An Illusion In White

Trigger warning: self-harm

I clicked the lock in place as I entered my small apartment. I looked at the dark apartment feeling the darkness closing in on me as if attracted to the darkness within my heart. The atmosphere was cold and lifeless just as I wanted it, it reminded me that I’m not supposed to be here, to be like this.

I placed my backpack at the door and walked straight to my bedroom, took out some a shirt and a new pair of boxers before making my way into the small bathroom. After I stripped down, I turned to see myself reflected in the mirror, I had grown thinner but then again, I didn’t feel like eating as much so it was fine. I deserve this, this is my punishment.

Some minutes later I got out the shower and my eyes landed on the small mini fridge I had in the apartment I thought aloud, “Should I eat something?”

“Do you deserve to eat Arch?”

He was right, like always. I drank a bit of water and wearily dragged my heavy body to the bed all I wanted now was to sleep.

I was surrounded by the darkness again as I lay in bed but, it didn’t bother me anymore. Instead I welcomed it now, a place where no one could see me, my ugly self, no one would see the real me…

The Murderer….

The darkness of my dreams was the only place I could see him now and hear him. I sat in the darkness waiting for him to come as he always did.  “Hello Arch…”

I smiled weakly up at the twenty- year old in front of me saying, “Hello Ben.”, he looked at me saying, “Aren’t you going to call me Benny anymore.”

“I can’t.” I replied shortly, “I miss you, you know….”

“You killed me!!”

“I’m tired of it all. Should I give up?”

“NO!!” he shouted, “You can’t give up just because you’re tired. You should suffer more. Suffer longer!!” he shouted angrily. I gave another soft smile saying, “Okay, I will. As long as I can.”

As I said that the darkness faded and I felt my eyes flutter open against the sunlight that shined through the glass. A groan escaped past my lips as I used my scrawny arms to shield my eyes. I got up and got dressed for the day. I didn’t care much for what I wore and just picked up whatever was clean. I grabbed some yogurt from the fridge as I made my way out to begin another day.

The diner I worked at was twenty minutes away from my shabby apartment, I managed to make it in time so I wouldn’t get scolded today. I quickly put on my uniform and went out the front running my hand through my hair in an attempt to tame it but hardly succeeding. As soon as Clare, the diner’s owner saw me she gave me a light smiled and told me to go to the booth at the end. I nodded and grabbed two menus and quickly went to the booth.

I saw it was just single man who seemed my age seated with his back towards me scrolling through his phone he waited. I placed a menu in front of him asking, “Would you like to order now? Or should I come back in a bit?” The man looked up at me with a grin saying, “I’ll order now, thanks” I gave the usual fake smile I throw at everyone else and waited.

“I’ll have a bacon and eggs special and some blueberry pancakes and…. Uhm… some coffee.” He stated moments later. I nodded, “Alright then.” With that I turned around to place his order, as I walked away, I felt his eyes follow me. I wondered if I knew the guy from anywhere but I dismissed it soon enough.

Not long after I returned wait the man’s order, while I was taking other orders, I couldn’t help but notice that he had his eyes on me almost the entire time, if I looked back him, he would just grin. After the first few times I ignored him and continued doing my job. As I placed the plates in front of me, he kept staring at my face but I ignored him and said, “Let me know if you need anything else.” I was about to turn back when he stumbled, “Actually… uh, I’m sorry. I just need to confirm something.” I nodded at him to continue.

“You’re Arch right? Arch Miller?”

I was surprised he knew my name and my face probably showed it and my confusion about his own identity because he giddily said, “I knew it!! You’ve really… changed though… It’s me, Daniel Kim remember? We were in High School together.”

While the name did sound familiar, I couldn’t place a face to it. I distanced myself from everyone after That Day and have forgotten everyone, well everyone except for Ben… I shook my head saying, “I don’t. I have work to do now.” With that I walked away hoping to never see him again. The entire time after that, Daniel sat in the booth for as long as he could trying to strike up a conversation as I passed by.

By the time he left I left out a sign in relief and continued on with my day. By the time my work ended it was near to nine pm. I quickly changed and rushed out the door when suddenly a hand grabbed my wrist, I shifted my body ready to throw a punch at the person only to see it was Daniel. I shuttered in shock, “Da-Daniel!?? What the hell man?!” I pulled my hand back demanding he let me go. Daniel raised both hands in a show of surrender apologizing, “Sorry man, I wanted to catch you before you could disappear on me again…” I let out the breath I was holding and went on, “Dude, listen up alright. I don’t remember you okay? And to be honest I don’t want to either. So, let’s forget we ever met yeah?” I patted his shoulder once and took off running again, I glanced at my watch and saw I was already late for my next job I swore out loudly as I pushed my legs to run even faster. Once I reached the bar “Sweet Kiss” I quickly went around the back and to the lockers and got changed into my bartender uniform. Jacob- my boss, wouldn’t mind but I still hated being late.

Jacob gave me one of his easy smiles as he poured a guy his glass of whiskey. I quickly rushed to help him apologizing along, “Sorry Jac, someone stopped while I got off my other job.”

“Don’t worry ‘bout it Arch. I wanted to ask if you’d be able to handle tonight on your own? My girls need me home earlier tonight.” I smiled at him replying, “Of course, I’ll be fine. And tell them I said hi.” Jacob looked at me gratefully as he threw the keys to me and went to the back shouting, “Close up earlier if you get tired.” I didn’t reply since he couldn’t see me nor would he hear me. Jacob was a single dad of a pair of really cute girls- Jeanne and Lizanne, the twins inherited their mum’s name- Anne, when she died after giving birth to them. I babysit the twins if Jacob has to get off late or can’t make it home early enough.

It was well into the night, the stream of customers were steady and the regulars popped in at their usual time making small talk, another half an hour before closing time, there were no customers everyone had had their fill and went on their way, I was contemplating if I should close a bit earlier or not when I saw the door swing open from the corners of my eyes, I turned in that direction saying, “Welco-“ I couldn’t continue as my brain registered the face: Daniel Kim again, my eyes narrowed wondering if he followed me here but he looked just as shocked to see me.

He quickly flailed his arms about trying to say something, I waited to see what he would say, “A-Arch!! I swear!! Th-This is all a coincidence!!! I had no idea you worked here.” I let a small chuckle fall through my lips as I said, “I realized. Unless you are a really good actor, you did look genuinely shocked to see me.” He let out a sigh in relief and sat on one of the high stools opposite me.

“So, want can I get you?”

He replied with a grin pulling at his lips, “Your recommendation!”

I scoffed and got to work. He sat their until it was time to close sipping at the Cherry Wing I made, talking about whatever came to his mind. When I told him, it was time for me to close he downed the last of his drink and stood up saying, “I’ll be waiting outside.” Before I could get a word out, he was already shutting the door behind him. I just sighed and started to clean up and shut everything.

I got changed and went out to check if he was really waiting out there and to my surprise he was, when he saw me, he grinned, “You took a while, I was wondering if you ditched me”

I ignored what he said and instead asked, “Why are you waiting here?” He looked a bit confused before he answered, “I wanted to eat with you, it seemed like you haven’t had dinner yet. My treat!” he quickly added the last sentence. I wanted to tell him that I didn’t want any and to go on my way but, I had this sinking feeling that he wasn’t the type to listen to want others tell him. So, I gave a tired nod instead and followed behind him.

Over the course of the next few weeks Daniel would stop by either the diner or the bar, sometimes we would go to eat or just walk around snacking on something and talking. A few times he even tired walking me home but, I didn’t want him to know where I lived. I wanted to have that space to me, the place where no one could intrude on, where I could hear His voice echo in my head, reminding me of what I had done, making sure I remembered Him, and I…. I needed that. Over the years I realized that the pain and the suffering became a necessity to me I had to- no, I needed it all: The sound of His voice, the pain, the cutting, the sight of my blood, the pangs of hunger, the fogginess of my tired mind, the heaviness of my body; I found my peace in this chaos and I was obsessed with it.

After meeting Daniel again today, we ate out until I decided it was time for me to head back home, we said our goodbyes and went our separate ways. Daniel was a distraction and once I was inside the walls of my apartment, I felt the sense of normalcy sink in. I let that feeling wash over me and breathed out a sigh and slowly I made my way to the bathroom, I stripped and looked at myself in the mirror my eyes narrowed at what I saw; my sunken cheeks were filling in, I could no longer see my ribs poking out of my skin, my eyes darkened more at every detail I noticed. “You’ve become fat Arch…. Look at yourself.” And I agreed with him, I had. Eating almost regularly with Daniel made me fatter. “You ate today as well, didn’t you Arch?” I nodded my head in reply. “You’re disgusting Arch. Look at what you’ve become. Do you think it’s okay to forget everything? And live?” I shook my head in despair silently disagreeing over and over “You’re a Murderer. You killed a living person with those hands of yours.” 

Each word struck me, softly stabbing and killing me. I clenched my hands tightly, I wanted to feel something…. anything that would distract me from Him and His voice that was screaming, echoing in my head. The nails of my fingers dug into the skin of my palm, it was a welcome sensation as I looked at the bright red crescents form, I knew I wanted- no needed more, more pain, more blood, more of that odd sense of satisfaction and numbing feeling. I stumbled out the bathroom and to the kitchen, I grabbed the knife the moment I saw it and dragged it from my wrist to my elbow, the numbness and satisfaction of seeing the blood spill onto the tiles, His voice was fading further away but, it wasn’t enough! I need to feel more, and so I cut and cut  and cut again, five deep lines later I felt the numbness I wanted and faint from all the blood loss, I saw black dots cover my view and before I realized anything I fell, my face hit the ground as I lay in the pool of my blood. I was lowly losing conscience and thought, maybe it’s finally time!! Maybe now I can finally close my eyes and rest, maybe this was the end to all the pain, all the suffering.

I opened my eyes to see a white ceiling, the strong smell of disinfectant hit me right after, I groaned at the smell and turned my head to look around, my body felt heavy, I saw tubes piercing the skin of my right arm. I was trying to sit up when suddenly the door burst open, I turned my eyes to see who it was when I was Daniel come in, I was surprised, I never expected him to be here, when Daniel saw me awake he froze in his steps then just as suddenly rushed at me engulfing me in a big bear hug. I slightly hit his shoulder to make him let go when he did, I asked, “Did you want to kill me of suffocation?”  

He looked at me incredulously, then shook his head muttering, “Doesn’t matter, I’m just glad you’re still alive Arch.” That’s when I remembered: I cut myself, I was hoping I would finally be able to end it all,

“Even death is a privilege I’m not allowed.” I whispered softly.

“Why’d you do it?” Daniel’s smooth and deep voice seemed louder in the silent room. “You almost died there Arch!!! I was cal-calling you but you wouldn’t p-pick up so I came to your apartment an-and I just had this horrible horrible feeling so I broke in only to find you fallen there, blood all around.” The voice that always seemed strong and confident, I now heard the soft whispers of pain and hurt in it.

I looked up at him but he was looking straight at me, his honest eyes were filled with pain and hurt I couldn’t bring myself to look at him in the eye any longer and dropped my head downward as I explained, I don’t know why I told him everything but I did, “I can still hear Him Daniel, I can hear Ben, every single day. I hear His voice screaming at me, telling me to suffer like He did, telling me that I can’t die; not until I’ve suffered like He did. I killed Him and I know it and so does he. Not a single day goes by when I’m not reminded about what I am, His voice in mind and his spirit in my dreams, I’m not allowed to eat or live because I am a Murderer.”

Daniel let out a cry saying, “No, no you aren’t. You aren’t a Murderer. He died because of his abusive parents and none of us could help him Arch. No one, not just you. I’ve regretted it every day, not telling anyone not helping him to run away, not being able to help you.” The two of them continued to cry their regrets away. “To be honest,” Daniel continued, “I was searching for you. Ever since you’ve disappeared. I want you to live with me, the others and I, we live together. We all had it rough since he died Arch, we were all searching for you. We can help but, we need you to trust us.”

“Us?” I was confused…

“You’ll know soon enough” Just then group of three guy came into the room.

Our gang of five; Ben, Daniel, Rohan, Skylar and me. I pushed them all away because it was too much for us, for me when He died. But, could we really be together again? Could this be my chance? A chance to finally live? The three guys stood beside me and Daniel, Skylar asked, “Miss us Arch?”

I nodded, I did. I acted like I didn’t, acted like I forgot, acted like it was all me, just me and myself, “I missed you all.” I was tired of it all, all the pretending, the pain, the memories. The day I saw Daniel I recognized him but I pretended I didn’t, when I passed by the guys on the streets, I acted like they were strangers I didn’t know. They all gave me a small smile, small but happy and just a bit sad when we all remembered Ben.

“It’s our second chance Arch…” Daniel promised. “This time let’s remember Ben for who he really was.”

I nodded, crying my heart out for the pain and fear but, at the same time I felt light, finally I felt Alive. It was time to let go, I’ll miss him but He will always be alive in our hearts, in our memories.

That day we cried together and healed together.