Your Life in your hands

I am an addict.

That’s too strong, let’s try again, but this time , with a question instead

Am I an ADDICT?

Do I need help?

Who could help me, even if I needed help?

Whom do I talk to, and is this even considered a addiction?

After all, this is “normal”. I hear, everyone does this, ALL the time.

If so, then why am I an addict?

I wondered all of this at 1 AM on a winter evening.

Standing in my bathroom with my pants down and my D*ick in my hand.

Not kidding.

I was not feeling bad about being pants down or holding my “organ” in my hand.

I was feeling bad, about what was in front of me.

My laptop screen with many open tabs of porn.

How do you “get rid” of something that has been a part of you for the last 20+ years.

Something that has shielded you from pain, during heartbreak, during work stress, during boredom or during moments when life has overwhelmed you.

And now suddenly it is a bad thing?

Seems like turning on a friend, a very dear friend.

After all, is not that what friends help you do.

Be with you during tough times, so that you can enjoy the better times.

Else it just seems a one-sided friendship.

But for arguments sake, let us assume, porn is a bad thing, not just bad, it is a terrible thing.

What do you want me to do?

Not watch it, watch it less, or something else drastic like tell my wife about it and add even some embarrassment and shame to it?

What do you want me to replace it with?

At 1 AM, on a weekday, when I am feeling stressed, about an upcoming interview or a presentation

Let me give you a rundown of the usual suspects handed out as options on reddit and other places where people go to seek advice about their deepest problem and challenges in life 😊

DO you want me to do deep breathing?

Sit in a corner and just try to breathe away my worries. One deep breath at a time?

Or here is another one I have read in the online forums for “curing” this “problem”

Cold showers, yep, cold showers at 1 AM will surely solve one problem and create a HUGE one.

But I have observed one thing, with my vast and deep experience in this “addiction”

There are usually a few seconds before you type out the letters of your fav porn site in the browser,

A voice that says “No!  DON' T! “Do NOT, do it.

The same voice also says “I am ashamed of you because you are pathetic “

But there is a brief question that comes up each time.

Do you want to be that man, again tonight?

It’s like the blue pill vs the red pill scene except that there is no in front of you showing you two pills

The question that is never asked but is the real question that my fingers are trying to escape before my mind fully realizes is – “Are you really that weak that you cannot face life without this terrible habit?”

On somedays, or rather some nights, I have managed to listen to that inner voice and shut down the browser and step away from the laptop. Those nights, I am proud of myself, esp. when I wake up the next day. I feel like a warrior who has vanquished his biggest nemesis.

Those mornings I Thank the Higher power for giving me the strength to overcome my “dark side.” that feels strange to write- my greatest nemesis is my own dark side, that does not make sense, a version of me is my enemy and I am engaged in some weird battle to fight myself and then regain control? “

But then a few days later, the urges start slowly building up. And after a week or so, I relent.

But somedays, I WANT it, I NEED it, and if anyone tries to stop me, I will not let anything stand in the way.

Sounds dangerous, right, like a…. an addict.

So, there you have it,

I think I have answered my question that I put out at the beginning-

I am an addict.

Say it with me …

I AM An ADDICT, and

I HAVE BEEN An ADDICT FOR A LONG TIME now

Ouch, that hurts, but how can I be an addict.

I am a responsible man, with a graduate degree, working in a good job

I am good with money, I do not smoke, or drink much, I am a homeowner and pay all my bills on time

I am not even on Instagram for god’s sake.

So, I am a 39-year-old, middle aged porn addict?

Wow, what a way to dive into my midlife crisis!

Are not addicts the one is we see by the side of the roads, asking for money?

Aren’t addicts supposed to look sad and defeated and poor?

How can I be an addict?

And why is it such a bad thing to watch some images on a screen for a few minutes, or sometimes for an hour, and scroll through 20-30, 50 videos?

Who is dying due to my addiction any way ?

What is the big fucking deal?

To answer this question, I tried abstaining from Porn for a few weeks.

It is not hard for a few days,

By the time you hit the 7-8 days mark, the cravings start.

The irritations start,

The anxiety kicks in

I start feeling on the edge.

And then when I tried to masturbate without porn, I would spend over 20 mins in the bathroom but nothing would work.

That is the time I realized the impact of “my friend” who had been with me for the past 20 years

This was his pound of flesh.

For the first time I started to understand why hard-core video games players are addicted to their “alternate worlds”

It is the world where you are in control, and everything (mostly) happens to your desires

Most pornographers will tell you after a porn binge session, that they do not feel pleasure.

It is not lust, it’s not sex and it’s not about being horny.

Porn freezes your brain, your heart, and your emotions.

You do not feel that way after a natural release with a partner or when you masturbate without porn.

With Porn your mind is over whelmed that nothing else matters after that.

There is truly no drug like this, and it hides in plain sight.

Phones have made it super easy to access it “on the go

Though, I am old school, I try my hardest not to use my phone for it.

I like my good old laptop

Apparently, people use their iPad or notebooks more than their laptops or phones for porn

And the companies that make these smaller notebooks know that too well,

That is why they made it bigger than phones, but smaller than laptops

So that you would have your own “porn device.”

But after 20 years, its time to break up with this “friend”.

After many attempts over the past year, I have made a huge stride in the right direction.

I have completed a 30-day streak without watching those images.

Feeling great. Feeling better about myself

Feeling proud.

Confidence is better.

It is a High, like your mind is in a different place

Like runners high when they complete their first marathon

The timing, those records don’t matter.

All that pain, all that training, all those hard choices have paid off

In that moment, they are reborn.

They have tasted a version of themselves that they simply did not know existed.

And now that they have become that version, they know they will never go back to their former self

Their former life.

No goal is beyond their reach from today.

Impossible -the word- has been eliminated from their soul.

I Feel like I have accomplished something today.

30 days, was a dream.

It is a slippery slope. Get too happy and your mind will nudge you to go back to the screen to celebrate.

Don’t celebrate at all, and you feel down and sad, and again , your mind nudges you to go to the screen for comfort

It is a battle or a dance, I am still trying to figure that out

Its just about answering the question- Why are you doing this? Why you want to stop?

That is the question that changes everything. Not just with porn, but any substance addiction

No therapist or doctor can make you quit your addictions.

You need to go deep, deep into yourself and ask, what do you hold dearer than this addiction?

What fear or shame or guilt that you are running from?

And why do you think you are uniquely so shameful or guilty or pathetic than others?

The urges, the cravings, will continue to come, for the rest of your life

I cannot stop that. No one can.

What I can stop is stop my actions after I get those triggers. What I do despite those urges and cravings and triggers is my responsibility that I cannot run away from. Any more.

Yes. I fight a battle daily, some days, I win, some days I give in.

But I am awake now, Since I am on the right path.

Ans ultimately, that is all that matters.

I do not know whether I will hit the 100-day, 1000-day, 10000-day streak.

All I know is that tomorrow I will give my best, and then try again the next day, and then the next.

Life does not come with guarantees but living life one day at a time is far less stressful and manageable

I am a (recovering) addict, and I am proud of me.