A Safe Place

“I haven’t told many people this, in fact only my mom and child’s father, maybe one friend know: I had an abortion; two really.” I said, putting my head down in shame. “How old were you?” Sharon, my therapist replied. “The first time I was just a teenager, I didn’t know what else to do. I was 15 and my mom was living in another state. I was staying with a friend of hers and I knew he wouldn’t let me stay if I kept the baby. My boyfriend agreed to having it as well, I’m sure he was scared to tell his parents.” Sharon remained calm and said “sometimes we have to make choices we may regret, but also may have been for the best.” “ya.” I wasn’t sure if I agreed with this or it was just a script she memorized to make people feel better. “It was scary, I remember being dropped off and sitting in the waiting room riddled with guilt, questioning whether I was making the right decision while at the same time trying to just block it out, pretend it wasn’t happening.” (This was a coping skill I had become a custom to rely on.) “The procedure itself was uncomfortable, they used what sounded like a vacuum type machine, I really didn’t even want to look at it. The noises it made will be with me for life. Once it was over, my boyfriend picked me up to offer some comfort. He was caring and concerned. We met in summer school during tenth grade. He sat in front of me and we would pass notes back and forth during class. He is Mexican American, a little chunky and just had this charm I couldn’t resist. One day on his birthday he asked me for a kiss, and that was it, we became an item from there.”

“Three months lafter the abortion; we were pregnant again. There was no way I was doing that again.” 

Sharon had been listening closely the whole time, she was a sweet down to earth woman in her fifties. She had soft but frizzy dirty blonde hair down to her shoulders, and wore glasses. She sat attentively and would always say things to build me up. 

“That must have been scary, what happened?” She asked. “ There I was,sick as a dog again, vomiting non stop. My boyfriend and I went to the emergency room because I had been so ill. They confirmed that I was pregnant and we were immediately in panic mode. And then fate happened, there was a woman next to us a large chummy lady with brown curly hair. She could see how distraught we were and she asked what was wrong and when we told her what had happened she began to speak to us about God, she pleaded with us not to have another abortion and offered her phone number so that she could be sort of a support for me to get through. She prayed with us and we must have talked openly for an hour. We parted ways that day but I did stay in contact with her and she turned out to be such a huge help by just talking with me and reassuring me that I could do it. “ “Wow!” Exclaimed Sharon. I went on. “We never told anyone else about the abortion, we fessed up to being pregnant to  his parents and my mothers friend. I was kicked out as soon as I said I was keeping the baby. His parents were mad, but handled everything with such maturity. They invited me to live with them but kicked my boyfriend, their son, out. The lady we met in the hospital, had been right; things were going to be ok.” Sharon continued to encourage me by saying; “you must be so proud of yourself, that was such a huge amount of stress to deal with at such a young age, but you did it!”

“I am so proud!” I returned. My first daughter was born, healthy and the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life, I never felt such a love, so unconditional. I wanted to protect her more than anything in the world.” “Still I have guilt about having the abortion. Yet I’m extremely torn because if I hadn’t had an abortion then I wouldn’t have my daughter. Right? I believe things happen for a reason, yet saying that makes me feel sick, and cruel.”  “You did what you felt you had to do at the time, this doesn’t make you sick or cruel. You were just a child yourself! You shouldn’t even have had to make decisions like this at such a young age.” Sharon said with such empathy. “Earlier you mentioned twoabortions? Where did the other one come in, what were the circumstances?” She asked carefully. 

“Well I had two more children with the same man, we remained a family for fourteen years.” When we split up I was just lost. I think I was grieving. Plus I grew up with this man, I knew nothing else. Anyway, I began to date and meet people, exploring what that even meant. I started dating a seemingly nice gentleman and we had a fairly healthy relationship until he began talking about eating me pregnant, I vowed that I would never have any other children with anyone else. So we used protection,  but what I didn’t know was that he was ready to do anything to try and get me to have his baby. I think maybe he was poking holes in the condoms or, I’m not even really sure why he did, but sure enough I ended up pregnant.” “So you think maybe he was trying to trap you? What happened next?” Sharon was curious. “ I absolutely was not ready to have another child. I was 28, with three incredibly amazing , healthy children, I didn’t need more and certainly it with anyone besides my husband.” “Wait so you were still married? “Yes, it took eight years to finalize our divorce, it was rough.” So back to what happened; I made an excuse to break up with the guy, I didn’t tell anyone I was pregnant. I had my gynecologist order me the plan B pill. And I went through that horrible experience alone, no one knowing what U was going through, no one to lean on  because I was ashamed of myself.” “You shouldn’t be ashamed it sounds like you thought you were doing your best to protect yourself.” She said. “I was, I felt horrible, I never wanted to do that to another child again after experiencing the love and joy I felt as a mother, it was everything I always wanted. I think all of that combined made that time so much harder. I harbor way more guilt. I was not a teenager, I knew how these things happened! I don’t know, I just beat myself up about it all the time, quietly in my own mind, to myself.” 

“You have to begin to forgive yourself, you can’t keep beating yourself up. You made a mistake or maybe not, but it’s okay to forgive yourself.” Sharon was great at helping me see that I don’t have to feel guilty forever, at the same time it’s easier said than done. “How do I know if God will forgive me? It’s murder!?” Sharon continued. ”You can’t think that way if you believe in God, than you believe your sins have been forgiven. God sees your heart! Remember that!” I guess she was right? I thought. I need to try and forgive myself . At least I finally was able to tell someone, to quit suffering alone. Our time was up, I thanked her and exited the office. 

I’m left just wondering how does life turn out like this? Most of us start out wanting to be a good person and do everything right, but then; life happens, it’s like it happens before you know it, before you can stop it. There is no going back and changing it. We get one life only and it seems like no matter how hard we try, we can’t escape the adversity we are meant to face. All we can do is learn from the choices that lead us there, and keep moving forward.