Getting to know each other

TW: Mental health, violence, self-harm

On a beautiful rainy Sunday, I finally mustered up the courage to ask her out. We went to watch a movie, that was fun. The date was nice, it went well.

That's it. The movie's over. As the credits roll by, people start leaving the room, and soon enough it's just the two of us.

To be completely honest, I don't know what compelled me to keep on sitting down and being silent, I just did. She seemed to feel the same way, so we just sat there, doing nothing but watching the big screen fade to black, the same color the rest of the room was engulfed in.

As it all faded out, so did my ability to look her in the face and vice versa. An awkward aura surrounded us but it soon withered away: "So, what now?" she asked. I didn't know what to answer since this is not something that tends to happen very often. It felt like inertia kept me stuck to my seat, had I been sitting for a couple extra minutes I'd never been able to get up again.

Kind of hoping that that was gonna happen, only to spend more time with her.

"I don't know", I replied shyly. "I like it here, I like it this way. It's very calm and honestly, I don't feel like getting up."

She didn't answer. We stayed silent for what felt like an eternity.

"I would love to feel like this forever." I don't know what that meant. Was that because of me? Should that feel like a compliment? Is it because she couldn't see me? Or maybe because I wasn't speaking?

"What does that mean?", I questioned her: "There's no pressure to do anything. There's peace and calmness. I am in full control of my thoughts". And well, to be fair, that all happened to be true. I could see the dust roaming inside the softest possible light emission out of the projector, now projecting black. I would look around and see nothing, I would close my eyes and hear nothing. I would flail my arms only to feel the other leather seats. "This is how I always wanna feel. I don't like feeling". I could feel her tone and her face changing shape, she became serious, but at the same time, you could tell she regretted opening up to me. She would have preferred to remain in silence. The vibrations of the air around us alerted me of her lips closing shut and her eyes looking down to where her feet should be but are replaced by darkness.

I had only met her a couple of hours ago yet it felt like I had known her forever. I felt like it was my responsibility to help her out because that's obviously what she needed. Help.

She rolled her sleeves up. I had seen her do it before the movie started.

She's a miracle of genetics. She doesn't really sleep much, but she has an amazing glow in her eyes and around her face. She doesn't do much apart from sitting on the bed and talking on the phone, or playing with her black cat, yet her body is that of an angel. I know nothing about her, yet I feel like I've known her for an eternity and feel the urge to know her for an eternity more.

How could she feel bad? Why would she want to feel nothing? She's surrounded by people. Friends, family, lovers.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

Retrospectively, that's the stupidest thing I could have possibly said. That was obviously not the case. She wasn't okay. The air got denser. The projector stopped shoving dust particles around and the silence became heavier to listen to.

Pools of blood is what went on in her head, a mush of noises and screams that never came out and kept on not doing so.

Memories of tears rushing out like a river, ruining her makeup, which caused her to stop wearing any at all. I never realized what was hidden behind those big, black tattoos under her wrists. I never realized why she flinched when I went to hug her. How could she possibly feel bad? She's surrounded by a happy environment: that's what she described to me. That's what she had to show on social media. That's what she looked like.

I felt the air compress and rarefy around her mouth, with the shape of a smile forming. "Yeah, I'm fine." That's all? It must have been at least fifteen minutes since I asked her.

I suddenly felt like getting up.

I suddenly felt like throwing up.

I suddenly felt like I didn't really feel like getting to know her. After all, she's boring. She spends time doing nothing in her room. She doesn't even wear any make-up, she doesn't try to make herself look good. She wears really really big clothes and I can see none of her shapes. Just listen to the way she speaks. "I'm fine".

I'm trying to help you out and that's you being grateful? Girls these days.

Hey, movie's over, what are we still doing sitting here?

Let's just go.

I let her go.

As she just sat there, clearly waiting for a response, for anything at all, hoping for me to understand that she really didn't feel fine at all, the lights turned back on and to her surprise, I was getting rid of the last remaining popcorn. Just stuffing my face.

As we could see everything once more, I was blinded by the beautiful white and gray-scale colors surrounding us. It was so nice. I was only a little disappointed that we didn't kiss.

When I turned to her, her sleeves were covering her hands again. She looked smaller. Almost like she decreased in size. Once again looking at the ground, so plain. I never realized that to her those seating lanes looked like the white, dull, familiar hospital lanes she had ambulated around way too many times for a person not even in their twenties. The specs of dust emitted by the projector were in her peripheral vision all day long. In her mind, too.

She hadn't eaten a single popcorn. I was so serene.

I would have walked her home but you know, it was late, so we just went our own separate ways.

I never heard from her again, I stopped receiving messages, she stopped posting on social media. Never saw her around, but that was no news.

I can't stand the cinema. The rain revolts me.

Sleep is someone I now hear from very rarely. I think about a life I could have saved instead of waiting for someone that would have my male urges satisfied.

I now realized why she couldn't just enjoy what she had.

But now, it's too late.

We only sat in the dark for a couple of minutes and that would have been enough.