Confession of Zack Modine

Once upon a time Zack Modine was a hometown hero, but then six years ago, in a fateful flash, all his lofty accolades and good graces vanished, never to return. He still lives in Tyler Gap, a small community located in the open desolate parts of West Texas, a mere stone throw from the New Mexico border. Tucked into the rolling hills and buttes, Tyler Gap was once an insignificant forgotten Union Pacific whistle stop on a transcontinental run along the Mexican border that is no longer in service. The railroad tracks are still present in the pavement on Main Street, but there has not been a single train that has run through the town in over twenty years. There is also a fountain in front of the town hall that has not worked for quite a while either, both serve as a reminder of things that no longer function they way they were intended to run in this town. 

         But perhaps the biggest malfunction occurred six years ago, back when the Tyler Gap High School Fighting Tiger Football team had risen to prominence. Even though the town has a population of just over a thousand people, every last one of them would be present at the football stadium for every home game on Friday Night to root the Fighting Tigers on.  Due to the presence of both Zack Modine and Drew Anderson in their talented offensive backfield, Coach Reiner was talking about a state championship, not just a conference title like they had won in the previous year. His two stars happened to be best friends since kindergarten. Drew was the quarterback with an arm that caught the attention of University of Texas while Zack played half back. Both were seniors and both were dating Meredith Rawlings, a blonde cheerleader whose butter melting Texas drawl and long legs had just about every male student drooling. 

         During the summer Zack got his driver’s license and he would drive Drew home from practice since they lived close to each other. They would clown around, but Zack was always consciousness on the open two-lane rural roads that could be hazardous for drivers who did not pay attention since there was little room for error. 

Zack’s father ran a machine repair shop where he worked ten hours a day fixing farm equipment and small motors. Sometimes Zack would help as much as he could, but he marveled at his father’s ability to fix any motor a customer would bring into the shop. His father was also well liked and respected by the community so when Zack became the starting half back, everyone would cheer his name from the bleachers when he made a good play.

         “One day you’ll be playing college ball.” His father would say proudly as he ran his fingers through his son’s straight black hair.

         “I ain’t got no one interested yet.” He would instantly become deflated by his lack of prospects so far.

         “Don’t sweat it none.” His father would pat him on the back, “Believe me, I see them scouts looking at you.”

         But the fact was, Drew was the real star and everyone else joined the supporting cast despite the fact Coach Reiner told Zack that he was the glue that held the offense together.

At first this did not bother Zack until Meredith began seeing Drew down at the Malted Shoppe where the team would gather after the game. The Malted Shoppe was owned by Mr. Kupek an immigrant from India who had come to Tyler Gap as a much younger man and set up his shop with a retro theme that included pretty girls on roller skates and soda jerks. The jukebox only played the oldies like Chubby Checker and Chuck Berry. With the floor tile done is a checkerboard design, The Malted Shoppe looked like it came right out of the pages of some old history book about the 1950’s. The Malted Shoppe was dubbed the place to be by the high school crowd even if Mr. Kupek’s extended family who worked as servers dressed in traditional Indian garb. 

         The gossip began to get real. Zack could no longer ignore the fact that Meredith had her arm slung over Drew’s large shoulders. One day, at school, Zack finally confronted Meredith. It was Friday, so naturally she had worn her cheerleading outfit to school which made her look like a goddess dropped out of heaven. Still he would not be dissuaded by her knockout appearance.

         “Can we talk?” He asked as she was getting some books out of her locker.

         “I got biology in three minutes. Make it quick.” She did not even look at him as he was wearing his game jersey with his number 22 he chose to honor his hero Emmitt Smith.

         “Are we a couple?” He asked.

         She froze like a statue before turning to him with eyes that expressed her contempt at his question, “A couple? A couple of what?”

         “Well last year we were tight. We made a lot of promises.” He put his arm out to prevent her from running away.

         “Things have changed, Zack.” She shook her head.

         “What? What has changed?”

         “We are maturing.” She stuck out her chin.

         “I still feel the same.” Zack shook his head as if he was walking through a nightmare fully awake.

         “Well, I don’t. I’m sorry. My mother is in a rehab center and I’ve got to take care of my sister. I don’t have time for this anymore.” Her words were razor sharp and Zack felt her words cut into him as she spoke. 

He knew that she had a rough family life. Her father had left a few years ago and her mother had a substance abuse problem that everyone tried to hide, but after her arrest, there was no more hiding the problem. Her brother was in juvenile hall for breaking and entering, so it was just her and her seven-year-old sister Violet. Since she had turned eighteen, she was able to keep herself and her sister out of foster care. That would have been a big nightmare for the two of them. She did have her aunt who lived close by checking in on them and bringing them a meal every now and then. Still, Zack knew that Meredith was extremely sensitive about her family situation. She told him things that really made him question how put together she was, but he just shrugged it off. 

         That night, the Fighting Tigers from Tyler’s Gap High School won a lopsided contest 63 to 0 as Zack ran for three touchdowns and Drew threw for four touchdowns. This was the final game of the regular season and put the Fighting Tigers at the top of the conference once again. Coach Reiner was carried off the field by his players. Inside the locker room, pandemonium ruled as reporters jammed in looking for a story. Zack’s father seemed to be floating on air as he saw big things ahead for the Fighting Tigers. He also told his son if they went for state, he would travel to Dallas for the game.  

         “Meredith told me that you had a conversation with her a few days ago.” Drew stood behind Zack as he got ready to get dressed after his shower. Naked except for the towel around his waist, he turned to see his best friend was quite upset.

         “We had a thing last year.” Zack confessed.

         “Last year, but now she’s with me, hear?” He planted his finger in Zack’s bare chest.

         In the week to follow, as the team prepared for the Conference finals, Zack continued to drive Drew home. In doing this, Zack noticed the strain that had fallen on their friendship. 

Tyler Gap High School was located nearly five miles from the town limits making the drive on the two lane road somewhat challenging featuring traffic of  all kinds, but it was the semi-trucks that took up more than their share of the narrow road. The roads however, were smoother than the pocked roads in Tyler Gap proper, but the road had a couple of turns and sharp bends where the driver would have to be paying attention. 

         Thursday, the day before the first round with a struggling high school about an hour away, Zack was driving when Drew suddenly blew up at Zack.

         “I know whacha doing.” He said crossing his arms across his chest.

         “And what am I doing?” Zack was bewildered by his friend’s sudden outburst.

         “You are trying to get in our way.” He slapped the dashboard and it made Zack jump.

         “Not so, Drew. In fact, I have gone out of my way to leave her alone.” Zack turned his head to glare at Drew. When he looked back, he noticed he had strayed across the double yellow line.

         “You are a liar.” Drew got even angrier.

         “No, I haven’t.” Zack was getting angry now too. He did not like to be accused of doing something he wasn’t, and he was letting his frustration boil to the surface since Drew had gotten everything that Zack wanted. All season long, Zack had worked extra hard and as a result had improved more than any other player on the team, but still he had to take a backseat to his best friend.

         In his anger he punched Drew in the shoulder.

         Drew retaliated as he always had in the past.

         He did not hear the horn.

         But in the next instant his world went to black.

         There was a recollection of glass and metal filling the air.

         And a scream. A single note that did not last long.

         But the blackness did last a long time and when the light began to break into that darkness, he heard voices. Like voices from a dream, he did his best to try to hear what they were saying, but could not comprehend what they were talking about. When the world finally came into focus, a nurse was standing over him and she was smiling.

         “Welcome back.” She said.

         “Whaaa?” He tied to sit up, but found he could not.

         “Don’t you move.” She held her hand on his shoulder, “Otherwise you will rip open your stitches.”

         “Stitches?” He mumbled.

         “You have quite a few, but you are a lot luckier than the boy who was with you.” She checked the liquid in the bag next to his bed.

         “What happened?” Zack asked.

         Seeing his reaction, she wished she hadn’t said what she said. As her face lost all color, she said, “I’ll get Dr. Chandler to talk to you.”

         She quickly exited the room and then Zack heard her voice as she neared the room once again, “I had no idea. I thought someone had already talked to him.”

         “Nurse, it’s alright. I will handle it.” Zack heard as he walked in and introduced himself, “Good morning young man, I am Dr. Chandler. I operated on your leg.”

         “What was wrong with it?” Zack was frightened.

         “After the accident-”

         “What accident?” Zack began to put all the loose pieces together like a puzzle.

         “You hit a truck head on, but by some miracle, you managed to survive.” He paused and took a breath. “Which is more than I can say for your passenger. Drew Anderson was killed instantly.” He spoke slowly smoothly in order to express the appropriate empathy, but Zack broke down in tears, all of his grief came to the surface like a flood. For nearly an hour Dr. Chandler stood there as Zack Modine felt the long painful release of his grief for his friend. 

         They were arguing. The last thing Drew and he had done before the impact was a fight. 

         Later after receiving a sedative, Zack’s parents came into the room. Zack’s dad looked as if he had not slept in days and his mom didn’t look much better.

         “Oh Zack.” She hugged him as tightly as she could.

         “Hey buddy, how are you feeling?” He put his hand on his son’s hand.

         “How does it look like I’m feeling.” He would later blame his comment on the drugs running through his system.

         “I thought I had lost you.” His mom kissed him on the cheek.

         “You guys lost the game.” His dad hated to bring this up, but his son had been asleep for three days in an induced coma. “Doesn’t matter-”

         “What do you mean, it doesn’t matter! Drew is dead. My leg is shattered, and I’ll be lucky to walk on it without a limp for the rest of my life! For God’s sake dad, my world is gone. Gone. All because Drew and I were arguing. My God, it would have been better if He had finished us both off.”

         “Don’t say that!” His mother broke down in tears.

         “Never...never say that again.” His father’s eyes got a bit watery as well. 

         A week later Zack was released from the hospital after Dr. Chandler determined there were no infections or blood clots to worry about. Zack would have to attend physical therapy, but with all his time practicing with the team, PT was be a breeze. He could not believe how painful his leg was during the first few sessions of PT, but after a while as the stitches were removed or dissolved, Zack began to move with the aid of a cane.

He was at the Malted Shoppe when she walked in. At first, she did not seem to notice him, but then she glanced over in his direction. Slowly she made his way to where he was seated in a booth by himself.

         “You killed him.” She hissed.

         “I know.” He could not swallow at that moment.

         “You know?” Her blue eyes went wide, and her mouth formed the jagged line of a scowl.

         “It was an accident.” Zack pleaded.

         “Was it? Perhaps it was not as much an accident as it was intentional.” Her words were like glass sprinkled all over his skin, cutting him with each word. “I heard it was a head on. The truck driver stated that it seemed like you steered the car right for his grill. They told me that Drew died instantly, but would not let me read the coroner’s report, because there were photographs of his remains.”

         “I don’t know what to say...sorry seems like not adequate enough…” Zack could feel the hamburger he had eaten for lunch was creeping up the wrong way as tears flooded his eyes, “He was my best friend since kindergarten and now he’s gone, because I killed him. I had no intention of doing such a thing, but I’m sure that’s what everybody is going to say when I walk down the street with my cane, because they did the best they could to put it back together again. No football for Zack, nope. It’s all in the past.”

         He did not mean to vomit, but the sudden emotion had shaken him almost as much as the impact. Meredith walked away after he threw up without saying another word.

         That was six years ago. Meredith Rawling graduated from Texas Tech and married her live-in boyfriend and a few months ago she gave birth to a healthy baby girl they named Starletta. Coach Reimer retired after four more seasons when he was unable to bring his team to the level it had before. There was a small ceremony where some of the press showed up when he made his farewell speech in front of a student assembly. A year later he died of a heart attack while shopping at Costco in the Crawford Crossing, next town up north.

         Meanwhile, Tyler Gap hasn’t changed one bit, the church is always full on Sunday and The Malted Shoppe is as popular as ever because it reminds us of a tranquil time of innocence when the floors were checkerboard and malted milkshakes were consumed to the tunes of Chubby Checker and Chuck Berry. It is a comforting feeling, that nostalgic sense we get knowing that some corners of the world are immune to change. So be it.

Zack Modine ended up taking over his father’s machine shop after his dad had a stroke. His mom now tends to him as the stroke had taken away his adult functioning including incontinence. Zack does his best to help, but it is just one more thing that happened as a result of the accident. Zack still uses his cane to get around, but his leg has healed as much as it is ever going to which is simply fine as far as he is concerned.  

Zack knows no matter what he does or says, nothing can atone for the accident that changed everything. His confession has remained constant. His only hope of salvation is the prayer he has said every day of his life since, “If I was given a chance to do it all over again, I would make sure not to reach out and punch Drew, because Drew hit me back. We have done that to each other since kindergarten. And in that moment in time, when I no longer had my hands on the steering wheel, the world fell away from me. There is nothing I could do to restore everything I had lost at that fatal moment of impact. Please God, let me have a chance to undo all I have done.” But sadly, his prayer always goes unanswered.

It is quite common for the folks in town to still talk about it, because it was considered one of the greatest tragedies in the history of Tyler’s Gap, but the truth is the real tragedy was the loss of Zack Modine.