The Earworm

“My angriness from sixth grade will scar my memory for life and I will be ashamed of my sixth grade year forever.”    -The Night Stalker

THE EARWORM

              Benjamin could never discover what it was exactly that made him cease to be an ordinary student.  He knew that he was one once, as he and his classmates emerged from the long dark time of uncertainty that preceded his revelations. There wasn’t a single precocious learner among them; precociousness was a source of embarrassment that brought the class to a halt as if someone had farted or used profanity. Boys his brother Mark’s age were known mainly for fistfights, obscenities and things Benjamin had not yet been exposed to. Those years were thought of as a dangerous place, and he had not even considered what the pitfalls for teenage girls were. Teachers were always talking about “role models” but where were they? Ben had gotten an A+ for giving a report on it, but how was greatness served in the class after he was done? He had proven his own intelligence but he had no answer.

              Perhaps it was the day in English that two of his peers got into a “lovers’ quarrel” in front of the entire class. A very innocent Ben looked up from his reading as they started verbally sparring with each other, then the teacher snapped his fingers and pointed to the door.

              Mr. Reynolds sat on the front of his desk with a contemplative look as if his day had become much more interesting.

              “I want to know what you all think about that.” he said spontaneously. “I’ll give you ten minutes to write a paragraph on Tara and Greg’s behavior just now. “

              Curious pencils began scribbling. At composition Ben was best in the class; he wrote furiously until he had three well-written pages. Then the teacher opened the classroom door and the two arguers came back inside with grins on their faces. He had asked them to perform a dramatization for this assignment.

              Ben was tempted to ball up what he had written but he passed it obediently forward, embarrassed by the wrongness of his conclusions. He approached Mr. Reynolds afterward and asked if he could take his original paper back so he could write a better one.

              “That’s very conscientious of you Benjamin but it defeats the purpose of the exercise.” he answered. “There’s no shame in being wrong, we learn much more than we would if we knew everything in advance.”

              Ben knew this to be true but he still felt there was something wrong with this logic he couldn’t quite grasp. If the teacher himself had done his best on some publication and was told the facts he was given were false, that’s not the same thing as being wrong and learning from one’s mistakes.   If Ben were to follow this example by switching papers that would be considered cheating. But if he got the best grade in the class and was still mistaken what good is knowledge?

              He knew there were even further thoughts behind this; it was like a worm that had crawled into his brain. He decided to write a new paper anyway. Mr. Reynolds was surprised but accepted it, saying he was only concerned Ben would think there was nothing to learn from this.

              “Even if you were right and I was wrong, you’d be cheating yourself if you thought there is nothing to learn from a situation.” he explained. “Anything useful you can gather helps you. It isn’t something you do for me but for yourself.”

              Ben nodded and agreed that he would find something he could learn from this experience.

-

              Ben came home to a little house with a smoking kitchen chimney.  His older brother Mark was rarely seen outside his room or in the house at all. It wasn’t until after they had finished dinner that the door slammed and Mark’s body could be seen racing upstairs.

              “It’s your turn to do the dishes!” their mother shouted up the stairs after him. “They’ll grow mold and make us sick if you don’t!”

              As the sound of this argument continued, Ben was still thinking about class and how Greg and Tara were just pretending, and it occurred to him their mother’s statement about mold growing on the dishes wasn’t entirely true. What would really happen if Mark didn’t wash them is he would get kicked out of the house. They would never allow a moldy situation, they would probably rather have no children. So this statement was both true and false, although there was no word for such a thing.

              When their mother came back down again Ben was washing and drying everything in the sink.

              “Oh thank you Benjamin.” she breathed easy. “I wish your brother could be more like you.”

-

2

              These were just a few of the things on his mind as Ben discovered the power to affect other people was in his own hands. He was able to get high marks without any effort, but as he thought of everything as an opportunity for himself there were students who struggled just to complete them.

               Ben was on his way back from the library when there was an altercation in the hallway. Several boys were made to line up against the wall and greater expectations demanded of them by a gray-haired science teacher pointing his finger at them.

              “Skipping class is not acceptable nor is using this kind of verbal garbage!” he chided them. “Can’t you see yourselves? Productive citizens have self-respect and take pride in their appearance. Look at this young man here, the example he sets.” he indicated Ben who stopped in his tracks. “Well, do you have anything to say for yourselves?”

              Ben didn’t like being singled out and felt they were snickering at him.

              “Actually I’m not much different from them.” he spoke up since no one else would.

              The teacher was surprised by this answer and turned around.

              “But you do what is expected of you and that leads to better things than the life of a delinquent.” he stated. “Confucius said ‘Respect yourself and others will respect you.’”

              “But you’re just saying that to get them to do something you want.” Ben responded. The teacher was taken aback by this and motioned for the boys to march down to study hall.  When they were gone he pulled Ben aside.

              “Listen, as one of our best students it would be wise if you kept such opinions in private.” he lowered his voice. “We all need to work together here.”

              “But you act like getting high marks gives me something they don’t have.” Ben replied. “What if I see them as my brothers and quoted Gandhi, would that also be respectable?”

              “I don’t really have time for a philosophical discussion right now.” he returned to his desk. “Do you see these gray hairs? They come with wisdom. If those boys don’t learn to correct themselves now what future do they have? There are paths we need to follow, I was a student here myself.”

              “Yes I can see that you were.” Ben answered under his breath, and said no more.

-

              Ben would stew on this confusing encounter for a while. To be used as a shining example and then immediately cast aside threw a wrench into exactly what he thought to be true all this time. Ben didn’t think he was wise or he would see this for himself.

              Not long after this incident Ben learned to his dismay that in Literature they would be spending an entire month on a novel he had already read. He already knew all the answers; he wasn’t sure if he should be raising his hand every time or just sit there in silence as the teacher tried to pull guesses from his peers, except that this had become a waste of time.

              Mr. Reynolds declared that they would be engaging in a class debate, and they divided into pairs. Ben chose Mr. Reynolds himself to ask if he could be taken out of English entirely by taking a placement test as they did with foreign languages.

              “That’s a novel idea.” the teacher said. “I’d be hard-pressed to find an argument against it.”

              “When can I start then?” Ben’s face lit up.

              “Wait, no you misunderstand me.” Mr. Reynolds revised himself. “It’s a great suggestion but I don’t decide these things.”

              “But if my goal is to improve myself then why wait?” Ben responded. “You say I’m your best student but you won’t do this for me?”

              Mr. Reynolds sat back with a conflicted look on his face. Ben demanded to know the reason for this policy, intending to present his argument to the entire class with the teacher representing the position of the school.

              “It would be pointless because it’s not my decision to make.” Reynolds lowered his voice. “The best I can do is submit a letter to the administration.”

              “But you could make it happen very easily.” Ben stated a fact. “Just mark down that I’ve completed the course.”

              “That would be showing favoritism.” the teacher sighed. “It wouldn’t be fair to those who work hard to get those grades. An A is an accomplishment people take pride in.”

              “An A is a letter.” Ben said to his face. “You write down hundreds of them in a book each day.”

              The timer on the teacher’s desk sounded that it was time for their presentations. A very disgruntled Ben was the only one raising his hand.

The teacher nodded reluctantly and Ben went to the chalkboard where he wrote in large letters “Does performance in school actually lead someplace?”.

              Ben described to the class his recent encounter with a disciplinarian and challenged the teacher to prove that excelling in class gets results by granting the student with the highest grades one request, saying he would withdraw it if the class voted against him.

              “I’ve seen many former students move on to great things.” Mr. Reynolds shook his head. “Do you want me to give examples?”

              “Give me something I can see.” Ben pleaded with him. “Don’t you think the things you say will be lost if they can’t be demonstrated?”

              “There are many good lessons and talented individuals but if you’re looking at this school itself it’s not a place that produces world leaders and poet laureates every single time.” the teacher’s gaze turned downward. “It has flaws, which is not your fault or mine, we just have to set our minds above this.”

              “But you can do something about it.” Ben answered. “You just don’t choose to.”

              “That’s not true.” Reynolds looked at him strangely. “I’m sorry but those kinds of favors aren’t allowed for a reason. I have morals and it’s a can of worms that would be hard to close again.”

              “So there’s nothing I can ask for that’s not in the lesson plan?” Ben demanded. “What if I wanted Nathan’s score to be changed from a fail to a pass so the entire class can graduate together? That’s called Altruism, where you think of others before yourself.”

              Mr. Reynolds seemed to be at a loss but in fact he was pondering how to put his thoughts delicately.

              “Being a student isn’t just about building a pile of grades and asking for a reward.” he resorted to a point he didn’t want to use. “It’s also a role. There are many ways to improve ourselves but your place as a student doesn’t change. There is nothing you can say to change it any more than I can change mine.”

              It looked as if he had said something he didn’t intend.

              “What is the point of debate then?” Ben fired back. “If you have morals can’t you be forced to do something by honesty? Is my subject not good enough? Do you have doubts?”

              As Ben approached him like a man possessed his words seemed to paint him into a verbal corner.

              “What if the entire class asked for a better teacher?” Ben finished with something he couldn’t believe he was saying. “One who inspires us to succeed?”

              “You don’t think I want you to succeed?” Mr. Reynolds showed his emotion. “How can you say that?”

              Ben pondered and seemed to absorb the silence of the room.

              “Because people who are less smart are easy to manage.” he said finally.

              For a moment it seemed he was the adult speaking. Mr. Reynolds’ eyes narrowed at him.

              “This discussion is over and this assignment no longer counts toward your final grade.” he told the class. “Go back to your reading until the bell.”

-

3

              Ben returned to his amiable self, astonished that this thing had taken charge of him. It was still there working in the back of his skull. Nevertheless he felt badly for Mr. Reynolds and wanted to apologize. At the end of the day Ben found him standing outside the building with a bottle in his hand. Ben asked if he was angry with him.

“I’m going to tell you something that must never be repeated.” he said. “I used to have a better job than this, but my life didn’t go the way I planned. You can make whatever you want out of that but you have to listen to me. Do the absolute best that you can so you can get out of here. You have abilities I don’t have, doors will open for you. There is a harsh world that this school is only a glimpse of.”

              “But what if I want to stay and help make this a better place?” Ben asked innocently.

              Mr. Reynolds looked at him with a trace of sadness.

              “Tell me about your family situation.” he said curiously. Ben answered that he had an older brother who was a troublemaker.

              “Is he close to being kicked out of the house?” the teacher inquired.

              “Yes, when he turns eighteen.” Ben replied.

              “And you are your parents’ favorite son? You work hard to do everything expected of you?”

              “Yes, why?” Ben asked confusedly.

              “What if I told you that you too will be evicted at that age?” the teacher posed.

              Ben was unprepared for this odd statement. How could he possibly know such a thing? Ben was nothing like his brother; eviction was a punishment for disobedience.

              “Why don’t you ask them?” the teacher dared him.

-

              When Ben came home his parents were indeed discussing the problem of Mark and what to do about him. His father’s disappointment could not be contained. The conversation ended and his father left. When Ben entered the room his mother saw the disillusion on his face.

              “Mom can I talk to you about something?” he said in a quiet voice.  “I want to do something to help Mark. You know when someone has a good reputation they can ‘vouch’ for someone else?”

              “That’s sweet of you but he has to learn to be responsible for his own actions.” she answered.

              “I know that but we don’t understand him well enough to make a decision because we don’t know what his reasons are.” he responded.

              “Oh Ben, you are so good and pure.” she stroked his face. “You are the son every mother wants.”

              “But what if I wanted to take more responsibility here at home?” he posed.

              “What do you mean?”

              “It’s hard on you doing everything here by yourself.” he offered.  “What if I took a job and started to help pay the bills? Mark could stay and it wouldn’t cost you anything.”

              “That’s a nice thought Ben but it doesn’t really help him.” she responded. “There’s something called dependency. Have you heard the expression ‘Give a man a fish and he eats for a day, teach him to fish and he eats for life’?”.

              Ben nodded. He thought for a moment and then said “What if I wanted something in return for myself?”

              “I’m not sure what you mean.” she replied.

              “As I get older there’ll be lots of ways I can help the family.” he suggested. “Then I could stay here as long as I want just as you do.”

              “What are you trying to say, Ben?” her face straightened. “You don’t want to go to college?”

              “That’s not what I’m saying. What if you got sick or something? I could be far away when you need me. Who else is going to make this promise? Mark? Dad?”

              “You have to think of yourself, Son.” she answered. “That’s why we raised you, to leave the nest and have a life of your own.”

              “But think of the advantages living here would give me instead of starting from scratch.” he reasoned. “What major or scholarship is worth more than sharing this house with you at my side?”

              She stared at him in bewilderment.

              “What on earth has come over you, Ben?” she asked him. “Are you trying to make a deal with me so you can take your father’s place?”

              “No I’m not saying that at all.” he pleaded. “I just want to be like you and everything that comes with it. You’ve shown me exactly how it works!”

              “I don’t know where you got these notions Ben but you’re expected to leave the nest when you come of age.” she seemed cross. “Your father owns this house. We love you no matter what but we don’t technically need you and I certainly don’t need your sympathy!”

              She stormed out of the room. Ben recognized these same words from her arguments with Mark and was shocked to hear them. He was a fool to think he had been earning something for his efforts all this time. His parents would grow old someday and the house would probably be sold long before he could do anything to preserve it. He wanted to break down and cry but found that he couldn’t. The earworm had taken away his tears.