Eleanor

“You’re checking your phone again.” 

“I received a text.” 

“I assumed that when your phone dinged again. From the look on your face – I think – that text wasn’t just a reminder for your next – I don’t know – doctor appointment? Or your mothership beaming you back up?” 

“...” 

“Uh… Zack? My man?” 

“I’m not your man.” 

“Can you not be so literal? Who’s the text from?” 

“Eleanor. She says, ‘I’m her man.’ Though I’m not sure what that means.” 

“Eleanor? Eleanor who? Are you ignoring me? Who is Eleanor?” 

“Eleanor and I have another date coming up.”

“Date? You – you – have a date? Another date? You don’t have friends! How do you have a date?” 

“Are we not friends?” 

“We’re… co-workers. Pseudo-friends, maybe. I guess we’re friends. That’s not the point. Who is Eleanor?”

“Eleanor ‘Ellie’ Grant.”

“That… GOD! You are frustrating. A woman is texting you? As in a live woman? Correct?”

“Correct.” 

“Why?” 

“Eleanor was confirming our date plans. Did I not just state that?”

“Date? You slept with Nikki in accounting, who refuses to speak to you –”

“You have yet to explain to me what what Nikki said meant.” 

“She wanted you to figure it out! I… am not getting in the middle of the Nikki mess. But you now have another woman making plans with you? How?” 

“…”

“Hello? Eleanor? Details?” 

“...”

“Are you ignoring me?”

“I am responding to Eleanor and you.”

“You are totally ignoring me!”

“Now I am trying to return to work. And you never answered my question.”

“No! You need to stop and tell me about this, Eleanor. If she even exists. No… that wasn’t…”

“Eleanor responded.”

“How?”

“We are having a conversation. You have several doctorates. Do you not know what a conversation is?” 

“You don’t have conversations. You talk at people. Like right now. Do you know what conversations are?”

“I converse with Eleanor. I assumed we were conversing as it was interrupting my work.”

“What did Eleanor say? Give me that phone!”

“Eleanor was right. You don’t believe I can form meaningful human connections.”

“Not with that textbook spouting crap. Come on! Who are you really getting texts from?”

“I have a height advantage. Why are you trying to take my phone?”

“Ow!”

“Eleanor said you would do this too. Fascinating.”

“There is no way this magical ‘Eleanor’ said that. Actually, you know what? Prove it. Show me a picture of ‘Eleanor’.”

“I’m not sure what that proves. But ok.” 

“Whoa. That girl is… way too pretty for you. Or me. She’s in the stratosphere, and we’re… Where’d you meet Eleanor?”

“I’m unsure how relevant that question is to your original inquiry.” 

“Because a woman – and oh, is she a woman! – like that is not the kind of woman who converses with people like us. And I refuse to believe a woman like that is named Eleanor!” 

“We share several interests.” 

“Details. You are lacking in the details. Where could you two have possibly gone that you’d share an interest?” 

“An author event.” 

“Author event? Like a book signing?” 

“Yes, similar to that.” 

“What kind of book signing?” 

“The recently released space zombie book...” 

“Aaron didn’t believe you existed.”

“Zack didn’t tell me you were coming to visit in the office. I’m…” 

“Aaron. I gathered.” 

“You’re… Eleanor? Hello, Eleanor.” 

“Is Aaron always this annoying?”

“Yes, he is.”

“So… zombies, Eleanor?”

“Ellie. And zombies in space. Was I correct?”

“He’s been fixated on whether I am capable of having a relationship or even a conversation since you texted me.” 

“So, I was correct.” 

“You were correct.” 

“Did you two have a bet? Was this all a playful ruse? A ruse that I might take full advantage of…?” 

“He’s really quite annoying.” 

“Some of the time, yes, he is. I would back away, Aaron. She is well versed in self-defense.” 

“I’m willing to…” 

“I’m not. I got us some early dinner reservations before the concert tonight. But first…” 

“Wait. Whoa! Stop! Are you two… you two are really going on a date tonight?” 

“Zack, you said he had multiple doctorates, but he does not seem very fast on the uptake.” 

“Yes. That is disappointing that he doesn’t seem to understand faster. And it’s a common occurrence.”

“Well, Aaron, you are correct. We’re going on a date tonight. But we also have a lunch date. Two people can have multiple dates in a day. With the same person.” 

“Did you hear about Nikki in accounting?” 

“Of course I did. And… interesting that you would bring Nikki up.” 

“We discussed Nikki at length.”

“You discussed the last woman you slept with, with the woman you’re presumably trying to sleep with? Bold move, man. Not the move I would make.” 

“Stop grinding your teeth, Zack. I find it more interesting you refused to tell him what he did that was socially unacceptable or awkward.”

“I would just like to finish my work so we can go to lunch.” 

“I thought when you said date you meant… dinner and…”

“I brought lunch. We don’t have to leave. Hand, please.” 

“Zack? Bud? I’m concerned. What is she doing to you? And here at work? You do know what date means in the vernacular.”

“Feel better?” 

“I’d feel better if I had some quiet to finish my work. But I appreciate the gesture.” 

“I am going to heat this meal up. Maybe someone – ahem – can show me where your lunch room is.” 

“...” 

“Aaron?” 

“Fine. We’ll discuss this later.” 

“Nothing to discuss. My hypothesis was incorrect. Eleanor – I mean Ellie – was correct; you don’t believe I can form meaningful emotional connections.” 

“Dude. I’m a little more than a little worried about you and whoever the hell this woman is.” 

“Ahem?” 

“Oh! Fine. We will talk later. Come on, Ellie.” 

“Is the door closed?”

“Yes! But, look, you can quit with the... fake pleasantries and stuff. What are you doing with my friend?”

“Friend? That’s what you are? Because you don’t sound much like a friend.” 

“I’m the only friend he’s got here. Everyone else…” 

“Treats him differently because Zack’s neurodivergent?” 

“Look, use all the euphemisms you want. Zack doesn’t get…” 

“Social cues? Typical social interactions? Stop me when I’m wrong. He gets overloaded with sensory input and…” 

“What are you using him for if you know all this?” 

“Nothing! Despite what your sadly small typical mind can come up with, I care about Zack.” 

“You? You care about Zack? What do you even know?” 

“I know that deep pressure stimulation can aid in resetting the nervous system. Which helps to calm the nerves.”

“Deep… oh, my God. Are you a walking HR disaster…” 

“The hand thing, you moron! I’m seriously questioning how you have multiple doctorates! I was massaging his hand because hugging Zack or something similar would only get you further up in arms than you already are!” 

“Wait. Did you, like, research that or something?” 

“Or something. Not sure it’s any of your business. But goodness! Heaven forbid someone cares about Zack in a more than platonic way just because his brain works differently than yours – which by the way great job not explaining why that Nikki girl got all pissed at him! – it doesn’t mean no one can care about him or like him in a romantic way! Get your head out of your…” 

“Ok! I get it!” 

“Did you ever think there was a reason he hasn’t told you he’s had a girlfriend for three months?” 

“Girlfriend? Three months?” 

“Actually, he probably doesn’t think of me that way, but…”

“I appreciate that you’re validating our relationship and putting Aaron in his place. But, Ellie?” 

“Still weird to call me Ellie?”

“I prefer Eleanor.” 

“You can call me Eleanor.”

“But you’re both louder and more distracting, and I’ll never get this work done, and then…” 

“We can’t have lunch. I understand. We’re leaving, for real this time.” 

“I’ll… catch up. The lunchroom is upstairs, overlooking the office, on the balcony.” 

“If you’re going to interrupt me again…” 

“I’m sorry.”

“An apology is meaningless unless you specify why you are apologizing.” 

“Oh, I have a lot to apologize for, I think. But why didn’t you mention you had a girlfriend?”

“Girlfriend?” 

“Three months? How many dates have you been on?” 

“She never specified them as dates.” 

“Have you two slept together?” 

“Why are we still conversing? I need to finish my work.” 

“Eleanor has infinite patience.” 

“She’s very… soothing to be around. I enjoy our time together very much. You’re sure Eleanor is my girlfriend?”

“Well, I wouldn’t just say girlfriend. I’d say you won the girlfriend lottery. And…  I’m sorry for thinking any differently, man. I should have told you what Nikki meant when she said…”

“I need to work!” 

“Right. Bye.”