Delilah in Bloom

"Shall we start at the beginning?" My therapist, Dr. Amy Carter situated her glasses on the bridge of her nose. Smoothened her crisp skirt, and sat opposite of me on the coffee colored chair.

"Can't I start at the end?" I humored, receiving a pointed look from her.

"Humor is a coping mechanism for you," She leaned forward with her elbows on her knees. "All of our past sessions are nothing. They mean nothing."

I had felt like the walls would close in with every tick of that damn clock on her desk. "How could they mean nothing if I told you everything?"

"But you told me nothing. You told me about your goldfish, the very first car you owned, and the trip to disney you took when you were in second grade." Her frustration was seeping through and I had hoped it would break her. She would take the contract and rip it up, freeing me from spilling my guts.

"Yes, all of that is very meaningful to me. Those were all key moments of my life. Isn't that something therapist care about?"

Dr. Carter closed her eyes. I watched in silence as she took small breaths, in and out, in and out. Her shoulders finally stilled and her eyes opened. "We can start at the end."

I pursed my lips, surely she wanted to know the full story. What's the use of starting where things ended? Dr. Carter sat back andher posture corrected to where her shoulders made 90° angles.

I slowly nodded and looked around the room, for me to begin, I needed to be focused on something that couldn't be moved. It has to be embedded into the wall or floor.

My eyes met the lamp fixed to the wall, a small glow emitting from it. I stared long enough for my vision to cloud, the light expanding, taking me back, back to the night I lived.

"My mother and I have always been rather close. We would spend the summers together, gardening, grocery shopping, and going on walks together.

My father and I aren't close. He spends most of his time with my younger brother, Joe. I mean it only makes sense for the two to bond over sports. Especially since I'm no athlete, him and I have nothing to talk about. I give him space and he gives me space.

My sister, she is older by four years...she is amazing. She is a go-getter, never holds herself back. I wish with every bone in my body I could be like her. I know I can."

"Are you envious of her success?" Dr. Carter's voice came from under water, muddying my thoughts.

"No." My lips felt dry as a huff of air left me. "I love her. I am proud of her. But it feels like they keep me where they are comfortable having me."

"Meaning?"

"You know, I was in my senior year of high school when the Coronavirus took center stage."

"That must have been difficult for you."

I chuckled, my eyes never leaving the lamp. "It was difficult for everyone on Earth. I'd be selfish to say it ruined my life. People died, it was difficult for those that lost family, friends, and loved ones."

"But it took a toll on everyone. Those that survived can experience guilt."

"You are getting ahead of yourself. I have experienced guilt, but not from the pandemic."

"Delilah, I want you to know that you have my full attention. Please feel free to continue on." Dr. Carter gently reminded this was my session.

"I was in my senior year of high school when the pandemic happened. The start of senior year was amazing. I was more lively, coming out of my shell. I figured I should go out with a bang. My parents and sister wanted me to apply to colleges in state.

I had other plans. Bigger and better plans for myself. I could see the doubt in the eyes when I told them I applied to one of the campuses for University of Pittsburgh. It was-is my dream school. I applied to many schools, mostly out of state, I had to get away. I felt like I would do something bad if I stayed in New Jersey."

"To others?" I kept silent and Dr. Carter got the memo, "To yourself." She voiced for confirmation.

My throat felt tight, like I was being clawed at from the inside. "Yes." I could hear the sound of pen against the clipboard. She was putting me as suicidal now. But that was then, so I kept going.

"I got into four out of five colleges I applied to. University of Pittsburgh Bradford campus accepted me and I was overcome with joy. Two weeks before the pandemic reached The States, my father and I went to tour the campus. I fell in love with it.

I had a plan. I would attend classes at the Bradford campus then transfer to the main campus in Pittsburgh. Even enroll in their study abroad program. Graduate with high honors, make friends, live abroad and teach english, leave..." My eyes burned as tears held within, "leave any pain behind."

"The pandemic shut down everything, but colleges were still open in the fall." Dr. Carter pointed out.

"Yes. I finished off my high school career online, waking at 8 am, eating breakfast, handing in the assignments for the day, logging off by 10 am, sleeping for an hour, then reading for the rest of the day. I couldn't go to work since it was shut down. I was already used to the life of being in lockdown, I lived like that all my life.

I went the whole summer knowing I was going to college in the fall, going to be a new me at Bradford. A week before I had to leave for school, my parents had sat me down. The school needed $9,000 upfront. We didn't have the money, My parents and sister they all knew I wouldn't be going. But they let me be delusional for a while."

"How did that make you feel?"

"I felt frustrated and betrayed. I had spent all of high school doing nothing but studying. I never partied, never drank, never even looked at drugs. My focus was only on college. Four years of constant hard work, was wasted for nothing. I became so sad. I unenrolled from University of Pitt and enrolled in my local community college the day before semester started.

I went into community college on zoom, I was depressed. The fighting between my parents and younger brother made things worse. I had mentally prepared myself to leave home and live alone. But here I was still in that shitty town. All my classmates that partied, broke laws, did drugs, and got shitty grades, went to colleges.

So why was it that I was alone." My voice cracked. Dr. Carter handed me a box of tissues, awaiting what I would say next.

"I tried the guidance counselors the community college offered. But she didn't help. I felt like I was annoying her and wasting her time based on the attitude she gave off. I prepared applications to transfer out."

I pulled a tissue from the box and balled it into my fist. "One night I overheard my sister talking to my mom. Saying: Delilah should look for a different college to apply to after two years. She won't be a good fit at Pitt. She isn't strong enough to go to a college out of state.

My mother had agreed! She agreed..." I shook my head. "How is it that they felt I wasn't strong enough. If they wouldn't let me show my full potential then what the fuck were they supposed to compare my strength to? My mother always made it clear that my sister and brother were the favorites.

That I could never live up to my sister's steps. But once again they were comparing my achievements in a town that is home to nearly 16,000 compared to a city with 300,000 people. There were more opportunities in the city.

To top it off everything is closed, I couldn't get a job, I didn't have a car. If you live in the suburbs without a car, you are relying only on ubers and carpool. I applied to Temple university next and got in. I was ready to move out after the end of my freshman year. Then the same shit happened. No money, no school."

"What about scholarships?"

"Ha! I applied to scholarships until my fingers bled from typing. I didn't get shit. So I was stuck at the community college for another year. I had one professor that made my time there happy. I had a 4.0 GPA, only received top marks and got Dean's list constantly. So I figured, I've got two years of college under my belt that I paid for out of pocket. No loans.

I can apply to the main campus for Pitt. No surprise that I got in. They gave me a scholarship, but this time Ellie didn't hold back."

"What did she say?" From the corner of my eye I could see Dr. Carter had the pen to paper ready for what I would say.

"She said, 'Pitt isn't for me. I won't be able to go. I would be selfish if I go there.' Basically telling me to burn my dreams and apply to in-state only. My mother wasn't impressed about my grades being higher than Ellie's. I was still lacking, my father wasn't paying attention to anything but my brother.

That night I had gone to my room and laid on the carpet. I cried silently, I was not frustrated, I wasn't mad. I just wanted to be over and done with this. I was fine with taking loans out for school if it meant I could be happy.

I had worked hard and felt like I should finally be able to get what I want. For this once I just wanted to be selfish. Then my parents were upset. Saying if I go to Pitt, my brother won't be able to go to a good basketball college. He still had years before he would go to college, and they were ready to throw me to the wolves for his happiness. Him! Like they wanted to skip over me."

I couldn't contain the pain I'd held in. "It didn't help that my brother was telling me I was a failure for living at home and going to community college. I didn't have a choice. If I had a choice I would be long gone."

"He really called you a failure?"

"Yes." I sniffled. "Nearly every day for the two years I was in community college. I already felt like shit. For someone I cared for to call me a failure made it worse. My parents never knew about it. I swallowed my pride and applied to the college I am in now. Basically got a full ride."

"That's wonderful!"

"The deal was if I got a full ride, I would move out, get a job, I had nearly $30,000 in savings for me to go. But my parents said I wasn't strong and ready to face the world. I tried fighting them about this, but in the end it came back to them saying I was being selfish."

"Had this deal been promised to you?"

"Yes, the only reason I applied to Rutgers was so I could move out. I felt that if I moved out my mental health would improve. I would have more freedom. But once again I was stuck at home. I was attending a college I didn't want, living in the town I hated, the internships I applied to ghosted me.

I didn't have enough experience. My mother wouldn't waste a second to say the Ellie got internships. But once again she was in a big city, able to network, living on her own. I was in the suburbs, no car, and working a part time while attending college. There was no competition.

There never was. If I ever tell Ellie about the internships I apply to she shoots down any hope I had. Saying that internships like those would never hire me. To look for something on a small scale.

If I am being told I'm selfish, not good enough, need to think small, then what the fuck am I expected to achieve!"

"It seems that these frustrations are all related to you letting others control your decisions. You do realize you have the final say, yes?"

"How can I possibly have the final say when they have rendered me to nothing. I am a shell of who I used to be. I was a bright bubbly young girl. Now I feel as I have lived long past my death date. Just scratching to keep afloat in this world when I have "

Dr. Carter put the clipboard aside and moved to the edge of her seat. "You have a voice. You are speaking to me now. Even if you couldn't speak you have resources that can be used to communicate. They may be limiting you, they had been doing so for years. Right?"

"Yes."

She sighed, "Then why must you limit yourself too? Family is important. But you, you are more important. Your feelings, your thoughts all matter. You are human, but you can do much more than others say you can. When you block out others input only then can you fully transform into a Delilah in full bloom."

I snorted, "That was corny."

"Yes." She laughed. "But it's true. If you remember my corny saying then it will help you in the future. When you leave this office and walk out that door, be in full bloom."