Revenant

Viscerally, I still remember the very day I met him. His tie was infuriatingly ajar, his hair messy and wild; a nonsensical smirk was plastered on his handsome face. He had looked at me and ruffled my hair as if we were old friends meeting once more. I disliked it. Truly. Yet, I did not comprehend or understand why my cheeks suddenly flushed pink.

After that, our rivalry consisted of his merciless teasing and my equally quick retorts. I would endeavour not to focus on the mole near his mouth. He would tear his gaze from my eyes aggressively. We would argue in class, specifically in history. Though, may I admit, the feud was foolish; history was set in stone.

I do not recall when he fell in love with me. It may have been sometime in Year 10, however, life did not improve after it. He had made a habit of ringing my phone once every morning and evening. At first, the ritual left me nothing but perturbed. When I picked up the phone on occasion, my only response would be an angry grumble and a scolding.

“Thomas, what have I told you about calling?”

“Apologies, Rosie. I just…needed to hear the sound of your voice.”

I had to refrain from rolling my eyes. “I am not a damsel, I assure you. You need not disturb my peaceful morning.”

“I am blessing you with my very presence!” He joked.

“Bye, Tommy.”

He was always an inconvenience, one who would strive day and night, similar to the sun chasing the moon; I was the stubborn mule, too headstrong and proud to accept his affections.

Until one day.

******

The sun bore holes in my skin. Salty tears skimmed down her cheek.

Eleanora, my youngest and most timid sister, was not at all homely. Truthfully, she was quite beautiful. Her long black hair reached down to her hips, often tied in a braid. Her Emerald green eyes sparkled in the sunlight.

Except, jealousy is the friend to success.

Presently, blood lay spattered around my face. My eyes, bruised and battered, contrasted my pale skin in an alarming manner. I reached up and ran a finger across my cut lips. Any other day, the pain of my injuries would have left me tethered to bed for hours, but the fire blazing inside my soul prevented that reality from striking true.

“You foolhardy rascal!” I exclaimed as my fists curled once again, preparing for the next blow, “How dare you mock her!”

She struck first. “You think you can beat me, you nitwit? For the top of our class, your idiocy stumps me.”

Pain shot through my face as I staggered back. My eyes hurt; I felt as if they were going to bleed. Perhaps they already were. I wouldn’t know.

I spat metallic blood from my mouth. “And what rank do you hold? Negative seven?”

I must admit, this was a stupid move. All it earned me was her friend pushing me to my knees and kicking me in the stomach.

Elenora yelped, kneeling beside me. “Please, please leave her alone.” She pleaded with her bullies.

They did not falter.

Instead, they began to kick me all over. Back, arm, chest. You name it.

This is it. This is how I will die, I thought.

“Get the hell off her!” A deep voice, so familiar, sounded from somewhere. Maybe far away? I was temporarily blinded, nor did I care to know. But the voice only added to my increasing pain. Somewhere, deep inside it rang. No, not my head; my heart.

Instantaneously, moans of pain and punches so aggressive, even I flinched, filled my eardrums. Comforting arms held me up in his lap. I need not see him to know him. The scent of musk. Breathing then, all I felt was solace. How could I ever stop drinking in the smell?

Even as my eyeballs hurt, I pried them open. The searing agony blinked them back closed, but I had gotten a glimpse of his face. That was enough. I smiled happily.

He sighed in relief, but I could sense the angry edge to his voice when he said, “I’m here now.”

I felt like I could finally relax when he wiped away my tears. “God, don’t cry, Rosie.”

“I can’t stop,” I whispered dejectedly.

“My chest physically hurts, baby. Please. I beg you, stop.”

“And then you’ll feel better?”

He nodded. “I will.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

I may not remember when Thomas fell in love with me, but this was the day I fell in love with him.

******

Never before had I allowed my beating heart to touch another's. Never did I feel the soft embrace of love, never did I want to. Before then. Before Tommy. Before I paid attention to his soft brown pupils, the way his head tipped back when he laughed.

I never spoke to him after that. Not that he didn't want to, but because I did not allow it. His phone calls still came in, the way they always did. I ceased answering.

Loving him quietly was more painful than any beating I had ever endured, bestowed by my father's words and my mother’s ignorance. I could not bask in the freedom of love. For what would everyone else say? I, the girl who spent much of my time reading classics and studying the periodic table, with Thomas? Thomas, the head of the football team.

No, I had decided. I will not trap him with me. He has the potential to be something.

And so that is what happened. I spent Year 11 studying for my GCSEs, yet whenever the telephone rang, I would be no farther than the sand from the ocean.

******

“Why is this music so loud?” Strobe lights blinded me, changing as drastically as the transformation of a caterpillar to a butterfly. The song, Why’d you only call me when you’re High, by Arctic Monkeys blasted to every corner of the rave. I had held some distaste for the popular band, but in 2013, they were inescapable.

Getting dragged to a New Year's party by Gracie was not the way I had envisioned the beginning of the year. What could I have done, though? I was in no position to turn up friends, no matter how out of character it may be.

It smelled of gin and lager. My eyes watered from the scent.

“Lighten up, Rosie. It’s Year 12! Enjoy sixth form, at least,” She said. I felt the overwhelming urge to throw my incredibly sour punch all over Gracie’s red curls. Instead, I urged a smile.

Gracie danced messily. You would perhaps assume she was a wild boar in the forest. “Come on, las! Be free!”

Following her advice, I rocked my body to the music. My limbs and arms flailed. I looked worse than a wild boar. Maybe a drunk antelope?

Handing me some beer, Gracie gulped down her own. “Drink up.”

“Why?” I asked. I had never drunk before.

“Because! If you're partaking in abstinence tonight, you better not be sober.”

I pressed my lips together in a tight line, peering down at the foul-smelling thing. Beer was an alcoholic drink with one of the lightest alcohol contents. Before I could think better of it, I tossed my head back in and swallowed. It tasted worse than it looked, but suddenly I felt off.

My lips quivered. “What did you put in this?”

“What? Nothing. You’re hallucinating.” She grinned uncannily.

I shook my head and bolted in the direction away from her. Bodies littered my path, yet my steps only grew quicker. My head spun. I did not care. Slowly, my movement became more jagged and uncertain. I was undoubtedly drunk. Was it even beer that she gave me? Was there alcohol in the punch?

I did not know if Gracie was chasing after me. However, I could not leave the outcome up to chance. I could not wait. I could not falter. I turned my head back, attempting to catch a glimpse of her silver eyes. The music in the background switched to I wanna be yours as I collided with a body that every inch of my being recalled.

“Woah, love. Are you alright?” Tommy grabbed hold of my shoulders to steady me.

I looked up at him. “Do you remember me?” I foolishly slipped the words out. Any other moment, and I would have held my tongue. Though being drunk for the first time was an out-of-body experience.

“I remember,” he chuckled. The sound made me want to reach up and brush the lock of hair fallen over his forehead back into place. Tommy liked his hair like that. How could I forget?

His gaze travelled over me, and I suddenly felt incredibly naked, even though I was wearing a cocktail dress that went up to my knees. I tucked my hair behind my ear, feeling a little awkward at his staring.

I removed myself from him. “Well, nice to see you again.” Did he get taller since the last time? Walking away, my eyes welled with tears.

Number 1 Party Anthem…

I did not notice the song changing once more, nor did I care.

That night, I went home, and the phone rang again. Just like always, I did not pick up.

I knew it then; my love for him was revenant.

******

Dear Rosie,

You are my greatest torment. Not a single day passes by in which I do not linger in the soul that is you. The stars are envious of you; the way your head tips back when you laugh, the sparkle in your eyes when you smile. The sun yearns to be you. The way you shine without trying to, the way you would light up the sky in seconds. Thieves are resentful of the way you stole my heart away, and threaten to keep it every day. Because little did they know I would hold the stars for you, paint the sky a mix of pink and orange for you, give you my heart if you're missing yours. For the ocean is grudging of you; how deep your eyes are without them even being blue.

Love, Thomas.

Dear Thomas,

I am flattered.

Sincerely, Rosie.

Dear Rosie,

Is that all?

Love, Thomas.

Dear Thomas,

I cannot reply to you.

Sincerely, Rosie.

Dear Rosie,

Pick up my call. Please darling.

Love, Thomas.

Dear Thomas,

Forget me. I beg you.

Sincerely, Rosie.

Dear Rosie,

How can I forget you? It is physically impossible.

Love, Thomas.

Dear Thomas,

Go. Live your life. I have seen you play ball, Tommy. You are impeccable. You have the potential to do so many things. You would be better off without me. Believe me, and please stop sending me letters.

Sincerely, Rosie.

Dear Rosie,

You cannot seriously think that. You are everything. How can I love someone else? Who will call me an idiot when I say Mozart is a poet and not a pianist? Who will reject me over and over again? Who will be you?

Love, Thomas.

Years passed. Rosie never replied to Thomas. Years later, she sent a letter no one was meant to read.

Dear Tommy,

How’s your football career going? I’m a lawyer now. Went to Oxford. Do you have kids?

Love, Rosie.

Hi Rosie,

It’s been fifteen years, love. I do wonder why you’re contacting me now. As for your questions, I am both happy and disappointed to inform you that I do have kids. Or, at least one. Her name is Rosalie. She is my entire world. She turns six this year. I did get into playing professional football. The mother of my child, Laura, wonders why I was so insistent on naming our daughter Rosalie. I call her Rosie.

Regards, Thomas.

Dear Tommy,

I am very happy you have lived. This is what I wanted. I did not marry. Never, ever. I must admit, I was in love with you. For a very long time. I could never find you. Regardless, this is not asking you to take me back. I just missed speaking to you.

Love, Rosie.

Hi Rosie,

Laura is not you. Rosie is not you. I meant it when I said nobody would be you. Why! Why did you have to just… throw it all away! We would have been wonderful together! I would have treated you so, so well, baby. I never got married. Laura was a woman I was with for one night and never again.

Regards, Thomas.

Dear Tommy,

I will continue to search for you in every person I come across. I will order your favourite tea, not coffee, you hate coffee, at every café I come across. I have a cat. I know you love cats. I find you in everything. Every streetlamp, every croissant, every boy with brown eyes and brown hair, only to attempt to dull the ache I find in my chest. But for now, once again, I set you free.

Love, Rosie.

They never spoke again.