Void

What? Where am I? What’s happening?

Looking around nothing seemed to take any shape. It was all spinning. Or was I spinning? What’s with this line? Is it a line?

Ahead of me was lined of black human-like figures going on for, wait, it seemed to just mesh into the blackness of the obis.

“It’s your turn?” a voice said from behind me. I spun around to see a human-shaped figure made out of complete darkness, or was it just so bright the image was seared into my vision. I looked at the others in the line but it seemed like none of them cared, or even recognized the person- er, thing- was there.

“It’s time for your judgment.” the figure said to me, pulling me out of the line. It was like a motherly grab, you couldn’t get out of the grabst but it felt like wherever you were going is better than you were previously. As I was pulled out of the line the dark figures moved to take over my spot.

I wanted to ask so many questions but the words couldn’t form in my mind. Everything was a jumbled mess. Utter confusion. Feeling like I could fall asleep at any moment yet be wide awake at the same time.

The figure pulled me along through the dark lanes of whatever this place was. The ground didn’t seem to have any sort of shape. It was like fog that you could step on, but yet you could see right through it, and see whatever hell lied below. Every step I took was more solid than the last, but somehow I knew without the figure guiding me along, I would’ve fallen right through and be lost forever. Dead. Dead? Am I dead? Or is this a dream? What is a dream? Is this life? Ow. I’m so confused.

The questions floated around my head just like how nothing ever seemed to have a physical shape. Nothing was solid, and yet it was. Nothing made sense. 

“We’re here. Your essence will be weighed now. Your mind will go through everything you ever did in your entire existence. You will either go there with them, or there with them.” The voice stopped walking and told me, pointing at, wait, they weren’t pointing, or were they? They- uh, it- didn’t have a physical arm, it was more like a blur of blackness.

But wait a second, where are we? Nothing changed. It’s still the endless void of dull black color. No solid shape in sight. Have we even moved? I can’t. Wait, what’s happening? It hurts. It hurts so much! Make it stop!

Pitch black. Pain. Heartache. Selfishness. Drowning. Forever. Never ending. Can’t. Breathe. It hurts! So much! Help! Please! Make it end!

No. It’s soft. Warmth. No. It’s burning. Too hot! Too bright! Can’t! No! Help!

“Helppp mmmmeeeeeeeeee!” I managed to gurgle out words, but it was horax, dry, and unnatural. Was that my voice? 

That’s it. I'm done with all this confusion, with all my questions that have no answers. Where the hell am I?! And how can I make my head stop pounding!!

“This is the end. There’s no escaping the truth. You can pray to any god you’d like, but they will not hear you. There is no saving you. Farewell” The voice echoed in my hallowed head. Ringing. Repeating. So painful. When will it stop? When will I wake up? Someone! Please help!

Looking forever into the sea, I can see the never ending ripples of water turning into waves crashing on the shore. The waves didn’t always crash on the shore but when they did the bachwash was all too quick to enjoy. As the water retreated back into the ocean it held its tight shape -a gigantic cube- never spilling water from the top. Of course the water couldn’t hold back forever, so the swash returned. Then back it went into the sea. I turned my eyes away from the dry, waterless, shoreline.

Staring at the top of the vessel, you could see plunging waves that continuously crashed over themselves. The raining water from the sky, seeming to urge the waves forward. The raining water had turned into a stream of constant pouring sense, umm, years now, I guess, it’s been like this for as long as I can remember. It surged at times and slowed at other times, but it wasn't scheduled. It happened when it did, and didn’t when it didn’t.

Then something else caught my eyes, a rogue wave hit and crashed against the ledge of the water barrier. I wonder if it’ll spill over. Hmm... I guess the barrier is stronger than I thought. Oh, never mind. Swish. The swash ran over the shore, creeping into every crack in the rock, not leaving a single rock untouched. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5… Wait why hasn’t the backwash taken the water back away. This isn't supposed to happen.

Walking over the rock hurt my feet. Twisted my ankles. Made me lose my balance multiple times. Splosh. Splosh. Splosh. I don’t think I’ve ever walked on the shore with water in it. It’s different. I don’t like it.

And that’s when I saw it. Looking below in a puddle, my own self stared back.

My ear length hair, straight and blonde like it always was. Acne all over my face, covering it with bright red spots like freckles. Looking down I saw my chest. I stomped my feet on the reflection. The ripples of my splash ran down my watery reflection, showing me how ugly, imperfect, and awful my body actually looked.

Drip. Drip. Drip.

The water streamed off my cheeks and into the watery shore. Forcing my eyes off my reflection I looked at the never ending body of water a few feet ahead of me. It was so clear, yet it showed a black abyss through it.  It’s understandable if it’s neverending, it’s not going to continue its pure blue color. It’s going to show me the true colors of the abyss that it lays in.

The water held up by an invisible wall seemed to beckon the water in the shoreline to come back. The waves crashed against the barrier, trying ever so slowly to try to get to the shoreline. 

Splash. The water. It needs me. Splash.

Looking at the water I saw my own reflection staring back at me once again. It was everything I hated. Everything that was awful and wrong about my life stood right in front of me. If the reflection disappeared would I be able to have a better life?

No. The reflection is myself. I’m the problem. If I want it all to go away I have to go away. I’m the problem. I’m horrible. Ugly. Awful. Selfish. Evil. Annoying. So much more. I can’t go in the water. The water only reflects back what’s wrong in my life. I refuse to reunite with the thing I hate so much.

I returned back to my spot on the land-like spot I had always sat on and continued to watch the waterfall stream down from the sky.

I can’t go back. I don’t deserve to be free. I deserve to continue hating myself. Continue this never ending cycle of hate. I don’t deserve freedom. Freedom is for the ones who can face their ocean and embrace it for what their reflection shines back at them. That’s not me. And it won’t ever be me.

The only freedom I can have now is death, but that won't drain this ocean. It will just pour into everyone else’s. I can’t have that. I can’t hurt them anymore than I already am. But at the same time I wouldn’t hurt them anymore than now.

I can’t take this anymore.