The Regret

Had I kissed you, we should’ve been together. The regret hasn’t gone away.

I see myself sitting beside you in the student council office. You’ve been waiting for me there for a little while. I’m nervous to ask you, but my mouth opens as if something forces it to.

“Can I kiss you?”

You smile, oh trying to cover that beautiful smile. I feel you would like it too.

I move closer to you, but I fear what must happen. There’s a gentle knock on the door. It’s Joe, the school utility man. His bald head peeks through the threshold. He tells us to leave. It's inappropriate that a teenage boy and a girl are alone in a closed room like this.

Before we go our separate ways this rainy afternoon, I ask if you would come to the graduation ball tonight. You say, “I’m not sure if Father will let me.”

That’s the last time we see each other.

After a year of studying at college in the city, I come back to town. You have changed. My dreams have changed too. I have regrets because I didn’t kiss you.

I move on with my life and work as a security officer in the city. One night on my way to my apartment, I pass by an old beggar hunkering on the pavement. He’s wearing a cap. He stands up and approaches me. I can feel he’s looking around, maybe checking if someone might notice him.

“I have an offer,” he says.

“What offer?” I ask.

“I’ll help you go back to your past and repeat everything.”

I chuckle. He is insane. I walk away.

He follows me. “Just say yes and I’ll send you back. Right here, right now.”

I stop and turn to him. “How will you do that?” I can't recognize him because the bill of his cap shadows his face.

“It’s a one-time offer and no regrets if you say yes.”

I laugh, but not too loud that someone can hear us.

“I know you want to change the past. Your past,” he says with emphasis on the last word.

“What’s the deal?” I think I can play with it.

“You change the present for both of us,” he says, still trying to conceal his face.

“How?”

“That’s why you’ll go back to the past.”

"I mean, how will I do it?" The beggar is insanely fantasizing about something. But there's nothing wrong if I play with it.

"Here." He gives me a grimy piece of paper, which I take. In it is a provincial home address.

“Are you ready?” he says.

I move closer to him and crack a smile at this crazy response.

He presses his thumb on my forehead. I feel like something snatches my spirit out of my body as if we have spirits. Darkness engulfs me, and it’s like falling into an abyss.

All of a sudden, I find myself sitting beside you in the student council office.

“What now?” you say, eyebrows knitting.

The irises of your Chinese eyes reflect the memories I have carried with me after this meeting. But these memories have begun to diminish like embers blown by the gentle wind. My mouth hangs open.

“Hey, Mark.” You shake me.

The raindrops drum on the roof. My heart pounds in rhythm to it. I move closer to you. Our eyes lock like Earth and moon as we wait to touch our lips. We play our tongues as though it’s the last moment of our lives. But there’s that knock on the door. It’s Joe, the bald school utility man. We have no choice but to go out and part our ways.

After that moment, we rendezvous again. And again. We make unforbidden love once, twice, thrice, and then until it becomes a habit. I’ve forgotten about the beggar because I spend a lot of time with you. I forget the task he asked me to do. We elope and leave our parents. We go to the city. We find jobs to support our needs. We eat breakfast, go to work, go home, make love at night, and repeat. We are contented with this simple life. But one day you leave me. You say that you need to find yourself. To find your purpose. To follow your dream.

I plead with you to stay. I hold your hand. You shake it away. I hug you. You push me off. I go crazy. I break all things I hold. Smash them to the walls. I feel that the life we have has bored you. I feel that you are no longer happy with me.

"Do you still love me?" I ask you.

You nod, but there are no tears in your eyes. I shake my head. I let you go.

I’ve thought of you for so long. For more than a year, my life has been a misery. But I have to move on.

And then I remember the beggar. I travel to the provincial home address in the grimy paper still tucked into my wallet. I look for the address and find a bungalow house. The gates are open, so I get in. I tap on the front door. I’m shocked to see you in front of me. We are both shocked. There’s a moment of silence, which seems to take forever to me. But thank you for breaking that silence, the way you break your promise. You say ‘sorry’. And then, I hear a man walking toward us. He asks who I am. Something chokes me in my throat. I don't want tears to flood my eyes, so I leave full of regret.

For years, the regret hasn't left me. It's consumed me. It's made me crazy. Now, I'm old and tired. Yesterday I met a stranger on the road. He was wearing a suit that didn’t exist in our time. He told me he’s from the future. I asked him if he could take me back to my past to change everything and wipe this regret away from me. He said, "Yes, but if you go there, you would not become young."

I was afraid you would see me, old and crazy, so I changed my mind. But he said, “I can grant you one-time power to meet your younger version. But,” he paused, “you must never tell him that you are him and that you must never look into his eyes. Because everything will revert to your present.”

I nodded in agreement.

Tonight I’ll meet myself. We’ve been sitting here on this pavement waiting for him to pass by. There, it’s me. You see how young, sane, and healthy? I need to shadow my eyes with this cap I’m wearing.

***

“Hey. I have an offer."

“What offer?”

“I’ll help you go back to your past and change it. Please don't walk away. Just say yes and I’ll send you back. Right here, right now.”

"Haha! How will you do that?"

“It’s a one-time offer and no regrets if you say yes.”

"Haha!"

***

I’m glad that I sent him back to you. Don't worry I didn’t write your address. I wrote a note of advice.

Mark, I’m your future self and you must listen to me so you won’t regret your life. Forget everything about her. She never loves you. Fix yourself. I don’t want you to end up like me.