Dear Self

I've hurt many people I care about this past year. Many of which I've also reconciled with since then. Not so hard to believe is it? For when one is truly, honestly sorry, anyone forgives them. The funny part is they long for it, for closure, for ending the conflict. And the easy, painless way is to wait for the other side to ask for forgiveness and you, mercifully, to give it. Become the bigger person and pat yourself on the back for letting it go. What you're actually doing is allowing yourself to get away with it without any consequences. Clearly, no one acts exemplary during an argument. So why is it that only one apologizes? Very simple. We are so desperate to be forgiven and take the weight of guilt off our chest that we forget we are also entitled to an apology.

That brings us back to the beginning. Most people want to assume the best and so they forget, forgive, they pretend it never happened. But how can you honestly learn anything if you hide from resolving your issues. I know for sure that didn't work well for me. No conversation will ever teach more than what you interpret it to mean and with the heat of the moment filter, what you will get is more emotions.

The only truthful discussion you need to have is with yourself, to really take the time and understand where your feelings came from and why they sparked this reaction. But most importantly, to see things for what they are, you have to forgive yourself and make a change for the better. I also hurt myself and I deserve an apology. So here goes...

Dear Self,

I'm sorry my actions caused you pain and my choices unhappiness. I allowed myself to be influenced by anyone with a strong opinion and buried mine deep until I almost forgot I had a voice myself. I guided my life around principles I didn't believe in and that only left me feeling empty. Worst of all, it took me way too long to realize.

I'm sorry I looked for approval only from outside and chased it endlessly with an insatiable hunger for being everything for everyone. The verdict: you can’t. I changed my preferences solely because they didn't suit the company I kept. I forgot it’s fine to be different and not be liked all the time. Then I forgot it’s fine for them to be different and do things I don’t approve of. Who am I really to control everyone? What if I don’t like smoking and someone else does? Why do I take it as a personal attack when a friend enjoys something I don’t? Why can’t I be happy for someone when they have fun without me? Why do I spiral instead of solving my flaws…

I’m sorry I’m scared of the unknown and I stay in familiar territory instead of living free and new. I’m so paralyzed by the idea of change that I hide in nostalgia pretending I’m just melancholic or worse, romantic. When in reality the best description is weak. You need strength to let go of the past and embrace foreign possibilities, strength which I evidently do not possess. Yet.

I'm sorry I let my mother's tantrums control how I live my life and I stood silent in one too many screaming matches, basically being a free punching bag. I let her fears spark ones in me, her anxiety build mine and I mirror behaviors I so firmly despise, without noticing. I act like love means everything goes your way, I criticize and correct things that are not done how I want them. Like a spoiled child. However, I break at the smallest complaint, thinking I should be loved as I am, just like she says. But then why is she also trying to change me?

I'm sorry I let my boyfriend's insecurities dictate what I do, wear and what kind of friend I am. That I let him lecture me for hours on end for being myself and having a life. I'm sorry I don't have one anymore. I’m jealous of him for living the way I wanted but too stuck in my head to go out and do it myself. Yet I judge him for it and maybe I hate him a little as well because he got the help he needed and he had me to support him for so long and now I don’t feel like I have him. He got over it. At the same time, he never felt like I was helping either so maybe it’s also my insecurities speaking and him living a normal life is actually going to help me get over it too. One day. I’m sorry I believed I needed people to help me be better when I should get up and get better alone. So I will.

I'm sorry that I didn't listen to my gut feeling telling me it's wrong to cry myself to sleep so much and to hide things in order to keep the peace in a relationship destined to burn. I’m sorry I didn’t let it burn and get on with my life. I’m sorry I clung to it because the past always looks better to me and I might be even more sorry in the future when things go south but I hope next time I write a letter, I’ll be thanking myself that I had faith.

I'm sorry I shut everyone out and now I'm lonely and bitter, blaming anything and anyone I can for the lack of connection I feel. I find flaws where I should see personality traits and quirks. I am disappointed and unsatisfied because deep down I know being myself isn't the best. I want to be picky and make good choices but I can't seem to like something without hating the opposite. And it's eating me from the inside.

I'm sorry I never invest enough time in the things I'm remotely good at and I never get better, running from success just as much as I run from failure.

I’m sorry for having these disarming thoughts of pain when all else is well, reminding myself of anger I shouldn’t feel anymore but am unable to shake. That I’m such a coward I still get a sinking feeling in my chest every time I tell someone I have plans. That it feels like asking for permission and genuinely allowing them to say no. I’m sorry I don’t fight for myself when they do say no, using the power I gave them. I’m sorry I created a pattern and people now expect me to take their opinion as a rule which makes it harder to do the opposite.

I’m sorry that I constantly try to avoid conflict because it’s easier than starting a fight and fixing the problem. I protect people from my real thoughts by lying to them which sometimes gets me in huge messes. It’s all the little choices I made, giving up on small fights, doing things I was told that I didn’t believe in that led me here now, with people who expect things I no longer want to give.

But mostly, I'm sorry that I didn't quit these bad habits and I'm still stuck in the same loops and the same mistakes pulling me away from being happy. I’m sorry that some of these things may never get better and acknowledging them is not enough. Being self-critical leads nowhere without actual improvement. However, I promise that, if you’ll forgive me, I’ll try and I won’t give up on us.

Yours truly,

Me