Pieces

 I lay in my bed awake, I do this a lot now. The not sleeping, the thinking of the what ifs. Finally, I climbed out of our bed. My feet hit the cool wood floors, I find myself walking softly down the hall, not wanting to wake you. I get to the kitchen and get a cool glass of water. As I stand here drinking, the memories wash over me. I go cold through my veins, tears pooling in my eyes. I remember you are no longer here. No longer sleeping beside me, no need for me to sneak downstairs. To tiptoe quietly, not wanting to disturb your needed sleep. My heart feels freshly ripped out, stomped on, torn in two. I hold myself up on the counter trying to catch my breath. 

 After I regain myself I go back to our room, of course I can't sleep. I open my drawer and pull out pictures of when we were happy and carefree. I run my finger across your face, desperately wishing I was touching you. I can almost feel your rugged skin, your coarse beard, your rough hands. I flip to the next picture and see how you used to look at me. Like I was the only one in the world. You made me feel so beautiful, so loved. We had so much ahead of us, or so I thought. 

Some many memories, so much laughter. Hours of talking, kissing, and so much more. To feel your lips on my skin again I would give anything. Just an hour in our bed would be worth more than the world. If I try hard enough I can still feel your touch, I can almost hear you say my name. Softly and gently you whisper how much you love me. I can almost feel you there behind me, pulling me into your arms and feeling your breath on my neck. 

 I get up and go to our closet. I pull out one of your shirts, the few that are left and slip it over my head. I go back and curl up in bed. I close my eyes, pulling your shirt up to my nose. Willing myself to go to sleep and maybe I will dream of you. A time when you held my heart in your hands. Back when it was whole, beating in tune to yours. Finally I begin to drift off.

 In my dream I am brought back to our wedding day. We were so young, young enough we thought we knew everything. We only saw each other, everyone and everything else just fading away. It was a beautiful day, clear skies, warm but not hot. It was a small ceremony, just close friends and family. I walked down the aisle to you, staring in your eyes the whole way. Never looking away, we were the only two there. I gave my heart and my life to you. Pledged to never leave. You pulled me into your arms and kissed me with so much promise I couldn't help but believe you. I jolt awake and realize I am back here in our room alone. You did leave me. You left me with a fistful of broken promises.

 I turn over hoping to forget my loneliness, even though I don't think that is actually possible. I find myself reliving the day you shattered my soul. It was just a regular day. Coffee, breakfast, goodbye kisses before work. Promises to see each other at the end of the day. To sit down with a glass of wine, to eat whatever you decided to pick up. I got off work and headed to our home, excited to be welcomed by your smile. Instead, I came home to a note. I picked it up and read that you had left and that I wasn't enough for you anymore. I look around our home, not wanting to believe the words in front of me. Most of your belongings are gone, just a few stray reminders of you. I sit down and wonder when did you know it was over for you? When did you know you would tear my world apart with nothing but words scrawled on a torn out piece of paper? How did you decide that you were going to walk out and leave nothing but brokenness? As I sit on the floor I begin to cry, tears saturating the paper, your words blurring in the page. I didn't see this coming, our story isn't over for me.

I wake up hating that I relived that yet again. I am wet from the tears, they are on your shirt and on my pillow. I decided I should just get up and make coffee. No point in trying to sleep anymore, I will just see your face each time I close my eyes. Even though I know it's not just the night that I see you, you linger everywhere in the day too. I see your reflection in the mirrors, I see your cup sitting there waiting for you to pour your coffee and take it to your chair. Your razor is still in the bathroom and your shampoo in the shower. You are everywhere I turn. Will I ever escape you?  I want to forget you, sometimes I think that's cruel because so much of  you shaped me into who I am today. Now I am just someone staring into the past trying to grasp the once familiar. The pain is too much. I want to heal, to seal up this crack that is running through me. To take my heart and glue each piece back together. To wake up with a smile, to relish the sun shining, not to curse it. I am tired of faking a smile, reassuring everyone I'm fine. I want to sleep and not dream of you. But you took pieces of me with you and now I won’t ever get them back. I want to put you in the past and for you to stay there. To quit creeping into my days and nights. 

I make myself agree to go out with friends. Friends that now have to choose between us. Before long, they will decide they are tired of splitting their time and just make the decision on whom they belong to. For now I will force myself to laugh at their jokes, heed their advice, and not notice how hard they try to avoid the topic of you. I get dressed, do my hair, apply my makeup, and head out to meet them. They have brought someone new for me to meet, obviously it's another set up I’m not ready for. Someone else for me to fake interest in to get through the night. Some poor man to compare to you. Silently praying for the minutes to pass quickly so I can go back to our home and my memories. I hope one day I can move on, but for now it's not it. The night finally ends, I go back home and into our room where I slip your shirt over my head. I decided to lay on your side tonight, maybe it will help me feel you better. 

As the weeks go by,  I have been trying to erase you minute by minute, day by day.  I find myself thinking of you less and less. Your smell has faded from your shirt. My dreams aren't haunted by our memories. Little pieces of my heart are being put back together. This giant crack you made through me is getting smaller. Even though I have wished you away so badly, sometimes I find I want a small piece of you back. It hurts to see you become my past but I desperately need a future. I need to move on, knowing that is what I need to be happy. I want to feel again, I want to smile and laugh. I don't know what that looks like without you, but I'm trying to find it. 

I am always looking for ways to eliminate you from my life. I box up your shirts, the pictures, and your coffee mug. I clean out your things from the bathroom. I buy new sheets and pillows. I do anything I can to erase your marks you left behind.

More time has passed and today I woke up and realized I slept all night without a glimpse of you.  I woke up remembering I was alone and was able to inhale a full breath not catching on sadness. I will live today, find moments to smile. To mend and heal. As you fade from me  I hope my memory lingers with you. That you have moments where a thought catches you, making your heart hurt just a little. As you dream, I hope you can feel my hands on your body and hear my voice whispering in your ear. That you feel guilt from leaving me all alone to pick up my pieces. I hope you remember with pain that you never gave me a chance to see our ending coming. I go on in spite of you and know that I am enough, that you are just a piece in my past that I used to be in love with.