My Next Chapter

A light breeze kissed my skin bringing me back to the real world. The rustle of trees nearby light music to my ears while the tweeting of birds completes the chorus of nature around me. 

I slowly lift my eyelids to take in the view of my sun-covered backyard from where I lay on my hammock under one of the trees. 

I wasn’t quite ready to come back to reality but Mother Nature was ready for me to wake up. I go out to my hammock to calm my mind when I need it most. Today has been a rough day for me mentally and it’s barely 11 am. 

The hammock was calling to me earlier than usual and I made my way outside in an almost trance. If I’m honest I don’t even remember getting up out of my office chair and making my way out here. But obviously, I did. 

This morning started as any other morning. My alarm went off, and I pressed snooze a few times until I could no longer put off getting out of bed. I got my lazy self up and did my morning business. 

My dog, getting frustrated by my slow routine started whining on the couch. Trying to speed up my process so I’ll come out and feed her, even though she still doesn’t eat for another 30 minutes. She’s a dog, she doesn’t understand time. She just knows the routine. My alarm followed by me going into the bathroom is the start of her getting food soon. And she was becoming impatient. 

I made my way out to the living room to sit on the couch with my dog, every morning I try to get in at least 30 minutes of some nonfiction reading. Reading is my getaway… fantasy, romance, young adult. I love to get pulled into a fantasy world a world different from my own, because my own world is filled with stress and anxiety. 

But I’m also working on my mental health. So I like to get in some non-fiction reading in the morning that helps me better understand my anxiety and find ways to accept and understand each and every one of my emotions.

My 30 minutes of reading were up and it was finally time to feed my dog. I filled her bowl as she sat at my feet anxiously waiting for me to put her food bowl back on the ground for her. While she ate I started to get ready for my work day. I got out the frozen fruits, orange juice, spinach leaves, and protein powder for my morning smoothie. 

I filled the coffee machine to start a pot of decaf coffee. With my anxiety recently caffeine has caused more issues so I’ve had to switch to decaf. I couldn’t go through my day without the smell of coffee in the morning. I had to start drinking decaf. 

My smoothie was made, my coffee was ready, and my dog was done eating. She was ready to go out. We both made our way outside. She does her morning business and I sit on my patio chair with my coffee and watch her do her thing. Only a few minutes until I had to log into my computer for my work day. 

I made my way to my home office to log in for work. The anxiety already starting to sit in my chest. I took a few deep breaths and then sat in my office chair to start my work day. The part of my day I wish I could escape most. But I need money to live. 

The morning was starting as usual. I answered a couple emails and got a phone call, nothing awful, but at the same time still stressful. The daily work grind of working for someone else. The past year has been stressful because we had layoffs a little over a year ago and the company wasn’t going in the right direction, the feeling of the possibility of more layoffs was in the air. 

I got a message on Teams from the cofounder of the company inviting me to a Zoom meeting in 10 minutes. Any message from a boss is stressful. I got a stomachache immediately, this didn’t feel like a talk about my work. Though I thought maybe that was just my anxiety talking. I got up from my desk to use the restroom before getting myself mentally prepared for the Zoom call. 

I know now, nothing could have prepared me for the call. 

I joined the Zoom meeting and saw others that I worked with in the meeting, including my husband. I knew immediately what was about to happen but those first words are all I heard before my mind shut off…

“We’ve had some really hard meetings recently, but this by far is the hardest for me…”

Don’t ask me what was said next, I don’t remember. I don’t remember anything that happened between those words, spoken by the co-founder of the company I have given so much to after over 7 years of working there, and now, Sitting here on my hammock not ready to come back into the real world. 

Because in the real world, I no longer have a job. In the real world, my husband no longer has a job. In the real world, I feel I am not worth anything. In the real world, I no longer feel valuable. 

I try closing my eyes again, begging anything to take me away. Another breeze blows across my face as a single tear drips down my cheek. Mother Nature won’t let me disappear, she wants me present in this moment. As much as I want to fade away I trust in Mother Nature. 

I sit up in the hammock a few more tears touching my cheeks. I’m scared for what my future will bring to me financially. But in this moment, when I feel that I should be more stressed and more anxious than I’ve ever been... I feel nothing. 

There is no chest pain, there is no headache, there is no deep aching in my stomach. I stand up a little confused. Where is my anxiety hiding if not in my chest, head, or stomach? I take another deep breath.

I feel lighter than I’ve felt in years like an invisible weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Another breeze softly touches my skin. I smile. 

Yes, I’m scared. Yes, I’m nervous. No, I have no idea what my future looks like for me or my husband. However, at this moment I feel something I haven’t been able to feel in a very long time. I feel freedom in the sound of the birds around me, I feel independence in the rustle of the trees, and I feel opportunity in the touch of the breeze on my skin. I feel Mother Nature in a way I haven’t felt her in a long time. 

She’s telling me it’s time for my next chapter in life. If only she could tell me what that next chapter looks like.