The Last Farewell

The Last Farewell

By LaShawn Baker

Jan sat outside the church, she had watched from her car as everyone dressed in black pretending to mourn, playing their roles. She listened outside the door  as everyone made their resolutions to her father and loved on her mother. She listened and watched them through the slightly open door of their family church. . 

She couldn’t but roll her eyes watching the show/funeral playout. Her mother, whom she loved but never bonded with. Her siblings, crying and playing the roles they were handed. 

Sue, the older sister always doing the right thing, so it would appear to the outside world. Truth was she was a bully, a snitch often telling on the other three children to cover up her own shit. 

Then there was Bailey, oh Ms. Bailey the second oldest-middle child, the peacemaker, and many times shadowed by Jan and Sean he was the youngest.

Of course Sean was Momma’s favorite, he could rob, steal, and burn down our small town and they would forgive him. Bailey was really my favorite as a child but that only lasted until our teenage years after I came out to her. I did not expect her to tell everyone but what did I know? 

I wasn’t like them and they made sure to tell me daily how much I wasn’t. Dad (Milton) as I call him would take to praying over me. Like GOD could change me. Mom now Mary would ignore me saying “your child” to Milton and get your sister or whomever she was closest too. She did best to avoid me and to keep me a secret.

Now at the end of Milton's life I am standing outside the door forced to say my farewell from a distance even though I felt betrayed and hurt that my presence was not wanted inside the church. I guess they feared I was going to cause all of heaven to strike the building if I was allowed inside. 

As the casket closed and everyone started to file out of the church I turned my face to the wall. Shielding my presence from them on the front row as much as I could without becoming the center focus of anyone's attention. Of course as the people departed I overheard some of them whispering, “Isn’t that Jan the lesbin?” I mean his daughter, one lady said, as she looked over me as she walked by me.

Mary, Sean, Bailey, and Sue filed out, Mary leaning on Sean with Sue faking her tears and Bailey following up the rear as they walked out of the church. Again I rolled my eyes as I  noticed Sue’s tears  tuned up, and became more vocal as she got closer to the door. Talk about the tune-up. 

I laughed behind my hand as Sean rolled his eyes at Sue. Bailey did as she always did, looking shy and at the floor to avoid anyone's eyes. I continued to hide behind the open door as much as I could without alerting my family to my presence.

Still I waited….I continued to look at the wall until they passed. Even though my presence may have been noticed by a few of the people in attendance. My family did not notice me.  However, my luck ran out when my Aunt Emily touched me on the shoulder. “Child, come on, it's ok to say your respects.” Meeting her eyes I saw her every present love. I truly loved her kindness for it had always been genuine and honest.  

As far back as I could remember, my Aunt Emily was at least ten years older than my father putting her closer to eighty I think. She always gave me something I never expected or received from my father or mother, “Love”.

Her soft old hand took mine and I turned to let her see my tears... Auntie Em, I sobbed, you and I both know that if Mary sees me there will be a scene. She swore my sexual orientation killed him, and broke his heart. Either way she would not want me here. Shaking her head piled with silvery/blue hair. She placed a kiss on my tear stained cheek and a pat on my head like I was still five years old trying to sneak a cookie from the jar. I knew once I departed for the last time she would be the one person I missed the most. But until then I would find my peace in her loving touch. 

As I watched the funeral staff remove my fathers casket from the church as the cars took their position behind the hurst. I found my place at the end of the line of cars. Slowly I made my way to the cemetery lights off. 

The graveside service was more of the same. I stood at a great distance shielding my body behind the tall monument with rest in peace… I forget the name. At some point a single tear escaped my eyes, followed by more. I realized my tear was not from grief but from the pain of being alone.

Bailey, as if sensing my presence, looked across the cemetery offered me a teary smile and nodded to my direction but quickly shook her head no, indicating I should not approach, as if I would. I didn’t smile, I just nodded my response and pulled my hoodie over my purple and green hair and stepped behind another tombstone that read, beloved husband, father, brother and son, “Thomas Williams” Sunraise 1918 sunset 1999. Damn Tommy I whispered to the words Rest in peace ole-man I hope you were everything my father was not. 

I once again watched the  academy award for their performances of my mother and older sister. Their wailing was over the top even Sean laughed behind his hand giving them an applause behind their backs, Bailey let her wide brim hat fall over her eyes her shoulder where heaving as if she was crying, when she was actually laughing. I couldn’t help but smile at the comedy displayed by them. 

I hung back with old Mr. Williams, until they returned to the family cars. Once the family and on-lookers faded out. I approached the pile of dirt. Hey Milton, it's me Jan, I wasn’t sure you would recognize me with my new hair. 

I wanted to let you know, I am OK and I forgive you for how you treated me. Yes the beatings and prayers left a mark on my heart but I am stronger, I saw Mary and Sue  playing the loving wife and grieving daughter over you. I hope you had a front row seat at the play. 

      “Anyway I got your letter and yes I was surprised to say the least. Shit I was shocked that you even knew where I was living. I know you expected me to disobey you but  I did as you asked and stayed in the background. I did not say anything at your funeral, and I did not approach your family. It's funny saying your family like it's not mine too. But I guess I stopped being a part of y’all on my 17th birthday. Milton I want you to know that I will honor your wishes. I will depart from this town and stay away from your family. But I just wanted you to know if “ You” had not requested my presence at your burial I would not be here now. 

Milton, as your daughter I hope you rest in peace and I wish you would have taken the time to know the person I became.”

Jan turned from the pile of dirt and flowers saying her last farewell, she walked back to the black car waiting on her. Jan rested her eyes and let her tears flow. From the front seat her driver handed her a plain white envelope. Inside she found a handwritten note from Milton. 

Looking at the driver, who gave this to you? 

Your fathers lawyer. He was instructed to give it to you after you paid your respects. 

  Jan, I know I was cruel to you and at the end of my life I can only wish that I  had handled things differently. I mouthed the words “The plans of mice and men never come to no good end.”  My tears came again with ease, as she continued to read on. I know my last words to you were for you never to come home. I ask you to find it in your heart to forgive me. I was a prideful old man who let fear control my heart.

 However, I wanted you to know that I have watched you from a fair and I am proud of the person you became.I know you question my reasoning for why  I did not want you to be a part of the family service because they are as they always have been and would not appreciate you. Please know I love you dearly, never look back and never return Dad.

Folding the letter inside her hoodie pocket. Wiping at the tears that ushered her healing, Jan instructed the driver to drive her to the airport. Looking back at the cemetery she said her last good-bye to father and the town she grew up in.