33,000 Feet High

10^th June 2019, 10:10am

Dear Diary,

I wish I was with my family right now so I can hold my mum’s hand and actually verbally express my worries but unfortunately, I’m alone and all I have is you – this diary – so please bear with me, diary. Or maybe I should give you a name, so it feels like I’m speaking to a friend. How about Skye? It sounds like an appropriate name, don’t you think?

Okay so, Skye, I’m actually freaking out. And that is an understatement. I’m currently sitting in my allocated seat in the middle aisle and the middle seat of my plane cabin which is fine and all except that it feels like I’m stuck with nowhere to escape if I needed to. But then again, where can one even escape to in a plane? I’ve never told anyone a fear of mine before. No one knows this except my family. Apart from my mum, dad, grandpa and grandma, you’re the fifth person who’s going to know my secret. I have a fear of flying. I googled it once and the actual term for it is aviophobia. I don’t know when it started, or why, or how, but I get really anxious and panic every time my family suggests a family trip that involves taking a plane. And I always, always, reject them. I feel sorry for my parents. Don’t get me wrong, Skye. I have flown on a plane before. A grand total of 3 times, this being my third. And in my previous two flights, I had my parents on either side of me. So, this would be my first time flying alone. A pretty big first if you asked me.

You might have many questions in your head right now. Questions like, ‘why are you in a plane right now then?’ or ‘If your parents knew you were so afraid of flying, why aren’t they with you?’. Well, I guess there’s no easy way to say it, but my grandmother just passed away from a heart attack and so, despite my fears of flying, I had to fly out to them in Florida. Wow, that… took my mind off the fact that I’m in a plane right now actually. So, either I cry my heart out while thinking of my grandmother or I cave into my anxiety thinking about the fact that I’m about to fly for 5 hours straight. Lucky me. Okay, so I kind of told a little white lie in the beginning when I said my parents weren’t with me. They are on the same flight as me, but because we had to book tickets at the very last minute, we all had to get separated seats and we ended up in different cabins. Mum and dad were super worried for me, which I took a lot of comfort in. They wanted to see if other passengers would be willing to switch seats but unfortunately, they were both seated next to couples who did not want to be separated. I didn’t want to make a big deal of it. Maybe, just maybe, I’ll be better. After all, it’s been many years since I took a plane. It will probably be fine… right?

Oh, the captain just told us to put our desks away as we’re about to take off. My hands are so sweaty, and I just realized I’m bouncing my legs. I always do that when I get anxious. Okay, I have to stop. I wish I could continue talking to you though. Wish me luck, Skye.

-- 

10^th June 2019, 10:40am 

Hey Skye, I still can’t put down my table as the seatbelt sign is still on and so I’m currently writing this on my lap. I just really needed to do something else with my hands instead of gripping my arms or I’m going to rip my skin off. I spent the entire takeoff with my eyes closed and praying in my head over and over. Just praying that the plane will not crash into another plane or run out of fuel. I was also praying for good weather. Good weather is important because I really do not want to be here in the middle of a storm. I know you must be judging me and saying that my fears are ridiculous. I know. I’m very aware. I’ve told my mind that many times, but my heart just doesn’t seem to get the memo! It just believes what it wants to believe. What can a girl like me do about it? Nothing. Just 5 hours and I’ll be safe and sound on solid ground.

-- 

10^th June 2019, 11:35am

 The guy next me wouldn’t stop talking to me. That was the reason why I’ve been away for so long. I’m only able to write in here now is because he just left to go use the bathroom.

“Hey, my name’s Ethan.” The guy next to me said. At first, I didn’t know he was speaking to me. But when I didn’t hear anyone respond, I looked up and saw him looking right at me with an expectant expression. I did not want to socialize. I’m originally not a big fan of socializing. I’m not the kind of girl who’s the life of a party and goes around making friends with everybody in the room. So, you can understand why I really did not want to talk to strangers when I’m trying not to get a panic attack. That might be why my reply to him wasn’t on the friendly side, and it was, ‘Do you need something?”

“Just some entertainment. Since I’m alone on this plane and you’re alone on this plane. I thought we could entertain each other,” Ethan grinned.

“That’s the purpose of the tv right in front of you. To give you entertainment. Use it.”

Ethan rolled his eyes slightly and angled his body a little so that he was facing me more.

“The shows on this thing are so old. I’ve already watched everything, and I hate re-watching.

I frowned and glanced down at my diary. I was itching to get back to writing.

“What are you writing anyway? I saw you writing very urgently earlier.” He leaned in, trying to peek in and I slammed my diary shut.

“Have you ever heard of privacy?” My voice came out sharper than I had intended. But I panicked. I did not want a stranger reading my diary. A diary is the most personal belonging for anyone who owns one. I definitely did not want him to find out about my fear of flight. He would just laugh at me. Ethan raised his hand as a surrendering gesture and said, “Sorry, I shouldn’t have done that.” His tone was so sincere that it cooled some of my panic. I took a deep breath and apologized as well, “I’m… sorry too. I didn’t mean to snap at you.”

Ethan smiled at me to show that we were cool and asked, “So, what are you flying out to Florida for?” I didn’t want to put him in an awkward situation where he wouldn’t know how to react after hearing that I’m going to attend my grandmother’s funeral, so I said, “Visiting my family,” which was partly true.

Ethan was one of those guys who can make anybody comfortable around him. He was a good conversationalist, knows when to start talking, when to stop and how to save an awkward pause. It was getting easier and easier to focus on our conversation instead of me sitting in a giant piece of metal.

During our conversation, I found out that he was a junior in college, majoring in architecture which is really cool. I’ve always been interested in design, but I have zero creativity and was not gifted with artistic talent. I also found out that he’s visiting his family in Florida, although his family members are definitely alive. He has one older brother and two younger sisters. His family owns a golden retriever named Bobo. Before Bobo, they had a husky named Igloo, but she passed away a couple years ago. Ethan is definitely one of those people who shares too much.

Don’t think that I’ve not been contributing to the conversation though. I also shared with him about me getting accepted to the University of Southern California, majoring in Pharmacy. Ethan got really excited about that because that’s the college he’s in now and Ethan’s excitement was contagious. I found myself smiling and being excited too. I also shared how my parents grew up in Florida but moved to Los Angeles when they got married. I told him that I loved reading, writing and dogs. Just a bunch of random facts. It was pretty… fun. Okay, he’s back. I’ve only just realized he was gone really long. Maybe someone was doing the big business and there’s a line… or maybe he did the big business- Okay, why am I writing about that? I’ll be back with more updates!

-- 

10^th June 2019, 2.10pm

 The most terrifying thing happened just now. Ethan and I were eating our lunch (we both got the salmon set) and I was just finishing up the last of my meal when the plane shook. And by shook, I mean my water spilling out of my cup kind of shaking. Of course, it’s just turbulence to you guys but to me, I immediately had a vision of the plane malfunctioning and at any moment, we would fall, and fall, and ultimately crash, and die. I gripped the sides of my table, my eyes frantically scanning my surroundings. How are people still eating? Do they not feel the plane shaking? An air stewardess walked past me then. I studied her face, trying to see if there’s any concern or worry on her face. There wasn’t. Or maybe I’m just bad at reading expressions.

“Hey, are you okay?” It took me a while to realize that Ethan had been talking and I didn’t hear a word he said. I ignored him. I squeezed my eyes shut and gulped. I could feel my heart pounding against my chest. My hands felt numb from squeezing so hard. I consciously tried to take deep breaths trying to calm myself. It’s not working.

“Noelle, come on, talk to me. I hope you’re not about to puke your lunch all over me.” Ethan let out an unsure chuckle. Like he’s trying to make a joke, make me laugh but at the same time, concerned about me. I don’t blame him. I’m literally the only one freaking out about a minor turbulence. I’m sure he thinks I’m crazy.

“I can’t breathe,” I finally whispered. Which I now realize was the wrong thing to say. I should have said, ‘I’m scared of flights’ or ‘Turbulence freaks me out’, or literally anything except ‘I can’t breathe’ because that only made Ethan panic.

“What? What do you mean you can’t breathe? Are you having an asthma attack? Where’s your inhaler? Should I get the air stewardess?”

“I- I have a fear of flights.” I managed to choke out, my eyes still closed.

I was on the verge of tears now. I can feel it. I tried thinking of something else. Anything that could take my mind away from this plane. I thought of my parents who were just in the cabins in front of mine, I thought of my favorite romance book that always gives me butterflies, I thought of my best friend Ellie, dancing like a maniac in the middle of the dance floor during our high school senior prom. It anchored me a little, but not enough.

It was then when I felt a headphone being placed over my ears. It was so unexpected that I opened my eyes. I looked over at Ethan. He was scrolling through his phone and a second later, music started playing through the headphones. I was still looking at him when he looked up and met my eyes.

‘My favorite,’ he mouthed. I recognized the tune. It was ‘Perfect’ by Ed Sheeran. It was one of my favorites too. I smiled. Well, I hoped it was a smile. But I think it was more like a grimace. Ethan held out his hand to me. I looked down at it then back up at him questioningly. He grinned and nodded towards my hands, which were still gripping onto the armrests, but not as tightly anymore. I glanced at my hands then stared at his. After a moment too long, I slowly released my hands from the armrest, wiped the sweat off on my jeans (yes, even in that moment, I was self-conscious. A boy whom I find pretty cute is offering to hold my hand!!) and slid my right hand into his. I slowly looked up at him and his smile widened. He then pointed to his headphones, indicating I should listen to the music. I finally managed a proper smile then leaned back against my seat again and closed my eyes, focusing on Ed Sheeran’s soothing voice.

I feel a lot calmer now. Ethan’s eyes are currently closed. But he’s not sleeping. I know because he’s been occasionally stroking the back of my hand with his thumb. It’s really relaxing. We’re still holding hands. Can I just say, I like holding his hand? He will never be allowed to read this diary.

 --

 10^th June 2019, 4:20pm (7:20pm FL)

I survived. I survived my first time flying without my family. The moment I reunited with my parents, I hugged them so tightly and felt the last of my anxiety slip away. We’re currently in a cab on the way to the hospital to meet with my grandfather, uncle Joseph, aunty Lydia and Jamie, my cousin. It’s going to be quite a long ride and so I decided to update you about the last hour-plus of the flight.

After Ethan realized I was, well, functional again, he didn’t immediately start talking to me and asking questions. I think he was waiting for me to share first. And I did. I thought it would be difficult and embarrassing but it wasn’t. I felt really comfortable talking to him. I also confessed to him the real reason why I was heading to Florida. Surprisingly, he didn’t react awkwardly at all. Instead, he wanted to know more about my grandmother and my relationship with her, which I thought was really sweet.

“I’ll let you in on a secret, but you have to promise not to tell anyone,” Ethan said after the more serious stuff was out of the way. I raised a brow at him, “It wouldn’t matter. It’s not like we have any mutual friends.”

“We might! Since you’ll be studying at the same college as me starting this fall. So, promise okay?” I laughed, “Okay, okay, I promise. What is it?”

“I have a fear of needles.”

I blinked.

“Needles?”

“Hey, don’t laugh at me okay. It’s an actual fear.” Ethan said, his face serious. I held up my free hand, doing the same surrendering gesture that he did before and said, “No judgment. We’re all afraid of something.”

After that, we just talked about our summer plans. He asked if I was excited to start college. I asked what his favorite part of college was. Before I knew it, it was time for landing. Ethan could feel me tensing up again and offered me his headphone. Before I put it on, he leaned in and whispered, “Just tell yourself you’ll be on the ground in a minute.”

I did just that. I repeated the words over and over in my head until I felt the wheels of the plane made contact with the ground. I turned my head to Ethan excitedly, giddy with relief and happiness. He laughed and squeezed my hand. The moment passed and we both realized simultaneously that it was time for us to let go of our hands.

As we waited for our turn to exit from the plane, Ethan held out his phone to me.

“Do you want to, maybe, hang out sometime in the future? I know this trip to Florida isn’t a happy one. But I thought when college starts for you, we could meet?”

It was cute. How he was so confident at all of our conversations earlier and how he’s being shy now. I avoided his gaze and took his phone and saved my contact.

“I would like that.”