Delores rages against the world

****WARNING: HATE and RANTING and MILITARY mention! CAUTION!

The house that once smelled like sunshine, giggles, daisies, and happiness is no longer here. The scent of cardboard from jigsaw puzzles, plastic from Barbie doll shoes and American Girl doll hangers, and kool aide is missing. All of the scattered tiny clothes, mismatched socks, and slipper jammies are gone. What you find instead, of a home, is a hospital.

You are greeted with the scent of bleach and rubbing alcohol that never quite ever covers up the smell of urine and poop. You smell iodine and band aides and the aide’s perfume. You smell soap and disinfectant. You smell that caramel plug in that you tried to use to cover up the smell of the hospital smell and the lemon fresh garbage can liners. It’s all combined to make a horrible combination of one giant awful hospital smell.  

“Happy Anniversary, darling,” Delores said to her husband. “Add another car to our roller coaster!”

Delores and Fred always chuckled that their marriage was like a roller coaster ride. They had their share of highs and lows and dips and curves over their almost thirty years together. Three children, various pets, three apartments, car payments and a mortgage. They had managed to stay together through it all. Somehow, the couple had stayed on the roller coaster together. Marriage was hard work to keep it together through the ups and downs, twists and turns, and dark tunnels. 

Fred stared at his bride’s face as the candle light flickered. He could barely see the scars left on her face from the car accident that had long ago totaled the car and Delores’ face. This had completely derailed her career for a year while she had surgeries, physical therapy, and doctor appointments. She worked hard to come back from this setback. She was determined to put the nightmare behind and had used that time to volunteer at a local private school as an instructor. It was all part of the roller coaster of life and they took it as part of their journey together. 

There were highs too: births of all three children. All were perfectly healthy natural child births. The hospital allowed them to leave with these tiny bundles of joy each time; even though they felt under prepared each and every time. Only to discover that their hearts continued to grow bigger with each new family member.

Raising children takes a village is what they had always heard. It was indeed true once they started their own family. Delores and Fred didn’t have family in the area, having moved to a new town once they found jobs. So they needed to rely on the kindness of strangers to help them with babysitting and carpooling. At one point the children were spread out between three different schools: one in elementary school, one in middle school and one in high school. Trying to juggle the three calendars was a delicate balance between sanity and “are there really only seven days in a week?!?!” 

Delores has always been reliable. She has raised the children and taken care of the house. She takes the cars in to have the oil changed in and the tires rotated right on schedule. She walks the dog and makes sure everyone gets to their doctor and dentist appointments for well visits and sick visits. Delores is known in the neighborhood as the cookie baker. If you are craving some chocolate chip cookies, you can always stop by to find some fresh baked cookies. She mows the lawn on Saturdays and takes the garbage and recycling out on Mondays. Delores is dependable and hardworking. Fred knows he married the right woman for the job, even if he can’t admit it. She is his rock. 

Delores felt the warmth of Fred’s hand in her always cold hand. “You always told me that I had cold hands but hot buns,” Delores teased. “Is it still true, even after all these years? Wait, I don’t even want an answer to that question.”

They fell into the peaceful silence that couples have. The clock ticked the seconds and minutes away. The dryer hummed through another cycle of clean socks and underwear. The air mattress wheezed as it deflated and reinflated. The hoyer lift blinked its quiet eye above her head to remind her that she needed to slide it over to the recharge station when she stood back up. Her work wasn't quite finished yet for the day.

Her eyes flicked to the flag in the mantelpiece. Folded neatly into a triangle. The plaque read, “Warrior Citizen.” But she always read it as “worrier citizen” before remembering that there were no medals given to the spouses of the military. 

Delores had married an Army man. He was in the Reserves, which meant that he wasn’t exactly full time, but he may as well have been. The Army demanded at least one weekend a month, plus schools and summer camps, and then there were the deployments too. 

Delores almost didn’t date Fred when she discovered he was in the Army, but it was too late. She had already met him and had fallen in love with him a little bit by the time she found out he was in the Reserves. She was hooked and there was no turning back. If only she knew then what she knew now.

Being a proud American and wanting to do his part, Fred did all he could do to be as active as he could be in the Army Reserves. He also worked full time; as did Delores. So, needless to say, all of the raising of the children and taking care of the home, housework, yard work, and family tasks were taken care of by Delores. It was out of the ordinary that Fred would be home so the children would not know how to behave when he was there. It would be as if a favorite uncle was visiting and it was all fun and games for the evening when he was there rather than their dad. 

It was after the third deployment - and before the fourth deployment, that Fred didn’t come home. Delores welcomed home a man who looked like Fred. But he didn’t act like Fred. This man was sullen and angry. This man drank often and a lot. He wouldn’t leave the house. He wouldn’t talk to anyone. He woud ignore Delores and shout out in anger at his children. 

With Divine Intervention, there wasn’t a fourth deployment. 

Fred stayed home. But things progressively got darker and darker for everyone. It got to the point where the children hid in their bedrooms until Delores got home from work if she was not already home to protect the children from his rants. He was never physically abusive with them, but his words hurt so much more. Those wounds never heal. Those phrases can bounce around in a brain forever: you are never going to be anybody. You are not good enough. You are not smart enough. You are not enough. You can’t do this. 

And, worse, Delores was never able to speak up to defend her children. She was afraid of him also. He would tell her that she hadn’t done a good enough job raising them. Other people’s children were so much better than theirs and what was the matter with theirs. He would question everything she did and why she did it. 

He started to question where she was and why it was taking so long for her to get home from places. He was actually timing her and if she took an extra minute or two to get home, he would become angry and confrontational that she must have been cheating on him. Her job was only seven minutes away, so why did it take her ten minutes to get home? 

Or, why did it take her an hour to grocery shop? It should have only taken her thirty minutes. She finally turned her phone locator on for him so he could find her wherever she was whenever he needed to find her. She had no secrets. She had no reason to keep secrets. 

Delores was becoming a nervous wreck trying to hold herself together and protect her children and herself. She also had no idea where her husband was. What happened to the man she loved? He obviously was suffering. He needed help. 

Her father in law suggested to Delores one day to please call the VA to get help for his son. This was after Fred refused to go to Thanksgiving dinner with the family. His entire family now knew how dire the situation was becoming. Fred needed help. This was bigger than anything Delores could solve, she needed to bring in some experts. 

So she called the VA. 

The VA didn’t help. They did try to help. They tried to get in contact with Fred, but he wouldn’t return their phone calls. Delores wished they would be more proactive in the intervention. 

Her father in law agreed. He is retired military himself. He was distraught and wanted more help for his son. Delores and the children muddle on through the holidays. These are dark days. Again, Fred refuses to spend the holidays with family. He’d rather stay at home and drink. Delores packed the children up and headed out of town to spend Christmas with family.

On Christmas Eve she tracked him on his phone, she knew he was at home, but he didn't answer. He is supposed to read 'Twas the Night Before Christmas  to the children. It’s a tradition. She tried several times until finally he texts that he isn’t home, so stop texting. He claimed he was out at a party. He said he will just read the book to the children the next day. Delores couldn’t understand why he would say he was out at a party when the iphone locator told her that he was at home. Fred didn’t know he was sharing his location with her, or he just forgot. Or he doesn’t care. 

January rolled around and everyone was getting back into the routine of work and school. It was a new year and a New Year. Time for resolutions: Delores and Fred were determined to get their roller coaster back on track and throw their hands in the air and try to make things better between the two of them and for all of them. 

It only took one snowstorm to blindside them. 

Fred was outside shoveling the driveway when he slipped. He fell. 

That third deployment? When Fred came back from Iraq? He came back with a debilitating condition. 

That fourth deployment that he couldn’t go on? The Divine Intervention? Many people may think it was because Delores asked friends and family to pray he wasn't deployed ever again.

It wasn't that kind of Divine Intervention, but heaven knows that Delores was praying. He couldn’t be deployed because he wasn’t able to continue taking the medications needed if he was to be sent overseas.

He was a walking time bomb from becoming paralyzed. He stopped playing with the children. He stopped riding bikes with the children. He stopped swimming with the children; we took the pool down for fear they would jump on him accidentally. He wouldn’t play catch or kick a ball. He wouldn’t dance or climb a tree. He wouldn’t give a horseback ride. He sat in his chair so he wouldn’t become paralyzed. 

And Fred was outside shoveling snow on the driveway, when he slipped. He fell. And just like that. He is a quadriplegic. 

Delores looks down at Fred’s hand on the bed as she holds his hand in her own. “I do miss when you were able to hold my hand instead of the other way around.”  

Delores wants to rage at the world. She wants to run screaming into the night and never stop. Her Fred gave so much. They both gave so much and sacrificed so much. They had plans for when they were old and could retire. He was going to take her to the places he had gone when he had traveled with the Army. They were going to go to even more places than that. 

They had big plans. They gave up so much for so long. Fred was so committed to the Army for so long and gave them all his time rather than giving his time to his family and now look at him. It’s all wasted. He invested his time and effort in the wrong place. 

He should have been with her. He should have been with their children. He should have been playing with them, running with them, biking and hiking and kayaking. 

He should have been with them. He shouldn’t have been away for the Army. 

Delores hates the Army. She can’t help herself. She has lost. 

She was waiting to spend time with her husband while life passed by in a whirl of dance practices and recitals. Swim practices and swim meets. Volleyball practices and tournaments. Broken arms and emergency room visits. Sleepovers and birthday parties and slumber parties. She filled all the years and scrapbooks with the memories to tell him about. Movie nights, snuggles, and ice cream sundae dinner nights.

He missed it all. He lost too.

She lost the life she was waiting for her whole life. He lost the life that he could have had.

Fred clears his throat, “I was going to order you flowers, but didn’t know if you wanted them. So I thought I would wait until Spring and get you seeds to plant in the garden. Is this okay?”

Delores smiles sadly, “Of course dear, I can wait.”