no.

--Are you coming tonight?

The dreadful words lit up on my phone screen. The first words I had received from my friends in the last two weeks.

I hesitated to answer. I couldn't just decline with no explanation. That would be rude. But it was my friends who were asking. I had tried many times to explain that sometimes I just did not want to hang out, and they always told me that wasn't a real reason.

It wasn't because of them. It was never because of them. Often times, it was because I simply didn't want to. Was that so bad? Was wanting to stay home and spend time working on my own things such an awful wish? I could provide no explanation other than "I don't want to."

Apparently that isn't enough.

They wouldn't get mad at me. But knowing that they were disappointed in me, knowing that I made them upset. That's a worse punishment.

It was happening again. Tonight. They wanted me to go with them. Tonight. I had already decided I was going to finish a project I'd been putting off for a long time. Tonight.

So what should I have told them? That I was prioritizing my own wishes over theirs? Was that too selfish?

Not to mention this time was worse. There were more people than just my friends. Two more. Two of my friends' friends. They were "part of the group now".

I didn't want more friends. I didn't want our group to change. I didn't want to lose anyone, nor did I want to gain anyone. But my friends thought differently, apparently. They found new friends. Friends who I didn't want.

They're nice people, I couldn't deny that. Still, I already made my decision. I wouldn't make more friends. I hadn't told them, of course. It's too late to speak about it now. They're already really close. Saying anything about what I feel now would just be selfish.

So now I was always left out. They were always with those other friends. Without me.

But that was my own fault. I kept declining their invites. I kept acting like I wanted nothing to do with them. They stopped asking me as often.

I shouldn't feel so awful. I could always hang out with them if I tried. If I actively decided I want to be with them, all of them, then maybe I wouldn't feel left out.

Or would it be worse? Would I end up in the back of the group, with no one to talk to. Left behind the moment I stop to tie my shoe? I guess I'd feel left out either way.

They like their other friends better. I'm not jealous. I understand. I'm not the best person to be with when it comes to having someone to talk to. If I were more interesting, they'd like me more. If I didn't say no so often.

The last time I had declined, they were upset. One was angry. They kept telling me that I had no reason to not go, if I had no other plans. The other was sad. I remember their delicate, puppy-dog eyes staring at me, asking me why I didn't want to hang out with them. The third kept asking me why I didn't want to go, despite my constant answer of, "I just don't."

If only I could explain things better. But what else is there to explain? If I don't want to go, I don't. I wish I could change my feelings.

Then there was their desperate efforts to change my mind. They asked if I'd rather go to the park than the mall. If I'd like that better. If I would have preferred going sooner. But I just didn't want to go. I wanted to stay at home and practice my own hobbies.

My best friends of three years. Three years, and they refused to understand. Couldn't I have some free time? Why did I always have to go with them? Was I not allowed to do things on my own? That's selfish of them, isn't it?

I set my phone down, shaking my head rapidly. I shouldn't think that way. This was why they didn't like me anymore. This was why they decided to get new friends. Because I was the one being selfish. I was being selfish and choosing to spend all my time on myself.

I wished I could disappear. I wished I never had to exist. I wished I was never friends with them. Then I wouldn't have had to deal with all this.

But they're slowly forgetting about me. They've already replaced me. I just needed to wait a little longer. Just until they end up drifting away completely. Then, I'd be able to do whatever I wanted guilt-free.

Yes. That was all I needed to do; just wait a little longer.

I picked up my phone again, reforming an excuse in my head. If I told them about anything I was feeling, they would think I was a killjoy. That I was lame and rude. If I gave no excuse, they'd act like they had last time, acting upset until I changed my mind. And I didn't want to lie. I didn't want to force myself to go with and spend hours just wishing I was at home.

It's ironic, really. Why did I feel more alone when I was with my friends?

I tapped the screen, the letters popping up as I wrote and rewrote my message. It didn't sound rude, did it? It was believable, right? Before I hit send, I took a deep breath. Why did I have to lie to my friends?

Were they even my friends if I had to lie so often? If I felt like I want to disappear whenever I'm with them?

I grit my teeth, erasing the message yet again. After tapping the screen for a short moment, I didn't hesitate before sending this time. I had decided.

--no.