The Christmas Date

Josh McGweer didn’t date much. Actually, he didn’t date at all. He went on a double date once, with his kid sister, Katie, who was only sixteen at the time. Josh was nineteen then. Their parents wouldn’t let Katie date alone, so she convinced a friend to be Josh’s date. It was a disaster. Josh was clumsy, socially awkward, and not very bright. If that wasn’t bad enough, he dressed like an early seventies glam-rock star. He thought that was really cool and would somehow make up for his other babe-deflecting features. Like I said, he wasn’t very bright.

On this evening, twenty years later, Josh finally had a real date lined up. He had met Lucinda Plimpton in an online chat room. Lucinda was pretty awkward herself. Neither of them was overly unattractive; just plain, slightly under-average in looks – depending on who you ask, of course.

They arranged to meet on Christmas Eve for their first date, seeing this as the perfect excuse to avoid the dreaded family get-togethers, where their siblings boasted incessantly about their gifted, beautiful children, their financial successes, and their exotic vacations – none of which Josh or Lucinda could relate to. They didn’t even have any friends, other than a few co-workers, whom they considered acquaintances more than friends. Josh went bowling with a handful of co-workers once and regretted it. On the third frame of his first game, he tripped on his approach and fell on top of the ball, spraining two of his fingers, besides having the wind knocked out of him. He ended up sitting there, miserable, watching everyone else get drunk and have fun for the next two hours, with his fingers in a cup of ice.

Lucinda suggested the local zoo, which was open at night and decorated with lights for the holiday season. They were both animal lovers. Josh thought it a brilliant idea and they were both giddy with anticipation; and very nervous! Each wrestled with what to wear, not wanting to appear too formal, but wanting to make a positive first impression. Josh went back and forth about fifty times over the decision of whether or not to bring flowers, or just one flower, and what color and what kind, and if he should bring them (or it) in a vase and would it make her feel weird, or himself, and maybe he should just cancel altogether and, “I wonder if everyone feels like a dishrag being wrung out before a date or am I even more inept and stupid than I think I am?”

At length, he talked himself into going through with it, although he felt like he had swallowed a pint of wet cement. They met at the zoo’s south entrance and nervously shook hands after introducing themselves. Josh actually had the foresight to skip the flowers, because he didn’t want to carry them around all night, nor burden Lucinda with the task. The zoo was free, but there was a donation box just inside the gate. Josh didn’t have much money but as he didn’t want to look like an uncaring cheapskate, he fished a couple of ones out of his front pocket, being careful not to let Lucinda identify the amount.

After making it about halfway through the twelve acres, most of the initial nervousness melted into mild confidence and they were feeling pretty comfortable; and maybe this dating thing isn’t so bad after all.

They found a nice outdoor restaurant with tiki torches for romantic lighting. After about an hour of sharing horror stories from their childhood over coconut shrimp and bananas Foster, they resumed their trek through the zoo, admiring the brightly colored lights in the shape of animals and popular Christmas figures.

As they stood before the big cat enclosure, straining to catch a glimpse of the famed white tiger, a shrill scream resounded in the darkness. For a moment, Josh and Lucinda froze in shock; the screaming continued and Josh collected himself enough to note that the screaming seemed to be coming from the back of the big cat enclosure. Completely forgetting that he was a skinny, diminutive, spineless dweeb, Josh ran down the sidewalk adjacent to the right side of the enclosure, then took a sharp left up a bush-covered embankment to the staff entrance at the back of the enclosure. He noticed light coming through the door at the back of the enclosure that was left cracked open, where the screams for help were louder now. Pushing the door open, he stepped into a well-lighted room with a cement floor where the zookeepers prepared the buckets of raw meat for daily feeding. Lying on her back in a pool of blood, the keeper was fighting with the white tiger, straddling her body, with her forearm (barely attached at this point) in its mouth. Josh jumped toward the beast, letting out a noise that sounded like Tarzan with his hand caught in a garbage disposal. The tiger released its victim and reared up on its hind legs, taking a swipe at Josh…and connecting. Josh’s head snapped sideways as blood sprayed from a gash on his cheek. Unfazed, Josh managed to dodge the tiger’s next move and jumped on the tiger’s back and, reaching around its head, jammed his hands into the corners of the tiger’s mouth and pulled back. (He had read about this maneuver in a magazine article only a few weeks prior). True to the encounter he had read about – but doubted at the time – the tiger quit fighting and simply laid down. Lucinda stepped into the enclosure about this time, sobbing and shaking in fear. Josh got up and just stood there with a glazed look on his face, slowly forming a grin. Lucinda ran to him and they embraced, the blood from Josh’s cheek soaking the shoulder of her blue pastel dress.

The zookeeper had lost consciousness. In short order, two other zookeepers arrived, one with a tranquilizer gun, the other with a first aid kit. The latter tended to the unconscious keeper, while the former wasted no time in pulling the trigger of the gun trained on the tiger’s neck – although by this time the beast was simply lying there licking his paws, as if he had merely caught and snacked on a field mouse.

Josh and Lucinda returned to the zoo every Christmas eve from then on, eventually with a growing throng of children, and then grandchildren. And Josh never tired of stopping in front of the big cat enclosure and telling the tale of how he became a man.