Silent Retreat

           “Gloria. I feel like you and I really understand each other. So, I am going to be one-hundred percent honest with you. I don’t think I should have come here. I don’t know if it’s really helping me. You know? I’m really struggling to see the point of this whole… experiment.” Logan was really pouring his heart out. Gloria was looking at him blankly. Well, really, she looked pretty annoyed

           “I just think that whatever Ellie saw in this isn’t going to be the same without her?” At this, Gloria began to soften. The wrinkles of her face deepened as her expression melted into one becoming of the caring grandmother she truly was. Her lips pursed as she prepared to console him. But, before she got the words out, a large man came up to their picnic table and handed Logan a card.

THIS IS A WARNING.

YOU HAVE BROKEN THE RULES OF THIS EXPERIENCE.

PLEASE FOLLOW ME TO SPEAK WITH FATHER JUSTIN.

REFUSAL WILL RESULT IN IMMEDIATE DISMISSAL WITHOUT REFUND.

           Logan read it over slowly and Gloria looked at the messenger. He was a tall man with muted features. He was built like a man who took care of himself in his early twenties but had slacked as the years flew by. A faded tattoo of a snake biting into the apple was prominently displayed in the middle of his left forearm. Its design called out for the completion of some sort of biblical sleeve. Its worn nature led one to assume that the messenger had decided against completing the project.

           Logan nodded at the man and stood up confidently. The messenger turned and began to lead him back towards the monastery. The monastery was old. It had vines wriggling up the sides and crack in every face and window. It was the exact kind of place for an event like this. Solemn. Being there almost forced you to reflect on your mortality and insignificance. Father Justin had them right where he wanted them.

           As the messenger and Logan entered the decorative wooden doors, they turned to the right and began to snake through the halls leading to Father Justin’s chamber. As they passed through, Logan examined each painting hung from the hallowed walls. There were stations of the cross, and certain miracles, but as he got closer to Father Justin’s chamber, they began to depict the scenes of Revelations. Beasts and angels and Jesus come again. It was the first time Logan saw paintings like those. He wondered why they were here, and why he had not seen them anywhere else. They were beautiful, in a frightening way that accomplished the same goal as the monastery.

           When they entered the chamber, Father Justin stood and waved one hand at the messenger, telling him to leave, and one towards Logan, directing him to sit down. Both did as they were told. Father Justin was tall, thin, and spindly. He was a person you would be sure had a skeleton. His facial hair was cleanly trimmed, though his dark hair looked like it had gone too long without attention. There were gray streaks beginning to peak through it all. Only once Father Justin was sure the messenger was a good distance from the door, he began to speak.

           “Logan. You know this is a silent retreat. You knew it when you signed up, and when you came here. This is the second time I have gotten complaints about you talking to other guests. I understand if you have decided you don’t want to do this, but that doesn’t mean I can allow you to ruin it for everyone else.”

           Logan gestured towards his mouth and puffed his cheeks. He was acting as if some intangible force was stopping him from speaking. He contorted his face and struggled in his chair until Father Justin had enough.

           “You can speak in here Logan.” The sigh accompanying the statement exposed his frustration.

           “Did Gloria complain?” Logan asked immediately.

           “No. It wasn’t Gloria.”

           “Well, I was only talking to her. So, I’m not sure who I’m disturbing.”

           “Logan, you know that doesn’t matter. You aren’t a child. Even if you are the youngest one here. Why did you come in the first place if you don’t want to at least try staying quiet?”

           “It was Ellie’s idea, and I had already paid for it… You told me you could refund one ticket but not both. So here I am… I thought it might help.”

           “I’m sorry your girlfriend broke up with you Logan. But I can’t allow you to bother anyone else.”

           “It was mutual.” Logan said it with the conviction of someone who has repeated that line many times to themselves. “But I still don’t understand why she did it. She said that I wasn’t who she fell in love with anymore. Can you believe that? I don’t know who else I would be! I’m still Logan Heart. I am the same height. My favorite color is red. What does that even mean?”

           “Sometimes people change and grow apart. It doesn’t mean you are anything less than who you were before. You are just, maybe, different.”

           “But the way she said it makes me think it’s bad different. I don’t want to be trending down.”

           “Maybe you are! Maybe it’s a wake up call. I’ve known you for forty-eight hours and I can’t say you’ve made a great impression. She cared about you, for a long time, and she told you how she felt. You have to decide now what to do with that knowledge.”

           “I kind of just want to jump off a cliff.” Logan slumped in his chair defeated.

           “Logan! That is not the way to deal with this.”

           “What do you know?! Have you ever even dated anyone? Had your heart broken? It sucks.” Logan was raising his voice.

           “Shhhhhh! I don’t know how many times I have to remind you this is a silent retreat.” He held his finger to his mouth and listened closely. He seemed worried they would be caught even though he was the one in charge. “Do you want your money back? Is that what this is all about? Making me regret a corporate policy I didn’t write?”

           “It’s not about the money! That’s not it. I just… I thought there would be some kind of answer here. But its so… quiet.” He paused for a moment. “I don’t think I’ve ever felt this alone.”

           “You aren’t alone, and I am sorry you feel that way. But maybe there is something you could gain from this after all. The validation you keep seeking outsider yourself, it’s never enough, is it?”

           “I don’t know. I don’t think I always need validation. I just don’t know how else to measure… any of this. Life is hard. When my parents told me that it only got harder, I really had no idea. When someone likes you, or loves you, or says you’ve done good… at least its true to them. It feels more real.”

           “Well, it isn’t.” Father Justin shut that down quickly. “The person’s opinion who counts the most is-”

           Logan cut him off mid-sentence. “God?”

           “No. But that is a good guess.” Father Justin smirked. “It’s you. It’s not Ellie. It’s not me. It’s not Gloria. You need to make peace with yourself.”

           “How does anyone do that?”

           “I can’t answer that for you. No one can. The good news is the answer is already with you. You just have to listen for it. Quietly.” Father Justin sat back down in his chair. “I won’t kick you out yet. You may be the one who needs this the most. Please Logan, promise me you will stay silent and give it a try?... You might like what you hear.”

           Logan was still, for a moment, and then nodded.