You Found Me .

2013:

Trying to wrap my head around what just happened. Feeling like I was just born to die. Depression and suicide was heavy on my heart. Feeling like there's no reason to be alive. Trying to numb the pain away with drugs that only temporarily took it away. Cutting harmless skin only left scars that haunt me. Spending Countless nights awake and watching as the days go by. Each time I look at my reflection , I don't recognize the person in the mirror. Losing hope. Wasting time. Feel like I'm losing my mind. I look at my mother who almost lost her life. God gave her another chance to live. We lived in the Ghetto. Our spot was the trap. She was in a terrible accident. While she was trying to get back on her two feet. People tried taking advantage of her and I had to protect her at all cost. She had to regain power. Because she was so weak. Her memory was barley there. she barley remembered me. Those people put on a fake show for her but I didn't allow them to get any more closer to her once I seen thier true motives. They tried getting close to her for thier own self gain. I was disgusted at these human beings. So call friends, people who call themselves "Fam." Out of all the fakes, There were only 2 decent human beings who genuinely cared enough to help stop the madness and looked out for my mom & my own best interest . Forever Grateful for them. Months after the madness and still dealing with chaos, sleeping on different beds each night. My mom almost back to herself and working to provide. The person who I was with just couldn't take care of me the right way, because addiction tied them down. They just kept chasing that next high. I woke up some days feeling sick and uneasy. Migraines, and mood swings. Walking the streets and looking for a place to rest our heads. At the time I was frail & Skinny. My face was gaunt and I began to lose my hair. My mom was concerned and took me to the hospital after I threw up another meal. We got to the hospital and I thought maybe it was the flu. The doctor came into the room and put something over my stomach to do an ultrasound and that was the moment I couldn't stop crying because I heard a heartbeat. My mom's eyes were filled with tears of joy. I couldn't believe that there was another human being inside of me. I felt every emotion going through my body. I felt like I wasn't going to be the best mother. After finding out that I was pregnant. The father of my child needed to step up or step out. I found out I was pretty far along. I was 5 going on 6 months. It was hard but I sobered up for the baby. My mom helped me in any way she could. I left the father of my baby because he just wasn't stepping up to the plate. As I was doing my best to change and doing what I needed to do for the baby. He was just doing the same things. It only was making things harder but thanks to my momma I got through it. Going through emotions. I was excited but afraid. I was nervous but couldn't wait. I found out it was a boy. I was carrying my son. As my belly grew he became my bestfriend. I fell asleep holding my belly , I'd talk to him throughout the day, listened to music that removed my anxiety. I finally told my family as I came to Thanksgiving 8 months pregnant. And I thought they were gonna disown me but they were just as excited. I felt more peace than being on edge. I've fought many battles within myself. Many wars that almost took me out. But I managed to make it through.

2014: 

I felt pain in my stomach.  I slept over at my aunts. I woke her up not knowing they were contractions. We got ready and headed to the hospital. I was scared. I was excited. I was nervous. I seen my life flash before my eyes. Everything I went through just to get here. I was surrounded by my loved ones, just waiting for him. Before I knew it, I opened my eyes and i had him in my arms. Tears rolled down my face. I couldn't believe how beautiful he was and how much my heart finally felt complete. I named him Vincent. He was the most precious, beautiful human being I've ever laid my eyes on. 

Those days I wanted to end my life , those days I wanted to give up, the days when I was depressed, lost, suicidal, broken, I'm so grateful that I was able to fight and get out of my head. Because this moment would have never happened.

I was always searching for someone to love me. For someone to accept me. I was always just searching to find myself and my purpose being in this world. Becoming a mother, saved my life. My son saved my life. I was so dead inside. I was so done with life. I never thought that anyone could complete every piece of emptiness I once had. I didn't need to search anymore.. My son's love for me and my love for him is true unconditional love . Being a mother isn't easy but the wait was worth every moment with him. I was lost for awhile, in search to find myself one day. In search of what love was, in search of true happiness. My son is my where I found myself . I discovered my true purpose on this earth was to be a mother. His mother. I am the luckiest woman alive to have been blessed with such a precious beautiful soul. Every bad chapter I went through, every trial, every downfall, was worth it because it led me to the best chapter of my life.

He's me every reason to be alive.