Indescribable Desire

On Wednesday afternoon, while all eyes were on that first ray of light shooting from the hidden sun, which seemed to take darkness away, I had already reached the end of my journey. It was never meant to be, I thought, or gave a bit of consolation, as I boarded the train. I was studying arts, and had a promising chance to go to college. But no one understood me, I was weird, a freak to my classmates. Most of the days all I did was to sit silently, brooding, lamenting but never uttering a word of protest perhaps if I had the courage to speak then, I would not have gone so far to have murdered my only chance.

Toubolt was the sports star of our school. Although always he had a brotherly vibe, I never saw him as one. He was not a friend either. Who he was or how he brightened my life was never known, yet there he was smiling and giving a pat on my back as I stood there waiting at the bus stop. He had crazy girls buzzing around him all the time yet he found time to smile and wave and sometimes say ''Hi, there. All good?'' And I, like a fool, only nodded in affirmation and hid my burning face into my cell phone pretending I had an important message to attend to. I had no one to message, not anyone messaged me, I was practically a nobody in the school, yet whenever he was there I felt to be somebody. His simple wave was enough to clear away all the darkness built throughout that day.

Deep within I had a feeling he could read my mind. Everytime I had a bad day he was extremely caring and kind towards me. I was not adamant thinking why would the pretty boy of the school suddenly be interested in this nerd? But it was not me that he was kind towards. It was in his nature. 

One day as I was sitting at the cafeteria, almost stabbing my vegetable sandwich— a meal that I took everyday so that I did not have to face the ''better lot'' of our class— a group of bullies surrounded me and started pulling my shirt and even snatched my glasses. Out of nowhere Toubolt came and sat at the table. With his one glaring stare my glasses were handed back and they retreated. Victory! I had never tasted victory before and in my excitement I jumped up and hugged Toubolt quickly to come into consciousness and get back to my seat. 

''Sorry, got a bit carried away.'' Those were the first words I had ever spoken to him. I was trembling. At the verge of unconsciousness, blinking rapidly as if to get back to reality. What were you thinking? I fisted strongly, disgusted with my desire. 

I took off swifty. Was he still staring at me? He must think I am weird as well. As I ran towards my house I was in tears thinking I made a mistake as I could not contain my emotions. I locked myself in my room. Wrote in my journal what stupidity I had done and then stayed awake thinking that Toubolt shall never want to see me.

Till the slight orangish sunlight had pierced through my westward window I remained awake. Eyes blood red from being awake or perhaps crying. I shut my eyes and thought of never walking into that school premises ever in my life. Mother came and enquired but I meekly said I was not feeling well and would not be able to attend school for a week. 

Four weeks had passed and I spent all my days in my room. I took to poetry. It was horrible but still were my thoughts. On Sunday as I was in a vortex of writing another one of my brooding poems, two knocks on the door broke my concentration. ''Not now Ma, I am not hungry.''

A familiar voice but not that of my mother came from the other side. ''But I brought your favourite vegetable sandwich from school.'' I jumped up and opened the door. It was Toubolt. Why would he come to my house holding that horrible sandwich? Thoughts had not yet aligned when Toubolt hugged me tight and whispered I thought something happened to you. I was in utter shock. I was not living in the plain to make any comment. 

That was it, now begins a new story for my school to talk about from tomorrow if I ever dare to walk in. I pushed him back and instantly Toubolt bursted with a bunch of questions. I answered them one by one and finally ended with ''No, I am not going there anymore?'' 

''But why?'' came the question, instantly. I had not yet figured out why by myself thus stood there staring blankly towards his face. ''You at least would come to see me play today at five,'' continued Toubolt. His face lit up brighter than the sun with my mere affirmation. But I knew I would go. He ran out of the room, elated. He sure would perform well. He always did. I had been a spectator of all his matches up till today.

Next day I learnt that our team lost, Toubolt got injured— fractured his ankle— and was rushed to hospital. I went straight to his home where he was being looked after. He had been always strong, both physically and mentally and thus his recovery was going quite faster. And in a span of about two months he was walking properly. Doctors suggested not to play and there went his chance to get a scholarship. 

It had been a rough few weeks for Toubolt that summer. Since his loss he seemed to be distant from everyone, or just me. There was a wall between us and I would now see it visibly. Days went by, how was Toubolt? To ensure I did go to school this time after seven weeks and as expected all eyes were on me. That was the first time I ever saw people staring directly at me, whispering to each other some baseless gossip without a doubt.  

It was not the time to get bothered about these people. I came here for Toubolt and I would find him. I went to my class and another set of eyeballs rolled towards me. With all the vigour I could master I went and asked a classmate, ''Where is Toubolt?'' and suddenly all went into a burst of laughter. 

''Who? Your boyfriend?'' a mocking comment was passed by someone in the class, and there came another burst. I did not care to see who it was, I repeated my question, almost shouted this time.  

Who was he to me or why was I so worried not to have any contact with him was not yet known to me. All I wanted was to just see him. Unable to bring out any answers I disgustedly turned and there he was standing at the door talking to someone else with an inconceivable romantic gesture. My heart froze instantly. I quickly went towards him and looked directly in his eyes wondering whether it was him only. 

It was him. He introduced that person and they expressed their mutual feelings for each other. I could not believe how soon a thing which belonged to me went to someone else. I smiled and congratulated them and went straight to home. There was no name to this relationship, then why should I bother. I made vigorous search and applied for another school far away from here. 

By going away I would find the solution. On Sunday I took my ticket, carried my bags and boarded the taxi towards the station. While the whole world was being engulfed by darkness with the solar eclipse, all my life, my dreams and hopes of returning to this city darkened as well.