The Graduation Trip

Ainsely parks her car on the side of the road near the entrance of the wrought iron gates and turns off her car. Hands still on her steering wheel and eyes closed, she takes a deep breath. It’s Monday June 7th. She reaches for the carnations on the passenger seat and her cane. She climbs out of the car the best she can with her bad left leg. She walks through the gates for the tenth time. The pain hasn’t left her. The memories have not faded and the hole in her heart is still there. Everyone told her that with time, the pain and grief would become easier.  

She slowly makes it to the far end of the cemetery.  “Hi Bobby.” Kneeling down, she places the flowers on the ground and a hand on his headstone. “It’s not getting easier. Everyone told me it would and it’s not.” She says with a painful smile, fighting the wave of tears that are about to come pouring from her eyes. “It’s my fault. I will never forgive myself for this. I don’t know how to. You’d still be here if I never left that night.”  

While she continues to sit there and talk to Bobby, trying to reminisce on the good memories, someone walks over to her. “Hi Ainsely. You don’t know me, but I’m Bobby’s Aunt Jean.” 

Ainsley, trying to stand up and be polite, she reaches out to shake her hand. “Hi. I recognize you from the service.  I’m sure you want some time with him, so I’ll leave you be.” 

“No, dear, that’s not why I’m here. You see, after the accident, Bobby was coherent for a couple days before he passed. He wrote a note for you and gave me specific instructions to deliver this to you. I have always tried to get here to give it to you, but I kept missing you and I don’t know where you live.” 

She handed Ainsely a shoe box with an envelope on top. “You can wait to open it later if you want. I’m sure there are some emotional pieces in there” Jean says with a gentle smile.  

“Thank you. I’ll open it when I get back home. It was nice to meet you. I should get going. It was nice meeting you Jean”. Ainsley starts to make her way toward her car.  

“You know he loved you very much. I don’t know if he ever told you that. But he did.” Jean smiling while tears line her eyes, she hugs Ainsley and wishes her well. “Thank you” Ainsely says through a crack in her voice.  

*** 

Ainsley gets home and opens the envelope on the box and takes the lid off. There are pictures of them, concert tickets, the boutonniere from prom, and so many other little mementos. The letter was short. It wasn’t his normal handwriting; it was chicken scratching at best.  

Ainsley- 

This isn’t your fault. The accident was just that; an accident. 

Get well soon and get out of this small town.  

If I don’t make it out, cuz I don’t think im gunna, know that I love you. 

Live our dream and go on That Trip! 

-XO Bobby  

As she reads this note, the ink of the note starts to bleed from the tears running off her cheeks onto the paper. Soon her eyes are so full of tears, everything is blurry. She squeezes them shut so tightly, hoping that maybe when she opens them, this nightmare will be over. Her flood of tears turns into a heartfelt sob. She cried as she did the day, she found out Bobby was gone. Sitting on the ground, she pulls her legs in and cries until there is nothing left. At some point she must have pulled herself off the floor and onto the couch and pulled a blanket over her head, because that is where she woke up the next morning. 

As the week passed, she continued to walk past the box sitting there with the note stuffed inside. ‘Go on That Trip’. She kept seeing those words in her head. She knew exactly what he meant. 

*** 

It’s Saturday morning. She takes her fresh cup of coffee over to the couch and stares at the box some more. After 15 minutes of staring, she finally leans over and rips the lid off. Taking a deep breath, as she stared at memories and pictures of the love of her life, there were items buried at the bottom that she knew she would find. A couple maps, one of USA and the other of the state of Oregon, that they had drawn on together, a compass and their “bucket list”: Hike to the top of Tom, Dick and Harry. She instantly became very sad at the idea of doing this trip solo. Without Bobby. That was supposed to be ‘Their Trip’ after graduation. Starting to well up with tears, the ball in her throat growing, she says “I can’t do this without you. I don’t know how.” Her head falling into her palms, she cries some more. She is reliving the painful weeks that followed his passing ten years ago. It feels as if someone just ripped off the scab and the wound is fresh. After a few minutes have passed, she wipes her eyes and says “Ok Bobby, I’ll do it. We will still do it. I know you’re still with me.” 

*** 

Ainsely spent the next month training and prepping for hike. She worked with PT to help rehab her leg. She has purchased all the gear she will need for this trip.   Her car packed to the brim, the box of their past, and a vase of dry dead flowers. She was sent flowers after his funeral, and she could never bear to part with them. She dried them up and left them sit in a vase until she knew what to do with them.  She knows now. On August 1st, she hit the road. 

The drive from Wisconsin to Mt. Hood, Oregon is roughly 30 hours. She’ll break the drive up over the course of a few days. An hour into her drive, she starts to talk to herself. 

“This is crazy. I don’t know if I'm going to be able to do this hike alone. I should turn around.” 

“No! Stop! Just do it. There are hiking guides. You’ll be fine.”  

“What do people do when they are on a long car trip by themselves?” She turns down the music and continues to talk to herself. It, in some ways, feels very soothing to talk through everything she is feeling right now. Anxiety. Fear. Sadness. Anticipation.  

“Alright Bobby we’re in this car now for the next 3 days as we drive across the country. What should we talk about? Well, it’s more me talking to you and you just listening, if you are” glancing over at the box of their belongings on the passenger seat, along with a bag of all the dried flowers that are nothing more than bits and pieces of the flower petals. She didn’t want any of his remains. It felt wrong for her to have them. His parents needed them. She kept the plants she was given and the vase of flowers, that are now the dried-up bits on her car seat. She is going to hike to the top of the mountain like they had planned to do and will spread those flower petals into the wind. Just thinking about this has tears welling up in her eyes. “Bobby...” there is a slight catch in her voice, a lump growing in her throat. “I don’t know if I can do this. Say goodbye. Let go of what was and try to move on.” Tears steadily stream down her cheeks, like a light rain that never stops.  

She has been living in a world that feels stuck in place. She knows Bobby is gone. He has been for 10 years. But there is something about this final stage of grief that she has been avoiding.  

The miles pass, the hours tick by, and it's time to find her first gas station. She pulls off, fuels up and goes inside to grab a few snacks for the road. After getting back into the car, she gets situated with her snacks, water and coffee. Looking at the route on her phone, she gets a rough idea of where she will be at 8pm. She finds a town with a few motels to stay in for the night. She makes a quick call to check and see if they have a vacancy. The motel sets her up with a 1-bed room for the night.  Ainsely gets her directions back up and pulls out of the gas station and heads toward the highway.  

Night one in a strange town makes her feel very alone. She has never left her hometown. She has never spent the night outside of her hometown without her family. But tonight, she will. She is going to learn on this trip how to become comfortable being alone, being with her thoughts. So, she sits in silence thinking about everything, until she is too tired to keep her eyes open.  

For two more days she repeats this; sitting in a car for 8-10 hours, talking to herself, and feeling endless amounts of anticipation until she arrives at her little cabin just outside of Mt. Hood. She gets unpacked for the night. She tries to relax, knowing she has a big day ahead of her in the morning. And as she has done for the last 3 nights, she wrestles with her thoughts, tries to find comfort in the loneliness and eventually drifts off to sleep.  

*** 

She left her cabin early that morning. She wanted to have a head start and allow plenty of time to complete the hike, knowing it could take her a while. She has plenty of snacks, water, clothing for any potential weather change, and her good hiking sticks. Her leg is feeling good today, but she still brought her pain meds in case. She checked in at the trail office to talk to their guides. She inquires about the conditions, making sure the route is safe to hike. They give her their bits of advice about the route, and the rough timeline of how long it should take. She added the desk phone number to her phone along with the ranger’s number if, for some reason, something went wrong.  

She heads over to the trail head entrance. She anxiously checks over her bag one last time before staring. She heaves her hiking pack onto her back and stares at the trail for a moment. There are so many emotions running through Ainsely at this moment. Something she thought she was going to do 10 years ago. She planned this whole trip with Bobby. And now here she is, doing it alone. However, Bobby wanted her to do this. He wanted her to finish it, even if it meant doing it without him. So, she’s going to do it. One foot in front of the other, she starts. It’s about 30 minutes into the hike when she sees the split to different portions of the mountain. She laughs to herself as she walks past the sign “Tom Dick and Harry Mtn”.  

“Alright Bobby, here we go”. She has his high school ring on a chain around her neck and the bag of smashed flower bits in her pack. This hike will roughly take 4 hours in its entirety. It’s early and a weekday, which means the trail is nice and quiet with very few people on the trail. She planned it that way. She figured she should add an hour to the expected time of completion.  

After a couple hours of huffing and puffing up the mountain, taking a couple brief stops for water and a snack bar, she finally takes her final few steps to the top. She’s frozen. It’s as incredible as the pictures on the internet showed, but better. It is breath-taking. “Bobby” she whispers “it’s beautiful up here. I hope heaven looks this good.” She has a smile a mile wide and her hand raises, gently covering her mouth. Ainsley is speechless. She is so proud she completed this journey. Not just the road trip, but the few hours it took hiking up a mountain. Being here at this very moment means everything.  

She set her pack down on the ground next to her and she sat for a moment, saying nothing. She pulled out her water and a couple more snacks. After spending 20 minutes just soaking in this moment. She opens her pack and sees the bag of flowers. She takes a big breath in and out. “It’s time.”  

Everything is packed up and she continues to sit for a moment, flower baggy in hand. Using her hiking sticks to help her up, she stands near the edge of the mountain. She closes her eyes, and a few tears slide down her cheeks. She feels the breeze on her face drying the trail her tears left behind. She slowly opens the bag of flower petals, grabbing a small handful of them, she crushes them in her hand and slowly lets the wind carry them away.  

“Bobby, we always had plans to do this together.” Grabbing handfuls of crushed petals, she talks to him on this mountain top. “I need to accept that what happened was not my fault. It was an accident. I miss you terribly. I think about you daily. I love you with my whole heart. So, because I need you to rest peacefully, I need to let you go.” With one final fist full of petals, she says “I love you. It’s ok, I’m going to let you go. See you later.” Slowly opening her hand with the last bits of flowers slipping through her fingers, she watches them fly to their new resting place on the mountain top, in the clouds, in the most beautiful place on Earth.  

*** 

A few weeks had gone by since Ainsley’s trip ended, and she returned home. She walks a little lighter. She smiles a little more. She tries to see joy in the subtleties of life. That Trip. It was everything it was meant to be, but also so much more. She has started grief counseling since she returned home. She quit her job she hated, and now is moving toward something better. What that is yet, she doesn’t know. She learned a lot on that trip: Life is meant to be lived. Life is painful. But life is also full of love. That trip was the trip of her lifetime.