Sun Goes Down

There are different roles we play in life. How with each person we share a relationship with, only know a variation of our true selves. Proportions. Not the whole but the unfinished puzzle image of missing pieces. Where the incomplete design upon inspection represents the parts we decline revealing. We are willing to give some of this but none of that, to which those around us can have a false sense of knowledge of who we are. While in reality, we remain withholding the missing pieces in treasure boxes with a lock and key in order to feel safe. And it's our right. It's our right to pick and choose. To deny or accept. To limit who gets the privilege of knowing the real us. Heck, if we silence, ignore and run from our own truths, then why should anyone else have the right to know how we sexually identify before we do? 

To be at the intersection of several identities, has had Samuel taking on different roles at home, at school, at church and alone. A myriad of mask that he has to juggle wearing and removing at the perfect time to be protected. He is a man. A Black man. A bisexual Black man. 

In his mind's eye, he stands before two doors. One door is lie, the other door is truth. There are the pros and cons of both choices of either entering Door (1) or (2). However, what is not a choice is his sexuality. He can make the choice of either being honest with himself and walking in his truth or living the next foreseeable years in denial but he can never choose to no longer be bisexual. He never chose this. He would never outwardly choose this. To be alienated and persecuted. No one chooses this because it is a part of who they are. They can deny but they can never rid themselves from being LGBTQ+.

Samuel has spent years comparing and differentiating the ways he'll have to interact with the world and the world with him. The cons of coming out and losing the affection of love ones because of rejection. The pros of joy and relief of no longer hiding who he is and being able to love freely. He is aware of the ways that society views him and others like him. How his sexuality can be seen as a lie in itself. A cover up to some who swear he's actually gay but not yet ready to admit it. He knows that he will be seen as less of a man. Less masculine, more feminine. The shame causing him to suppress his sexuality because of biphobia from others and internalized biphobia from himself. The past thoughts he had as teen, consisting of questions such as "what if I am faking it?" And "what if I wake up tomorrow and have to choose?"

Fear of how falling in love and marrying a man will be seen as him finally coming to terms with being gay. Or if he marries a woman, it will be seen as choosing to live a lie and playing straight or having gone through a phase. As if being Bisexual is not real. 

His identities hold expectation. Hold execution. He needs to be a man. Being anything other than heterosexual is still heavily frowned upon in the Black community. According to hyper-masculinity, he must not go against anything that challenges this image of what it means to be a man. Straight. According to his religious household, people like him are a sin who will not be allowed to enter the gates of heaven. 

Having been brought up to feel as if a major part of his identity is an abomination. Feeling burnt at the stake while he sits in church as a child and young adult, he is repeatedly told by preachers who don't know of his truth, that his sexuality is the ultimate sin to God. And having to watch his family nod along with agreement, holding dear the same belief. That he will not be blessed with love from the Creator nor by those that follow his teachings but cursed instead with condemnation.

He's heard their explanations of how being gay is a ploy by the devil or the toxic belief that it's the result of past sexual abuse. Excuses, reasoning, demonizing, weaponizing. Shame. All Samuel knows is shame. Therefore, he suppress deeper the part of him that he is taught to hate until the day this truth gains enough strength to break free...

Samuel continues to stand in between the two doors in his mind. He stands in an in-between zone. He's been standing in this spot for years. Ever since he came to the realization that he was different than the other boys his age. Liking not only the girls. His young eyes following a guy who peaked his interest. It is between these two doors that he lives most of his life. Trying to appease others while also wanting to be true to himself. Not actually making a choice between the doors. Not being yet ready to settle with the idea of what will happen when he does choose and what it will mean if he decides to walk through one and not the other. Not having the stomach to deal with the consequences of making the wrong decision and ending up in regret.

There was a boy he knew years ago, maybe when he was eight or nine years old. A family friend but with him Samuel shared an experience he never had before with other boys his age. And while they were both still so young, they knew that this moment between them was to be a secret. That even without being told against what they were doing, they had the inkling that kissing each other behind the sofa in an interruption from the game they were playing, was wrong. They had both seen people kiss before. Their parents and people on TV and every single time it had been a kiss shared between a man and a woman or a boy and a girl. Yet, here they were kissing another boy. A kiss of exploration and innocent curiosity, with the giant sofa shielding them from any spectators that could stumble into the living room to check up on what they were up to. Sensing even then that they would be in serious trouble if they were to be caught. As if they were playing a game of hide and seek, only receiving this new found reward when they are hidden away from any eyes that might see. 

Then there was a girl. Samuel meets her when when he's eleven going on twelve. She's the neighbor upstairs who laughs at his jokes and runs around with him playing chase. She becomes his best friend, gifting him his very first pets on his birthday, two fishes. A goldfish and a guppy because he admired the aquarium she had in her room, so in return she gifted him with two to start his own. He remembers fireflies at night and candy, lots of candy when he reminiscences her. He remembers the jellybeans in particular and the feeling of ease because there was no worry of how the kisses they shared would be perceived as wrong by the adults around. There would be only smiles, fond looks and encouraged comments about his "little girlfriend" and how adorable it was too view young puppy love.

His mother would bring up stories about how she and others already knew this would come to be because he was so handsome as a baby. She recalls remarks made by aunties and strangers of how they warned his parents that he would be a charmer, a ladies man, a player. That he would be a problem and have the girls lined up. The default setting in their minds already deciding for him what his sexuality will be. Hetero. A false prophecy. Never even entertaining the possibility of it being something else. Not even giving him the option of figuring it out for himself later on. He was to never differ from what is considered to be the "norm", because doing so is the dreadful nightmare of homophobic parents. 

He knows this already. 

He's aware of the gay cousin jokes and memes. Apparently, there seems to always be a gay cousin in a family. Samuel has two. One of his uncles on his mother's side has three children. The oldest, a daughter. The second, a son. The youngest, another daughter. And the family knows and prays the curse of being gay will be lifted and chased away from their home. As if with enough prayer, both the oldest siblings will become straight...Samuel listens to his families rude remarks and pushes his own truth deeper down. His oldest cousin came out years before as a lesbian. Samuel hears what his parents and other relatives think. Hears them gossip and pity about the shame and disappointment that is placed upon his Uncle. Years later, while Samuel is in high school, he hears the news that the son is gay too. Another shame.

When his Uncle comes to visit, he complains about not understanding why this is happening to his children, as if he is cursed. That he is only holding out hope for the youngest. Samuel speaks in defensive on their behalf. He has been speaking up in favor of same sex love because the silence is suffocating him. He speaks in defensive of the LGBTQ+ community, for those he knows and for those he doesn't because he is also speaking up for himself. Speaking on their behalf while also making it seem as if he is different. He's just a really supportive ally. He has LGBTQ+ friends but he is straight. He's straight...He catches his mother every now and then observe him. Without voicing it out loud she has begun watching him in suspicion and concern. He knows that she knows but is afraid of being right.  

The years go by and little by little Samuel makes the effort in accepting himself. He falls hard for a straight boy named Nick in high school. A crush so intense he would've risked holding hands and kissing in public and even come out to his parents. This crush leads to Samuel reaching a better place with his sexuality. The version of himself that's stood between the two Doors has the tips of his sneakers hitting the still closed Door (2). His hand is on the doorknob. He's finally okay with naming his sexuality instead of describing himself in terms of vagueness. Having only been willing to use words words that are all synonymous with being open. This crush leads to rumors about his sexuality, rumors about him and he's surprised that it's not shame he feels once it does. It's indifference. He's okay with strangers and classmates knowing. There is no guilt like there would be at home. It's a progress.

He goes away for college. Taking the opportunity to leave home with no hesitation. It is there he decides to further come to terms by joining the LGBTQ+ club. Making active work to rid himself of his biphobia. He dates. Allows himself the chance to not shame away or suppress the feelings inside of him. He fights the thoughts asking if he's pretending. He is not pretending. He is still bi when he dates a girl. He is still bi when he dates a guy, he's still bi when he dates someone non-binary and he's still bi when he is single. His partners don't change his sexuality. 

Samuel talks and visits his parents every now and then. It's been a while since they last seen him. His mother calls asking him about his classes, work and if he's seeing a new girl. His father tells him how proud he is and to persevere because graduation is coming soon. His mother then reminds him that he should not solely focus on school and work without enjoying his youth. That he should go out and have fun and meet a new girl because it's been almost a full year since he's broken up with the last girl he brought home. 

He rolls his eyes. He knew this was where his mother was going with the conversation. She goes on to tell him how when he graduates it will be less likely that he'll find a girl well suited for him. That she is getting older and will soon be expecting grandchildren from him.

Hearing this sparks something in him. Something that no longer will remain dormant. Something that urges him to no longer hide.

It's in this moment that Samuel realizes that he has had enough. He's not currently dating a girl. He's dating a guy. A guy who he really likes. And he's tired of living a half life. He is tired and done with denying himself of all he is. He's worked too hard on himself to still be standing in between Doors (1) or (2). He no longer is afraid. No longer is sick to the stomach with nausea at the thought of choosing his truth. He makes the decision then to open and walk through Door (2). Telling his mother that he will be coming over that following weekend to see them. Alone. 

Samuel makes them take a seat a the dinner table and tells them. It's funny that this realization came to light in a living room some time ago and here he is back in that light in his home living room. 

While shaking from anxiety and with tears in his eyes but with conviction in his voice. He tells them he's bisexual.

This is the moment. He deserves to say this, to live in the light. He is not a sin. He is loved by his Creator. No abuse or curse has brought this on. This is not something that's emerged out of the blue or picked up by influence at school. This is him and it's always been him. He is no longer hiding the rest of the pieces of the puzzle that shows his full image. He is whole, unapologetically.

He mother cries. shaking her head, mumbling out to God as if asking for forgiveness for his soul. His father's eyes are cold with anger but he says nothing. Samuel wants acceptance from them but if he is to lose them, then so be it.

He is more than his sexuality. He is smart, hardworking, ambitious, kind, emphatic and funny. He is a good son, a good student and a good person. 

Their love for him should not be conditional.

Once he's done saying his piece, he leaves. 

For weeks there is radio silence between them. Both parties not making the effort to call. It hurts and it's difficult but Samuel finds support and strength from his boyfriend and chosen family. 

Then suddenly, on one random Tuesday afternoon, his mother calls him. Wanting to hear his voice. She tells him that she misses him and that she wants him to stop by. That it will be just them. His father not yet ready to see him. 

He is their only child. 

So Samuel goes and its awkward at first. Her brown eyes full of sadness and apprehension as she looks him over. She hugs him and when they sit together for lunch, she bites her tongue to not guilt trip him or ask him to choose women. Still, she tells him that she prays for him and while he knows that she prays for his damned soul, he lets it slide. She is trying and he is willing to meet her half way. There's a long road ahead of them but this is progress. 

Here he is on the other side of Door (2) without regret.