Finding Equanimity

The smell assaulted her before she ever reached the top of the stairs- old and musty. 

The property looked as if it had been deserted for ages but according to the attorney, it had been occupied until three weeks ago when her paternal grandfather died. The smell mixed with her uncertainty and disbelief was making her nauseous. Searching for courage, she stopped at the top of the stairs and turned back toward the driveway leaning on the porch rail. Looking over the front yard and into the field across the street, she saw rolling green hills as far as the eye could see. The land here was beautiful, peaceful. Her grandfather owned seven acres in Tennessee. She couldn’t remember ever seeing grass and trees and thinking they were beautiful, but this land was just that, beautiful. And apparently, it belonged to her now.

The attorney, David Emory, had called three days ago informing her of her grandfather's death, and that she was the only surviving heir. He had mentioned something about her name being different in the will, being Sarah Amanda Equanimity Evans instead of Sarah Amanda Evans and how it had taken time to verify her identity. She was reluctant to return his call and more reluctant to come here, to what might be revealed. 

She hadn’t known her grandfather nor her father. The one time she had asked, her mom had laughed hysterically “as if I know who your father is.” She never asked again. With the weird name discrepancy and the way she grew up, she doubted anyone could be certain that she was actually this man’s granddaughter but Mr. Emory had convinced her to at least come see the house. He explained there were pictures and an old computer left with the will and maybe seeing the pictures of her mom would ease her mind. He also emphasized the importance of her taking possession of the computer.

She had a feeling she wouldn’t be able to recognize her mom even if it was her in the photos. They had moved every couple of months growing up and with every move, they got new names and new stuff. They hardly had any possessions from that time, definitely no pictures. It used to bother her that she had no baby pictures, no childhood pictures of herself, but she eventually made herself stop thinking about it. She had worked hard to dig herself out of the chaotic, sometimes dangerous, life her mom had created for them and tried mercilessly not to let memories, or longings for a different childhood, all things she couldn’t control, distract her from her goals.There was nothing she could do about the past and nothing worthwhile to hold on to from it. 

Her phone pinged with a text from her mom. 

“Did you get there?”

Ping. 

“I don’t know why you’re doing this.” 

Another Ping, 

“Just call me”

She shoved the phone in her back pocket, not in the mood to deal with her mom right now. The slap of the screen door slamming behind her jolted her from her thoughts, making her squeal and stumble down the stairs as she turned. A strong arm, tattoos peeking beneath a dirty flannel shirt, grabbed her. This mountain of a man caught her, pulled her effortlessly to his chest and deposited her on the porch. He released her and stared down at her, face cold and hard. She stood and stared, mouth agape. His dark eyes pierced her as she marveled at his chiseled face. 

He crossed his arms over her chest, muscles bulging, “I didn’t mean to scare you but taking someone to the hospital was not on my list of things to do today.” he complained. 

His brows drew together and his voice grew gruff. 

He groaned, “Alright then, you can’t talk. I’m Luke. I live on the farm across the road. Mr. Emory told me you would be coming by this morning and asked me to make sure the place was safe and there were no… wild animals lurking about. I was expecting you hours ago but apparently ‘morning’ means something different for some folks” his eyes, cold and annoyed, slid down her body and back up before meeting her eyes.

 “I figured while I waited, I could help you out and get some cleaning done. Raymond was a nice man but since the accident, he’s really let the place go, even more since his Margaret passed. The community around here has really stepped in to help, you know, since he had no family that seemed to be concerned.” There was an accusatory bite in those last words that snapped her out of her trance. 

She emphasized the name when she responded, “Well, thanks a lot, Duke, for taking care of …Raymond, did you say his name was? That’s very kind of you and the community to rally around an elderly man in need. I mean, since you all knew him, unlike me.” 

She looked up into his cold face, her spine stiffening as flames filled her eyes. 

“And I apologize if you have been waiting, but I didn't make an arrangement with you, nor was I told of it. Mr. Emory gave me an address and told me the key would be under a frog. He didn’t mention there would be a jackass hanging around.” Luke laughed as he walked past her, close enough for her to smell the cologne buried under all the dirt. The smell awoke parts of her that had long been dormant. He pulled the screen door open and held it. 

“There are no animals or intruders left inside. You don’t know me, but I care and wouldn’t let you walk into something too dangerous.” 

Not knowing what else to do, she moved toward the door. When she was directly in front of him she stopped. 

“So, you care, Duke?”

He leaned closer, staring into her eyes, sending a fire through her. Her body reacted in spite of herself,  “Just so we’re clear, my name is Luke, not Duke. If you don’t want my help, I’ll just be on my way.”

 He stood tall and motioned his head toward the inside of the house, directing her to go in. She crossed her arms, standing on her tiptoes to get closer to him, she purred slowly, “Thanks for your help.” Straining even closer, so her lips were almost touching his, she whispered,  “Duke”. 

She turned and walked into the house as quickly as she could without it being obvious that she needed to distance herself from him. 

What was going on with her traitorous body? She did not react to men like this. She was calm, level-headed, practical. She wasn’t the type of woman to get hot and bothered over a stranger, but she knew that it wouldn’t take much convincing from him to have her losing control.  

She walked through the house, surprised by the contents. Based on the outside and the old smell, she was sure she was going to walk into a hoarder situation but that wasn’t the case. The decor was dated but nice. There wasn’t trash everywhere, but there were inches of dust on everything. Cobwebs crawled from the corners along the walls and ceiling. The smell hadn’t been from the mess she assumed was inside but from lifelessness. It smelled dead, not rotting death, but lifelessness. 

She turned down the hall on the left and surveyed the three bedrooms and bath. It was still surreal to think that she owned this house now, that she would be responsible for all of this stuff. 

She entered one of the bedrooms and examined the pictures lying around. They all centered around one young man, spanning several years, but stopping after high school it seemed. Was this her father, she wondered. She didn't even know about her mom's side of the family, certainly not this one. She had only accidentally found out her mom had a sister when she was fourteen. They had bumped into someone that had gone to school with her mom. The lady had asked about her sister and her mom had simply laughed, “She’s still Valerie”, then excused herself and walked away.  When they had gotten in the car to leave, she asked who Valerie was. “My sister” was all her mom had said before turning on the radio and singing along loudly, clearly refusing to say more. 

Next to the bed there was a heart shaped frame with the same guy and, her breath caught, her mom. There was no mistaking it. She grabbed her phone and snapped a picture “waste of my time huh?” She texted her mom, attaching the picture, then left the room slamming the door behind her. 

As she walked back toward the center of the home, she noticed Luke had not come in but was outside sitting on the steps. “Good”, she thought. She didn’t want anyone to see her like this, especially him. 

She passed through the living room to the other side of the house. The first door she opened revealed an empty room. Completely empty, not even dust or cobwebs. Weird, she thought. She closed the door and peered into the next room. This must have been the master bedroom. It was cleaner than the rest of the house. Not clean, but cleaner. 

Her eyes found the eyes of her mother staring at her from a large photo on the wall. With her mom was the man from the other photos and what she assumed were his parents. They looked happy. She walked to it, staring at the family. That’s what they looked like, a family. The old familiar ache pulled at her heart - family. She reached up to touch the man, her dad, when Luke said, “That’s Beau.” She jumped, pulling her hand back and spinning around. “Is it your mission to sneak up on strangers and scare them?” She huffed as she pushed past him and entered the room across the hall, ignoring his chuckle and trying to ignore the fireworks that went through her body as she had pressed against his to get by. 

“This was Raymond’s office. He was an architect.” Luke explained following her into the room. She surveyed the tidy room with models of buildings displayed along shelving and bookcases all over the room. They were impressive, nothing like she had ever seen before. 

  “Mr. Emory said to tell you he left the computer and photos he mentioned on the desk. That’s who I was talking to outside.” She hadn’t realized he had been on the phone. She had assumed he was giving her space, or he was trying to avoid her. 

She walked to the desk, Luke following her and sat as he pulled the chair out for her. She looked up at him. This man was a mystery, rough and rude, but also a gentleman. He stared back, eyes still cold, face of stone. She pulled up to the desk. 

Emptying the envelope, she found a copy of the will with a sticky note from Mr. Emory. She put it aside, upside down to hide it from the watchful eyes of Luke. There was a smaller envelope, that upon inspection, contained photos, some letters and newspaper articles. Again, she put them aside, wanting to be alone before she went through them. She looked over her shoulder up at the man hovering behind her. He met her eyes but didn’t take the hint that she wanted to be alone. 

“Do you mind?” She asked. 

“No, Go ahead” 

She rolled her eyes and opened the computer, noticing that it was plugged into a charger. The screen blinked on requiring a password.  She pushed her chair back, nearly running over the hovering giant and said, “I need to make a phone call.” 

She walked outside letting the screen door slam behind her. She walked to her car and leaned against the rear bumper taking several breaths. She considered calling her mother. Not for comfort or guidance but to complain about the mess she had put her in again, the pain she had caused again. She picked up the phone and started to dial but stopped, knowing it was pointless. Her mom wouldn’t tell her anything. Her mom did not care. 

She leaned over, putting her head into her hands and breathing deeply. 

“The computer is unlocked,” Luke said behind her.  She hadn’t even heard him come outside. 

She moaned as she straightened and pushed off the car. She didn’t speak to him as she stalked into the house and to the desk. She tried to calm her anger when she saw it was in fact unlocked. Her computer. The computer left to her, unlocked. She felt her grip of control loosening. She closed her eyes, chin dropping and took a deep breath. 

Slowly, ever so slowly, she opened her eyes, raised her head to peer at this stranger  who had followed her in and was standing behind her, this stranger who refused to leave her alone. She growled in a low, tight voice, “I need you to leave. Now. I need you to leave right now.” 

He held up both hands and retreated without saying a word. He left her alone, closing the door to the office behind him. 

She sat at the desk screaming inside at this man who wouldn’t leave her alone, putting passwords into computers, sneaking around scaring her, at her mom for keeping the knowledge of her father and grandparents from her, at her dad and grandparents for not caring enough to save her from her mom. She was emotionally exhausted. All the years of taking care of her mom, of trying to make new friends, then giving up completely on having friends. The years of reinventing herself and trying to maintain the illusion of who she had fashioned herself to be, trying to be normal. 

She did not want to deal with this. An inheritance from a man she knew nothing about, being forced to deal with abandonment issues and allllll the childhood trauma, the hot, judgemental neighbor who was making her feel things she didn’t want to. She never should have agreed to come here. An extra middle name, a lifeless house and an ancient computer - not what she was hoping for from an inheritance? 

She navigated to the documents folder and saw a file named ‘Equanimity’. A shiver went up her spine and the lights seemed to dim. She felt as if someone was watching her with bated breath, waiting on her to open the folder. 

She took a deep breath,deciding she needed some water before she dug in any further. When she walked into the kitchen Luke turned and smiled back at her from the open fridge he was cleaning out. That smile. Her knees almost buckled. 

She rolled her eyes, trying to hide her attraction and the relief that she wasn't alone. She was so tired of being alone, of being strong and doing everything herself. Noting her fallen face Luke grabbed a water bottle and handed it to her, his fingers sliding against her, locking eyes with her for a moment before stepping back abruptly. 

The abruptness of his retreat made her question, “How did you know the password to unlock the computer?” 

“Lucky guess.”

“You guessed your old neighbor’s computer password?” She took a long drink of the water and looked at him again, closely. Nothing about him screamed ‘farmer’ other than the flannel shirt and how that she was looking. It wasn't quite his size. She had noticed the closet door in the master bedroom was open. Could he have … no, she was being paranoid. It was all those years of her mother telling her she couldn’t trust anyone. 

Sensing the change in her, Luke said, “Raymond was great. He and Margaret were good neighbors, not just to me, but to everyone in town.” He paused.

“They were great,” he continued, “but they were not perfect. This family has secrets, dark secrets.” 

She stared, her mind trying to comprehend what he was saying, not sure if she wanted to hear more. 

“I can tell you don’t particularly want me around, but I knew them well. My dad and Beau were best friends before the accident. My dad has told me stories. Knowing what I know about them,” he paused, “Well, to be honest, you should be alone when you learn about them and what they left you.” 

I shouldn’t be alone when I learn about them and what they left me? Her mind raced. She should not have come here. Oh my gosh. Why did she come here? Something was off - way off. She felt dizzy. Did that water taste funny? She swayed and stepped back to head for the door. She was just going to leave. Go home. Forget all about this. She stumbled. Luke grabbed her and led her to the couch. She sat, dust flying through the air from the disruption.  

Her phone dinged with a text message. She pulled it from her back pocket to see a new text from her mom, “Whatever you do, don’t open the computer.” 

Everything went black.