heading back. “I will try harder now, I will set goals and try my best to reach them. Maybe, maybe if I’m able… I’ll try to contact the girl I can’t forget and try my luck there.” I felt all of my burdens leave me as I walked home. I almost skipped home. I felt warm inside.

About three days had passed. And a girl named Beth was walking past the place where I had sat, the place where I had held my gun. That was the day, the police came and took my body away.