This Is What's Best

Dalia paced in front of her living room couch. A small clock ticking on the mantle above the fake fireplace provided the only sound in the cramped apartment. Claudia, her newborn daughter, slept soundly in the other room. 

Dalia was thinking hard, pondering a very tough decision. As her feet crossed the beige carpet for the 23rd time that night, Dalia knew she had to make a choice soon. Time was running out, she only had until midnight. 

Gradually, the silence around her became unbearable and Dalia grabbed the remote on the end table. Sitting back on the gray couch, Dalia turned on the old television. The loud sound of late night comedy reruns abruptly filled the apartment. Dalia panicked and turned down the volume quickly. The dialogue of the program became ambient.

The white bedroom door a few feet from the television was closed, but Dalia stared at it with concern. Is she deaf too? Dalia wondered. Claudia was almost three days old, but something was clearly wrong with her.

Two days, 23 hours, and 36 minutes ago, Dalia gave birth three weeks early. She had been at work when the contractions started but Dalia didn't go home right away. Only after the bleeding began did Ramona, her co-worker, drive her home. 

“Are you sure you don’t want me to take you to the hospital?” Ramona had asked. Dalia refused, continuing to tell herself that she was okay, that the baby wasn’t coming yet, that she still had time to prepare. Unfortunately, Dalia had been wrong, and by the time she realized that the baby’s birth was imminent, it was too late to leave the apartment. She had given birth alone in her bathtub at midnight. Blood still stained the white acrylic surrounding the drain.

Dalia shook herself back into reality. She glanced at the clock and sighed in relief. She still had twenty minutes to decide. No, less than that. Dalia had ten minutes to decide. It would take time to arrive.

Ryan, she thought suddenly, I should call Ryan. Dalia stood up too quickly, and doubled over in pain. She took a deep breath and stood up straight. Her smartphone was on the table by the bedroom door. With her left hand Dalia grabbed the phone and with a shaking right hand, pushed open the bedroom door. 

On the bed, Claudia, poorly wrapped in a soft yellow blanket, lay in a nest of even more blankets. Dalia slowly crept into the room and approached her daughter. The infant’s eyes were closed. She could have been dead, but Dalia held her pointer finger in front of her nose to feel her breath. 

Thank God, Dalia thought as the warm air hit her finger. She exited the dark bedroom and sank again into the sofa. Dalia’s phone buzzed. She glanced at the weather notification warning her of rain as she unlocked her phone. When she opened her contacts, Ryan’s was already up on the screen. Dalia pressed the call button and held up the phone to her ear. For a minute, the droning ring sounded in her ears. After it stopped, the voicemail message started. Annoyed, Dalia hung up. I should have known, Dalia thought. Ryan had left her four months into her pregnancy. Even though it was almost midnight, Dalia knew that Ryan would be awake, he would be working on his music and writing songs. 

Dalia opened her text messages to Ryan. The previous message was four months old. Dalia typed, I had the baby three days ago. Send. I’m thinking of giving her up. Send. Something is wrong with her. Send. Dalia waited impatiently for a long minute before she added finally, If you’re not going to be here for me and Claudia then I WILL give her up. You left me to do this by myself and I just can’t. You’re a jerk. Send. Dalia shut off her phone and stared at the commercials on the television. 

The clock continued to tick on the mantle. It was now 11:43 p.m. and Dalia had just a few more minutes to make a decision. She stood up and began to pace again. Think of the future, Dalia told herself. You cannot afford to take care of a child, especially if she has medical issues. Dalia shifted on the couch. But what if nothing is wrong? she asked herself. What if everything turns out okay? As Dalia second guessed herself she was back where she started an hour ago. 

She began to think back to Claudia’s first moments. Claudia’s birth had been far from easy. There was more blood than Dalia had expected, the labor had taken almost nine hours in her bathtub, and Claudia was silent when she was finally born. Dalia thought the baby would die, but when she didn’t, Dalia grew concerned for her health. 

Tears welled up in Dalia’s eyes as she realized her best choice. She had to get rid of her daughter. Claudia needed to live with someone who was capable of raising her with whatever problems might arise. Dalia was young, she didn’t have the time or money to raise a child.

Dalia stood up. She took a deep breath and slowly walked to the bedroom, guiding herself with tear-filled eyes. Dalia picked up Claudia, who was still sleeping, and hugged her close to her chest. Her pink skin was warm and soft. Solemnly, Dalia left the cramped apartment. She walked slowly down the narrow staircase to the front door and onto the sidewalk. Just down the block, Dalia waited in the dark for the city bus. This is what’s best, she told herself again. You don’t even have a car.

Five minutes later, the bus pulled alongside the road. Dalia climbed aboard and avoided eye contact with the few other passengers. As midnight approached, the bus neared the fire station. When it pulled to the curb and stopped right outside, Dalia took the final steps. She walked up to the door, knocked, explained her business, and handed her child over to a fireman. She filled out a small amount of paperwork as she uncomfortably stood in the station. She handed the papers to the fireman, Dalia said a final goodbye to Claudia, and left through the front door.

Dalia calmly walked away, knowing she was ensuring a better life for herself and her baby.