Ambition

*Sunday October 2*

Went to church. Father G talked about a poem a lot at the pulpit. Cannot remember what but it felt uplifting at the time. Jessica telephoned. She sounded weird. I miss the early days of when we were dating. It’s nice that we can live more of our normal lives now but still I miss the great excitement we used to have when just talking to each other or being with each other.

*Monday October 3*

Ambition is intoxicating to those that acquire it or are born with it. You might tell yourself that other things are important and you will appreciate those other things for most of the time. But if ambition, the need for glory and to show that you excel in that particular field that means the world to you consumes your life focus, those other things that feature in your daily life can often be felt as disruptions. The desire to win glory has often been suppressed. Glory and honour were actively encouraged by the Romans. The First World War more than anything in modern times has helped to encourage a perception of the quiet pacifist life as been the only worthy thing and striving for better or more glorious is dangerous and wasteful. We can keep telling ourselves that sort of stuff about glory but it is definitely in our natures to seek it. It is not only in the battlefield either. I feel on top of the world after I’ve hit a great kick.

I suppose it is battlefield instincts that keep our brain sort of lofty when some key part of the action has happened. Our thoughts collect themselves afterwards so that we can appreciate our work without distracting from the game at the time of the critical stuff. 

*Tuesday October 4*

Nothing

*Wednesday October 5*

Nothing happened.

*Thursday October 6*

Had chicken and rice. Would have preferred pizza with lots of pepperoni. I look at my stomach. It’s flat but I sometimes feel intimidated by a little fold of flesh that may one day hang over my crotch region. Nothing motivates you to exercise and eat well like seeing your flabby dad at the pool. 

*Friday October 7*

My life is over.

*Saturday October 8*

What is Jesse thinking? Of course I love her but my job requires me to have discipline. If I were in any other job it would be the same thing. The only difference is that I have to control my own discipline and my own routine to make life goals happen and can’t delegate the blame on some fatso in a suit in the back office with a fake fern. Wish she would shut her mouth sometimes. It’s more than a job. It’s why I am alive. 

Hope I can get out of church tomorrow. I don’t feel like it. Don’t know what I can pretend to be sick for if I still want to train without suspicion. Maybe I should grin and bear the listening. Sure many others do the same thing for far worse reasons even though I feel bad to think that.

*Sunday October 9*

Had bacon and eggs. The old days were good when everyone had bacon and eggs everyday. There is a weird thing about really old pictures that make me smile. Feel like life has deteriorated since then. People are all doing the same things but it’s like there is a nasty mouldy covering that has come around everyone like they were pieces of nice cheese in the fridge that have gone bad. 

*Monday October 10*

Called Jesse. Someone else answered. Hung up.

*Tuesday October 11*

Called Jesse. Someone else answered. Will write a letter and have someone put it in her mailbox.

Never mind. Tore up the letter. Feels ridiculous.

*Wednesday October 12*

Nothing.

*Thursday October 12*

Broke my hand. Needed help filling out the form at the doctor. I’ll keep playing.

*Saturday October 13*

I would be better off dead.

*Sunday October 14*

Jesse came over. I think she likes me been injured. It’s beautiful, scary and sad at the same time. I loved looking at her.

*Sunday October 21*

I don’t know what’s happened. Jesse says she is too busy with study but we knew we were always going to have those sorts of balancing problems. Did not mean we were cold when we did get to see each other.

*Sunday October 28*

Life is ........ Pointless. Seems ironic I should feel so despairing on a Sunday.

*Monday October 29*

Went to the movies. Popcorn was burnt and coke was flat. No matter what two attendants they have at the counter they always look like they could be twins.

*Tuesday October 30*

Did not feel like exercise. Watched TV. Read book of Revelations before going to bed. Grandma was right it isn’t a good bedtime story.

*Wednesday October 31*

I feel flat. There is no life I can do without being able to play. It hurts. And if I was one of those poet freaks I guess I’d say my heart hurts too. Although if I had real heart trouble like grandpa Joe does that mean my heart would literally hurt all the time or would it feel just the same?

*Thursday November 1*

Stupid fucking bitch. Fuck fuck fuck fucking bitch!!!!!!!

*Friday November 2*

Funny how quickly you feel normal again but then you think about it and you don’t feel normal really.

Can’t sleep. It’s a depressing cycle. I know when I wake I will feel normal and the way I feel now is ridiculous but it doesn’t stop me feeling bad. It’s like if I fail to get asleep past eleven bacteria builds up in my brain and its harder to get to the wash cycle of sleep I need to clean it out again.

*Saturday November 3*

*Sunday November 4*

Nothing

*Monday November 5*

Drank coffee at breakfast and read the newspaper. Being old is surprisingly pleasant.

*Tuesday November 6*

Nothing

*Wednesday November 7*

Nothing

*Thursday November 8*

Nothing

*Friday November 9*

Don’t know if I should think about buying a Christmas gift.