A Final Goodbye

My mother always told me that I couldn't let go. I wasn't able to move forward from the things that happened in the past and was constantly stuck reliving the good days. I had many good days and so many more with you. We were two peas in a pod. Like peanut butter and jelly. Every day we would be together. You were my very best friend, and I couldn't imagine life without you. I thought we would always be together, telling each other secrets and making jokes. But one day that all changed. One day you were no longer my friend. I didn't understand why this had happened because we were supposed to always be together. It didn't happen right away. There were signs that told me what was going on, but I ignored them. I didn't want to believe what I was seeing. I guess it's my fault.

Even if we were best friends, we had our differences. We did different things and liked different things, but this is what made us, us. It's these differences that made us so special. But it was ultimately these differences that forced us apart. You met different people and started to choose them over me. And since I could no longer have you, I had to start making new friends myself. We would still talk now and then, and our parents still talked, but it was strained. Almost forced. Soon I gave up, I had to realize that you were no longer mine.

It hurt every time I saw you. We grew so apart that you wouldn't even make the effort to say hello when you saw me in the halls. My life changed because of you. It's because of you that I have this life now, and I don't know whether to thank you or slap you in the face. It almost became weird to know that we once were friends. You became a stranger, and every time I saw you it was like looking at someone else.

I think of the relationship we had was like a dirty little secret. The people you now call friends probably don't even know that we were best friends. Don't know that it was me you grew up with and shaped your childhood. I would talk about you all the time, but I doubt that you did. Sometimes I think that you have forgotten me entirely. But then there were those days where you saw me and did make the effort to speak to me. I thought that finally, I would have you back. You would see the mistake you made and take me back. But that was never the case. It was more just an opportunity to take a trip to the past.

"Remember when we did this?" "Remember what we would do?" "How about that time when...."

These were most of the things you said. But even if you were happy to talk about these things, I was not. I was furious. How dare you speak of these sacred memories as if you were just passing the time. These memories were a part of my life that meant so much, and seeing you speak like this made me realize you didn't care. How easy it was for you to throw away our friendship. I would try and make you feel guilty. I gave short responses, sarcasm, and brush you off. You got the message and finally left me alone for good.

The worst part is the silence in those times when I am alone. Me, myself, and I. All the time in the world to sit and think. Let thoughts and memories flow through my mind like a river trying to smooth the rocks and ease my mind. But it did anything but that. It made those rocks in the river bigger, sharper. It made them harder to control. I would think of what my life would be like, who I would be, the different people in my life if things were different. And so many what-ifs. I think of my life now, and how much different it would be if you were still in it. Would it be better? Worse? I guess I'll never know, but that is probably for the best. I am not upset with the friends and life I have now, but sometimes I am not entirely happy. It is constantly a game of ping pong. The ball going back and forth between being happy and being regretful. I have so many regrets, but there is nothing I can do.

Do you still think about me like I do you? Do you think about your childhood and the influence I had on it? Do you think of everything we've been through together?

This is why I am writing this because I could never have the strength to tell you to your face. While I have many regrets, I do not regret having you in my life. Do I wish you were still with me? Sure, but I can't change your life. You have your own now as do I. We made each other who we are now, and while you may not think about it, I will always be grateful for the amazing childhood you gave me. All the memories and secrets and photos will always be with me. And I hope one day you will look back on this and smile or cry like I do. To the friend you lost, and the friend you gave up.

And it is because I am writing this so that I can say good-bye. It is time for me to stop thinking about the what-ifs and start focusing on the possibilities. It is you who taught me, without you knowing, that I will live without regret. I will do what I want when I want to. No more holding back, no more sulking over the memories. They will always be there, but they will not run my life anymore. I hope one day I can tell you this and make you understand. For now all I can say is good-bye, and maybe one day we can meet again.