Happy Birthday

“Can we take a picture?” I asked. “Since we’re twinning and all.”

You agreed. No, you weren’t a celebrity or anything like that. You were my friend—I’d known you for almost a year and a half now. But in that time only two pictures were taken. If you only exclude the ones that [C] took on Friendsgiving.

Oh, right. You know nothing about that.

Even after I was over all of that… trying to think of a word that isn’t a cuss word.

Even after I was over all of that foolishness that a normal 13-year-old girl has, things still felt kind of awkward between us. At least, that’s how it was for me.

After the Prom Night in April, then your phone wallpaper in May, I knew I had to put things to an end. Then I stupidly spent the rest of my summer days wondering where it all went wrong since I realized that you were drifting from me.

Was it something I did?

Something I said?

What did I do wrong, am I annoying you?

I forced myself to get over all of those hopes of being with you and focus on reality. But I still wanted to be friends at least!

Little did I know, that last picture in October was the last time I was going to see you. In person. That was when I thought we were doing good.

September was great, I said hi to you. You said hi back. Then I said…

“Happy Birthday!”

A surprised look filled you face. “You remembered?” or “How did you know?” Something like that.

“You told me like a year ago.”

“Oh yeah… you got contacts too?”

“Yep!” Honestly, without you’re glasses, you’re eyes were super small. Made me smile. And since you were on the Serve Team, you had to go, y’know, serve. And when I went back to [K], I was so relieved.

Did you know how relieved I was?

Of course you didn’t. We didn’t know too much about each other anyways.

I spotted you and and your sister and your mom once on the weekend service. I went up to you guys. We said hi.

Your mom knew about me, and I knew about her. We’ve only spoken a few sentences to each other, but I’m sure she knows a lot about me. From what you’ve told her, at least.

She mentioned that day, “[You] told me you got contacts.”

“Yeah, I did.” You did. You told her a lot of things. It was funny—you quickly changed the subject by pointing to my name tag saying, “Woah, what’s that?”

“Oh, my name tag. I’m serving on the Kids Worship Team today. And I’ll be in [your sister]‘s class today too.”

She was so excited, and after a few minutes we parted ways. I was beaming—you two made me so happy. Even to this day, I still don’t know why.

Your sister told me lots of things. It gave me the slightest idea of what was going on behind the scenes. I literally did not know you had a piano, and I suspected that you were a gamer already. Didn’t really know how to react about you getting grounded almost all the time, so I just said, “Oh. Interesting.”

I think I had a catchphrase between you and me.

Tell Rae I said hi!

…

You didn’t have the greatest family relationship, that was for sure. But the way your sister talked about you… that warmed my heart.

Back to that day, when we were “twinning”… you said that you were moving. Out of the state. Again, how do you react to someone you care so deeply about moving away? And who knows when we were seeing each other again?

At the time, we weren’t as close as we used to be. But I knew you. You knew me. Things were… okay. And recently, your sister and I had talked about exchanged numbers. I asked you about that, since I never got any notifications on my phone.

“Oh… we were just confused, that’s all.”

Another thing about you, sometimes your words confused me. But I just went along with it anyways.

“Do you want to exchange numbers?” I asked. “Then you can see what your mom says.”

“Sure.”

Opening my notes, I had to admit I was excited for this. Now, even if we were separated, we could still talk and keep in touch. I wouldn’t have to worry about losing you…

“Hey, Siri. What’s my phone number?” The automated voice replied back as you showed me your phone. “I’m never going to remember that number…”

I shot you a text. But then we were late because we were both on the Serve Team that time, but we made it.

If only you knew.

If only you knew a lot of things.

And if only I had told you everything before.

What would it be like today?

Would you still be here?

Would you still have moved two states over?

Even so, would you text me still?

…

“Can we take a picture?” I asked a few weeks later. “Since we’re twinning and all.”

You shrugged and gave a demure smile. “Sure.”

I had my hair pulled back that day. That was before I got my hair cut—got it done a few months after you left. My big forehead was showing, with a badly curled strand falling down the side. And I’d only gotten my braces a few weeks before, and combined with the teal-colored brackets… I looked like Kari McKeen from the Incredibles.

But you…

You pulled out your smug-looking smirk.

Your eyes were still small as ever. But I’d gotten used to it by now.

Your hair was messy in the front, but it was alright.

Little did I know that was the last time I was going to see you in person.

…

You still have that one picture of us. From Friendsgiving. I still hope you have it, at least. Do you go back and remember us still? We’ve grown so much since we were thirteen. From those glasses to contacts. Your hair grew out, and I got my ends trimmed. My jacked up teeth were finally getting better. And I thought things would only get better from there.

But this wasn’t a story. This was… real.

Somehow I’d managed to go back to that childish state of mind. Where all things between us would be good. That’d we would stay friends for the longest time. I knew you, you knew me. I still stupidly held on to that stupid hope that one day… it would be still be us in the end.

…

You stopped coming after a while, and honestly I got confused. There were some weeks where I was there and you weren’t. You were there and I wasn’t. But… yeah.

So far, we had only had one conversation over text, including two messages each for some time.

I think I told you a joke. And you had a habit for not responding for a while, but then I finished it and you were there. Texting right after I did. It was nice—I got excited.

…

~Btw I’m serving this weekend so I can say hi to [R] and u

-Could u do me a favor next Wednesday

~Yeah ofc what’s up?

-Yk who [A] is?

~Yeah

-I wanna face time so I can say hi to both of y’all

-I’m already in a new state.

…

You moved without telling me. You didn’t even make an effort to say goodbye in person. Maybe it was because it all happened so fast but…

My heart sunk ever slightly.

I still agreed. What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t?

-Just call when you’re ready.

I tried that weekend. No answer.

That Wednesday, I checked if you still wanted to call. Read 30 minutes later—no answer.

Eight messages I was left on read. And it wasn’t until my friend texted you that you responded with an, lol Hello.

Then when I responded to you after that, why was I surprised? Left on read again. Now I’m just gonna say it.

It hurt like hell.

The feeling deep in my chest when I saw you holding hands with that other girl in April. The way my heart shattered to pieces when I saw your phone wallpaper in May—you resting your head on another girl’s shoulder. And in June, when you were hanging out with that girl that you had to have brought because I never saw her there again after that.

That feeling.

…

It consumed me again.

…

I only texted you one time after that. It was asking about your sister’s birthday. Man, I’d never seen your text messages so look darn dry.

A -no- and -ok I got it- was it.

Haven’t spoken to you in three months. Haven’t seen you in six months. Haven’t hugged you in over a year.

…

I’m okay now, if you’re wondering. I plan on only texting you again on your birthday, but that isn’t for a while now.

Real closure is being okay with unfinished endings, messy conclusions, and words left unsaid. And I am. If you happen to stumble upon this someday, I know you will know it’s about you. I still think and dream about you, but it doesn’t haunt me or leave me regretting anymore.

And frankly, things are going great for me now. I’m working on my career. Early, I know, but it’s been a dream of mine since I was ten. That’s something I never told you.

I got my hair cut, and my braces are working. It’s almost as good as new. That’s another thing I haven’t told you.

…

I miss you. A lot. I hope we can start over and make things right. That’s something… I’ll probably never tell you.

…

We’re not friends anymore. Neither are we enemies. We’re just strangers who just happened to share memories together. Lots and lots of good ones. Ones that I’ll remember forever, and remember the euphoric feeling that is part of the package deal. And yeah, I’ll remember the bad ones. The ones from my point of view when things went downhill. But it’ll only be reminders of how far I’ve come and how far I’ll go.

One thing I have told you, will tell you, and that I’m comfortable with telling you is…

Happy Birthday.

Tell Rae I said hi.