Fiction Science Fiction Funny

The sun is shining this beautiful fall morning. I love walking in the morning, waking up and sharpening my senses. I watch the leaves fall down the trees. The colors are wonderful. Underneath a tree I stop and look down. There is this big yellow and red leaf, and it looks just stunning. I go through my knees and reach out to pick it up.

I want to get up and look at the leaf, but something on the ground catches my eye. Something is moving. It looks metallic, so it's not ants. It's shimmering in the sunlight. Wait, are that tiny men running around with gear? Carefully I get on my knees and get closer. 'Wow, Kevin won't believe any of this when I tell him tonight.' I mutter under my breath.

"Who is Kevin?"

I'm startled and turn around while I'm trying to get up. In front of me is this, this... humanoid? Grayish, bald, almond shaped black eyes, small mouth. Well, isn't that a cliché, I think to myself. They're wearing a blue boiler suit. At least they're dressed. I knew it.

"Kevin? Uh, my boyfriend. I uh, I'm Kim, hello." I want to stretch out my hand in order to give them an old-fashioned earthly greeting. But I look at their hands, with long, bony fingers. Four of them. Of course, they have four fingers. I’m not even used to greeting humans this way though, what will this humanoid think? Maybe it’s even an act of war. Instead of stretching out my hand to greet them, I hold my hand back with my other hand. Looking very reserved I realize. Well, better safe than sorry. 

The alien nods and looks friendly. I try to smile, but have no idea how to act. I carefully look around. Behind us two other grayish humanoids are standing in front of a flying object. A panel is open and they both look inside it, talking to each other. There are some objects on the floor that I can’t identify. The floor itself, well, it looks like gigantic grains of dark sand. Around us there are these huge yellow and red walls. They’re unevenly shaped and not exactly standing up straight. They kind of look like gigantic… I take a deep breath. They look like gigantic leaves. 

I face the grayish alien again, and now it’s me who has a question. Well, I have two. “What’s your name and where am I?”

“Zhakins. Nice to meet you. And where you are? I hoped that you were able to tell us. We haven’t moved you one bit, if that’s what you mean.” 

I look at them, puzzled. “I haven’t moved? Impossible. I was walking on the street, looking at the leaves falling off a tree, and I picked one up. Then I saw some really tiny people and a really tiny spaceship on the ground and… Oh. Right.” I realize that I am standing right between the scene I was looking at not that long ago. Only the tiny people were suddenly my size. I look at the ground. No, I am their size. Like Alice in Wonderland, but without the rabbit. “Uhm, welcome to New York, I guess?”

“New York? Is that what this planet is called? Because I never heard of that and trust me, I know my planets pretty well. I just needed a confirmation.”

I want to answer them. I want to say they were on the planet Earth. But then I realize that Earth is really a self-centered name for a planet if you think of it. Really, Water would have been a much more appropriate name. But no, the humans were so narcissistic, they named the planet after where they lived on, not what the planet has the most of. Also, it’s the only planet in our solar system that isn’t named after a Greek or Roman god or goddess. And most cynically, the Earth is also sometimes called Terra, which means dry. Eventually, that is what this planet is doomed to become. A dry, lifeless place. 

“Earth.” I answer anyway. “But I don’t know if that is…” 

“Hey Jimmy, you really made it! You crashed on your favorite planet, I just got it confirmed!” 


“All right! That is so cool, man! Hey, give me a minute, I like to talk to this  Earthling. I’m almost finished.” The alien who was addressed to as Jimmy sounded really excited about this. 

“Jimmy?” I repeat. 

Zhakins nods. “That’s not their real name. But we gave it to them because they really, really love this planet. We noticed quite a lot of Earthlings are called Jimmy, so we nicknamed them that.”

“This is their favorite planet? How? Wait, you have been here before?” 

“Many times, Kim.” Is that a smile on Zhakins face? I really can’t tell. “But how would you know? You Earthlings are only focussed on yourselves  and what you think is good for you. You live self-absorbed lives with no regards of what is happening in the space surrounding you. And you don’t care about this planet. All life will soon be destroyed because you think you are gods, and you really aren’t.”

Wow. Did I just get a lectured about humanity’s flaws by a tiny extra-terrestrial? There was one thing they hadn’t mentioned that really fueled all of this, and I wonder if they even know about this concept. 

“All in the name of capitalism, isn’t it?” 

They knew. So I nod, what else could I do. “Hey, I didn’t invent it and I also don’t agree with it.” 

“But it seems convenient? We see it every day.” 

“You see it… every… day?” I repeated their words slowly, like I had to teach myself something. “Like, in your own society?” 

A weird sound came from Zhakins mouth. I turned around and I saw how Jimmy and the alien next to him were making the same sound. It sort of sounded like laughing, but then in a very creepy way. 

“No, no. We see it on ‘Earthling, Earthling’. It’s on our streaming service, there’s a new episode every day.” 

I stare at Zhakins and try to process what they just said. We are a soap opera. Well, that explains why nobody has tried to make contact with us. Who would want to make contact with a civilization that is a daily source of entertainment?

“I bet we are very entertaining.”

“Oh yes, it has won many intergalactic prizes. Especially in the comedy category. And like I said, Jimmy is a big fan.” 

“I’m glad someone finds the mess we’re in amusing.” I mutter.  

Jimmy walks over to us. He holds a cloth in his hands, with which he seems to dry or clean his hands. Behind him, his colleague closes the panel of the spaceship. It looks like the repairs are done. 

“I love this show so much, I decided to study mechanics and film making at university, so I could work on the production of the show and visit this planet. But I never got the job, and now I work in space exploration. And look at me, I still made it! But you need to explain something to me. I hate the episodes where they show Earthlings with wild animals. They are so cruel to the beautiful animals, man. I don’t understand why Earthlings destroy so much on their planet.” 

“You and me both, Jimmy.” I answer. “You and me both.”

“So you can’t tell me?” 

“I’m afraid not.” 

“What a shame. Well, I guess that’s why the show is such a success. No one knows what drives you people. What your motives are.” 

“Capitalism.” I answer. “You just said it yourself. It’s not everyone’s choice, but we have to deal with it globally.” 

“Capitalism.” Jimmy repeats with a fair share of disbelief in their voice. “Oh wow, that’s primitive.” 

“Guys, we’re good to go. Let’s get away from this shithole planet.” The to me nameless alien knocks with his hand on the spaceship, showing impatience. 

“I’d love to chat more, but the boss is calling.” Jimmy says. I nod and actually start to feel a bit sad that they have to leave already. I watch how Zhakins and Jimmy walk to the silver spaceship and are about to board. 

“Wait! I have a question before you guys go.” I hear how the boss sighs, and they board the spaceship, looking pretty much annoyed. But Jimmy and Zhakins stop and turn around to me. I walk over to them. I get temporarily distracted by the spaceship. The last spaceship I saw going into space was shaped like a penis. This, well, this is what you expect space travel should look like. Flashy, aerodynamic, no gigantic fuel valves. 

“How come I’m the same size as you and how do I get bigger when you leave?” 

“I’m afraid we can’t tell you. You’re not as technically advanced as we, and we aren’t allowed to give you leads on how to do certain things. You need to develop naturally.” Zhakins explains. 

“Ah, the Prime Directive.” I answer. 

“The what?” 

“Never mind. But look, I’m part of an intergalactic entertainment show, you condemned capitalism, you called this planet a shithole, and you called us primitive. Apart from the first thing, I think I can agree with you. But still. We talked now, you told me this. The least you can do is answering my question.” 

“And then, no one will believe you.” Zhakins says. 

“No one will believe what I’m going through right now anyway. Just tell me how.” 

“This Earthling isn’t that dumb.” Jimmy says. “And has a point as well.” 

“Oh alright. Listen. We are all the same size. You just entered our sub dimension. Which we activated when we were to crash-land on this planet. We did that so no one would notice us. When we leave, you will resume the same size again. You, you simply weren’t to notice us. And yes, I think no one will believe you. I had that on Scallus 6 once, and…” 

“Guys, come on! We need to go!” The boss alien sounded angry from inside the spaceship. 

“Well, that’s our call!” Zhakins bows his head a little and I follow their example. They turn around and board the spaceship. Jimmy still stands in front of me. 

“It’s been a pleasure meeting someone from this amazing show! You seem like one of the good people, hopefully I’ll see you some time.” 

“I’ll make sure to wave at the camera for you.” I smile. They make that weird sound again which is probably laughter and finally boards the spaceship as well. With a blink of an eye the spaceship is gone, and I’m staring at the tree that dropped the leaf in the first place. I quickly look around. No one seemed to find it strange that I suddenly must have emerged here. 

Kevin doesn’t believe me when I tell him. That’s okay. His laughter sounds beautiful and not creepy at all, and that’s all I want to hear after this fairly weird day. 

November 02, 2021 16:17

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