Even the Angels Don't Love Me

“Oh the angels, even the angels don’t love me…”

           Lisa sang quietly to herself as she picked at her earrings. For some reason, she had woken up this morning with a stinging sensation in her ears. She fiddled with her small stud earrings, slowly becoming paranoid that somehow she was having an allergic reaction to the jewelry she had worn for a decade already. Perhaps even a deadly reaction…

           “I’ll slip through their wings and fall down to hell…”

           “Lisa, did you hear what I said?”

           She gasped as she quickly put her hands in her lap, embarrassed she had zoned out for so long. Lisa reoriented herself and focused on Jaya, her therapist, sitting right in front of her.

           “I was trying to give you relationship advice,” Jaya continued. “But you’ve just been singing to yourself. I haven’t heard that song before – is it new?” Jaya tried to smile to make Lisa feel less embarrassed, but Lisa shrank down in her seat.

           “Um, uh, yeah, it’s a song. I don’t know where it came from, but, uh- I'm sorry, could you repeat the advice?”

           The room grew a bit darker as a cloud must have passed by outside. Lisa saw the shadows begin to obscure Jaya’s face. “I said, if you ever feel pressured by Shane, or any other partner you may have, you shouldn’t feel afraid to-“

           Lisa’s fingers returned to her ears as she felt like they had started to ring. And as she did so, still trying to hang onto every word Jaya said, she thought that Jaya’s voice became unnaturally deep.

           “C-could you say that again?” Lisa trembled.

           There was no mistaking it this time. Lisa blinked and rubbed her eyes, but nothing she did stopped Jaya’s face from looking gaunt and cracked, her eyes dull and tired. Her voice started to sound like gravel was pouring out of her mouth.

           “I said you shouldn’t be afraid to CUT people out of your life!”

           Jaya’s corpse-like appearance drove Lisa to jump out of her seat. She then rushed to the door, scratching one of her ears so hard that her earring fell out. “I’m sorry- I have to go now- I’ll see you next week-“

           “Wait, Lisa, what’s wrong?” Jaya called out in her normal voice as light returned to the room. But Lisa noticed neither of these things.

           “Oh the angels, even the angels don’t love me…” Lisa sang to herself mindlessly as she walked out of the therapist’s office for the last time.

***

           “I still don’t understand why you had to go to therapy Lisa,” her mom chided her as Lisa sat wordlessly at the dinner table.

           Lisa didn’t look up as she stared at her reflection in her sparse vegetable soup. “I don’t know Mom. Maybe being twenty-five and living with my parents and working at a movie theater isn’t doing wonders for my mental health.”

           She regretted saying that out loud. Lisa hadn’t started a fight over dinner since she was in high school. But it didn’t matter since her mother (once again) ignored her and instead exclaimed-

           “Oh Lisa! You lost an earring! Look at you, a grown woman and you can’t even wear jewelry properly! Well, maybe Shane can buy you something new, huh? How’s it going with that boy?”

           The last thing Lisa wanted to do was discuss her relationship with her mom. That woman was already one glass of wine deep – in a matter of minutes the conversation would lead to having children, which meant talking about having…

           “I’ll slip through their wings and fall down to hell…” Lisa sang as she picked out a carrot from her soup.

           “If you’re not going to talk to your mother about your love life, then at least eat your carrots.” She picked up the carrots and tossed them back into Lisa’s soup before going to refill her wine glass.

           Her mother never said a word about the song Lisa was singing to herself. And in return, Lisa didn’t say a word about how the carrots seemed to turn black and moldy when they returned to her soup. Lisa just stared at her reflection being consumed by wisps of darkness, eroding away her eyes…

***

           > Just ignore your mom. You know she can say toxic things without meaning it. Lol

           Lisa stared down at her phone, reading Shane’s text over and over. She liked him decently enough. At least, better than the other duds on the dating apps. What she valued most was finally having someone who’d agree with her that her mother was oppressive. Jaya never took that stance.

           Lisa shuddered as she thought about Jaya’s appearance. It had to be in her head. It was all in her head. But maybe… maybe somehow Jaya was really at her wit’s end listening to Lisa complain week after week after-

           “Lisa! I don’t pay you to be on your phone! You greet the guests – is that so hard?”

           Mr. Romano, the theater manager, had a habit of sneaking up on Lisa when she least wanted him around. It was first thing in the morning too, on a slow Sunday no less.

           “I’m sorry Mr. Romano, it won’t happen ag-“

           Lisa stopped when she realized his face was dark and sunken, just like Jaya’s was. He looked like he was grinding his teeth so hard that the skin on his lips and chin were peeling away. His brow was furrowed and left a million cracks in his forehead.

           “What am I going to do with you? You’re the oldest member of the greeting team and you act the least responsible! You need to lead by example, or we’ll have to CUT your hours!”

           As he walked away muttering to himself, Lisa stood shaking, scratching her ears again.

           “All around me, all their eyes are all sunken…” she sang to herself as she peeled the scabs off her ears. Blood began to collect underneath her fingertips. Not that anyone noticed.

***

           “Hey, quit the theater. I mean it, that job is abusing you.”

           Shane sat next to Lisa on the couch in his apartment. It was a black leather couch, one that doubled as his bed when it extended out. Not that Lisa ever stayed long enough to see Shane’s bed.

           “I don’t know… I dropped out of college so it’s not like I have a long line of jobs waiting for me…” Lisa pouted. None of the pills or college counselors had saved her from the stress and exhaustion, so she left for her sanity’s sake. Though, time had a funny way of bringing those same problems back around to her regardless.

           “Hey,” Shane said, putting a hand on Lisa’s leg. “I’ve got a good job you know. Accounting isn’t the most fun, but the day trading helps. Just quit. I’ll take care of you.” He gently rubbed her kneecap with his thumb. “For a while at least, I’m sure you’d wanna get back on your feet. But you could also move in here. Get away from your mom. You know, two birds, one stone…”

           Lisa’s heart fell like a stone. She had only been dating Shane for about seven months. She eyed his hand on her knee. They still hadn’t even had…

           “Maybe. Maybe I can talk it through with Jaya. Except… she kinda scared me with her advice. She was like, ‘cut people out,’ or something…”

“That sounds drastic. Maybe you should stop seeing that therapist.”

“Yeah… maybe…” Lisa looked out Shane’s apartment window at the setting sun. “I should get going. My mom’s gonna go on a whole spiel about letting food go to waste if I’m late.”

           As she stood to get up, Shane’s fingers lightly caressed her hand. “I meant it. I’m here for you if you need me. Just… take your time.”

           Lisa smiled but still felt down. She fiddled with the bandage over her ear and walked away. But in the doorway, she turned back to look at Shane, still looking at her with care in his eyes.

           “Promise you won’t start to think of me as a burden one day?”

           “I promise,” Shane replied so easily.

           As she walked back to her car, the faces of Jaya, her mom, and even Mr. Romano all floated in her mind. All of them slowly becoming twisted like they were being wrung out. Black liquid seeped out of their twisted heads and fell onto her heart. Each drop burned and made her feel heavier.

           Shane’s face didn’t make her feel like that. At least not yet, she fearfully thought.

           “But whose arms do I fall in, when no one loves me…?” she sang to herself, her ears beginning to bleed once more as her car engine roared to life.

***

           > Do it. Just call him and quit. Lol

           > Isn’t that rude? Don’t I need a two weeks’ notice?

           > You’re at least calling him. You could also not show up and say nothing.

           Lisa sat in her bed texting Shane early in the morning before her shift at the theater. She couldn’t sleep the night before. Her ears kept ringing in the night, and every now and then, she felt like a heavy boulder was being catapulted straight into her chest. She was reapplying bandages to her ears, fully covered in scabs, thinking about what to text Shane. Then he texted before she even replied.

           > You could come over tonight and we could call him together. I’ll be by your side. Romantic date night? Lol

           She started to breathe in deep and close her eyes. She didn’t expect to feel tempted by his offer, but she knew she’d feel like even more of a burden making him dial the numbers for her or whatever.

           “I’ll slip through their wings and fall down to hell…” Lisa serenaded herself as she started to call Mr. Romano.

           “What is it?” he growled.

           As soon as his voice exited the phone, Lisa’s ear began to pound and her head felt like a stake was being driven through it. She gasped in pain and fumbled with her phone to put it on speaker.

           “Mr. Romano!” she practically shouted. “I quit!” The sudden pain turned off her desire to beat around the bush.

           “What?” he roared. “Who’s gonna open this morning then? At least come in or call a coworker to swap your shift!”

           “I- I can’t! Everyone… All around me, all their eyes are all sunken…”

           “Are you singing? You’re crazy, what’s the matter wit-“

           She ended the call and threw her hands in front of her mouth, mortified at what she had just done. Within just thirty seconds, she had lost her paycheck. But not only that…

           It was now dawning on her that she truly had no idea where this song came from.

***

           “Lisa, you’ve been jobless for a week. All you’ve been doing is lounging around the house listening to music. Shouldn’t you at least go to therapy this week?”

           Her mom stood at the entrance to the living room, holding a laundry basket of Lisa’s clothes. Lisa was laying back on the couch, arms folded, accepting the couch as her coffin. She was wearing large noise cancelling headphones – at first, they were to try and listen to all of her saved songs to figure out where the angel song came from. But after no success, she just used the headphones to cover up how scarred and scabbed her ears had become.

           “I don’t think I’ll go back. Jaya’s probably sick and tired of listening to me.”

           “Sweetie, it’s her job. She’s not tired of you, just go back. We’re worried about you, especially after the way you stormed out last week.”

           The lights in the room grew dark as Lisa rose to her feet. “How… how did you know about that?”

           Her mom looked slightly guilty and put down the laundry basket. “Lisa, you know I’ve been worried about you ever since college. You needed a lot of help then. So, I- I just, you know, emailed your current therapist every now and then.”

           With each word she spoke, Lisa’s mom slowly began to shrivel. Her skin became gray, and her eyelids started to droop. Her voice was both weak and low yet cut Lisa’s heart. “I just needed to know if you were okay.”

           “So, you invaded my privacy?” Lisa rebutted, horrified. “And- and- Jaya, she just ignored doctor-patient confidentiality?”

           “No! I swear she didn’t, she never revealed any details. I just wanted to confirm if you were okay or on any pills or-“ but at this point, the room became pitch black to Lisa. Shadowy tendrils crawled out of her mom’s mouth and made their way to Lisa’s ears.

           “Stop! Stop! I’m moving out! I've had enough of you! You’re- you’re- you’re toxic!” Lisa ran out the room, warm blood against her palms as she held them to her head. She never turned to see her mother with tears in her eyes and instead slammed the door.

           > How soon can I move in with you?

           Shane’s reply was almost immediate.

           > As soon as you’re ready. No rush. Lol

           Lisa cried as her phone trembled in her hand. She lost her job. She lost Jaya. She lost her mother. She couldn’t afford to lose Shane too. She began to type out “Are you sure you love me?” but stopped and deleted the message. Instead, she gave into the song, buried deep in her very being at this point.

           “Oh the angels, even the angels don’t love me…

“I’ll slip through their wings and fall down to hell…

“All around me, all their eyes are all sunken…

“But whose arms do I fall in, when no one loves me…?”

***

           “Thank you again for letting me stay here,” Lisa whispered as she hugged Shane. All around them were boxes of her possessions, all hurriedly packed away while her mother was out of the house.

           “Yeah, of course,” Shane whispered as he stroked her hair. He then gently caressed her ears. “What happened to them? They’re like, damp and scaly?”

           Lisa smiled and wiped away a tear. “Yeah, um… there’s just been so much going on lately, I haven’t really had time to see a doctor or anything. But like, my ears hurt and they keep bleeding…”

           “Whoa, what the hell Lisa?” There was no anger in his voice, only genuine concern in his eyes. Lisa felt like she could lose herself in them. “I’m gonna try and schedule an appointment with my primary care doctor. Maybe he’ll take you in on short notice.” He walked over and sat on the couch, opening his laptop on the coffee table in front of it.

           Lisa slowly walked over, carefully studying Shane’s face. Her heart beat louder and louder as she felt the blood pulse in her ears. She was bracing herself for Shane’s face to distort itself, to become nightmarish. Instead, it just was lit up by the computer screen as he hurriedly opened up another browser tab. Lisa sat next to him and felt nothing but warmth.

           This time, she put her hand on his knee and rubbed it.

           “I think I’m finally ready,” she whispered.

           “For wha- oh.”

           They unfolded the couch into the bed.

***

           Night had fallen. Though it became dark outside, it never did inside like it did with Jaya and Lisa’s mom. Lisa just laid there next to Shane, feeling his heartbeat against his bare chest. His face never distorted itself.

           She smiled as she sang the song without her ears bleeding for the first time.

           “Oh the angels, even the angels don’t love me…”

           “What was that?” Shane rolled over and brushed his fingers against Lisa’s hips.

           “Oh, uh,” Lisa laughed, finally coming to terms with how embarrassing it was to admit. “So, I’ve had this, uh, made up song stuck in my head for a while now. I don’t know, like, less than a few weeks. And I’ve just been singing it to myself. And it just got me thinking…”

           Lisa shuffled under the blankets closer to Shane, resting her wrecked ear against his shoulder. “I kept singing the song as I was cutting people out of my life. There was Mr. Romano. And Jaya, you remember my therapist, right? And, yeah, my mom too…” A pang of guilt struck her heart saying that aloud, but she resisted it and leaned harder into Shane’s body. “Now, I’m not around them anymore. Now, all I have is… you…”

           She tried to make peace with her life as she smiled and felt Shane’s heartbeat again. She began to hum the song without singing the lyrics this time, trying to let it go after so long. And as she hummed, she didn’t realize Shane’s heartbeat began to slow down…

           “But whose arms do I fall in, when no one loves me…?”

           Her eyes flew wide open. She didn’t sing that.

           She turned to look at Shane. He was looking up at the ceiling, humming the same tune, except…

           “How- I- I never sang that part in front of you? How do you know it…?”

           Shane then slowly turned to face Lisa, and as he did the darkness fell once more upon Lisa’s world. But instead of Shane’s face becoming dark and decayed, it instead began to grow reddish, his eyes gleaming as a grin stretched itself across his face, teeth becoming impossibly large.

           “Who do you think was the one who put the song in your head?” he hissed into Lisa’s ear. He held her body tight in his grip as her ears began to burn and bleed, no one else around to hear her scream.