Glimmer of Hope

Glimmer of Hope

By J. H. Watson

Sensitive content: physical abuse, childhood trauma

I squint my eyes as the blinding glare seeps through the corner of the blinds. A small frown gently leads to tiny, muffled sobs. I place my hands on my mouth to quiet them even more, afraid of awakening Leon. This morning, unfortunately, is no different from the rest.

After the bathroom regimen, I walk downstairs to begin the rest of the morning routine. As I round the corner to the kitchen, I put on the coffee for Leon and grab my fresh cucumber-beet-carrot juice from the fridge. Walking into the living room, I sit to watch the late news since we chose to sleep in.

A knock at the door startles me, as we were not expecting anyone today. I stand up, tighten the robe around my waist, and walk down the hallway. I shuffle my curls and open the door.

“Hello ma’am. I’m looking for Shayla,” said the handsome young man standing before me.

I shuffle my curls again, as I often do when I’m confused. “Yes, hello. I’m Shayla. May I help you?”

He stands there, still, almost stoic, the expression on his face startling me. My heartbeat was so loud I could not figure out whether to speak or slam the door shut. I muster up enough strength and part my lips to speak. But…I notice it. So small that the average person would have missed it, but, to me, it screams out like someone being pulled under waves by a rushing current. Exposed by the glare’s positioning, I notice the glimmer. He drops his head to wipe it before it falls and slowly lifts his face back up. As I look into his eyes, I see something else. Leon.

I grab my mouth with both hands, tears now streaming. “Shiloh?” I whisper. I close my eyes and fall to the ground. He drops to the ground with me and places his arms around me. My hands remain around my mouth, but the muffled sounds soon turn to soul-releasing sobs. I want to drop my hands to embrace him back, but I cannot muster the strength. I raise my face and meet his eyes once again. I instantly see the hurt. Pain. Confusion. But the glimmer reappears. Hope. I try to tell him he is so beautiful, but “Sorry” escapes first. The sobs return and I lower my head again.

I hear steps behind me. I try to stop crying so that I can help him understand. But it is no use. I cannot pull it together.

“What the hell is going on here? Shayla, who this boy?...What happened? Hey!”

Shiloh drops his embrace and begins standing up. I try, but the weight of the last few minutes is far too great.

“Hello, sir,” says Shiloh. He stretches out his hand to Leon.

“What’s going on here? Who are you?” says Leon, leaving the hand outstretched and alone.

“My name is Shiloh. I don’t really know what to say….uh…”

After gaining the strength to look up, I see Shiloh looking back at me. My eyes pivot and meet Leon’s. His countenance begins changing as his understanding opens.

“Shil…” his voice trails as he grabs his head and looks back at the boy. “But how? Wait. Wha…”

Finally able to push myself up, I attempt to get on my feet. Shiloh turns to help me. I look into his eyes more deeply and embrace him again. He holds me up as I walk to Leon.

“Shay, seriously. What is this?”

I look from Shiloh to Leon and back again. I cannot find the words to explain the culmination of the moment.

“Let’s just all go sit down,” I say as Shiloh helps me into the living room, with Leon trailing behind.

Once settled, I begin relaying the strange, horrid details that constructed this peculiar reality. I told Shiloh about finding out I was pregnant at fifteen and telling Leon. How scared we were and not having a clue about what to do. How Leon told his parents, the Greens, first because he, too, was a surprise teenage baby, laying the foundation of a half-century-long union filled with happiness and love. How optimistic we were that our story could mirror theirs. How disappointed but supportive Leon’s parents had been. How the comfort we felt as Leon’s parents accompanied us to tell my parents was quickly shattered at my parents’ responses. How my father yelled at Leon and Leon’s father and how my mother backhanded me. How I held my face in astonishment, not saying a single word. How the disheartened Greens left my house with a tearful Leon in tow. And how that was the last time I saw Leon for almost twenty years.

Leon, who had been looking at the ground during the recitation of the past, slowly raises his head, his eyes locking with mine and then Shiloh’s…then back to mine. Tears streaming down his face, his countenance changes from sadness to confusion to anger.

“You….” he says, trying to catch his breath. “You told me…..How could you?” He sobs harder.

Shiloh turned to me. “Shayla?”

Wanting to hide myself away, I cover my face with my hands. “I’m so sorry, Leon. I apologize to you too, Shiloh. I had no choice. I was only a kid.”

Leon, composing himself enough to speak, turns to Shiloh. “She told me you…died…..stillborn. All these years, I ain’t know nothing…..I just can’t…,” he says, wincing and grabbing his chest. “You lied to me, Shay. Why?”

“We were only kids, Leon. My parents made me,” I said breathily. “You know I didn’t want to, but they made me. You know if I had a choice I would’ve kept ‘em. You know I would’ve.” I turned to Shiloh. “I’ve always loved you, Shiloh. From the time I knew you were in my belly.” My tears streamed faster.

“That’s not the point, Shay. You could’ve told me the truth. You didn’t have to lie to me. It was twenty years later! What difference did it then?”

“I was so ashamed, Leon. I never told nobody. My parents sent me away to my aunt’s. No one even knew I was pregnant. When some of my family members found out years later, that was the story my parents told everybody. I hated them for it, but it was easier to go along with it than to tell the truth.”

“But it was me, Shay. Me? You couldn’t trust me with the truth?”

The look in his eyes melts my entire soul. I move closer to him and grab his hand. Noticing his refusal to look at me, I take his face into my hands. “Of course I could’ve trusted you, Le. I just think I heard it so much, I started believing it. I never meant to hurt you, and I’ve carried that guilt all this time. So many times I wanted to tell you the truth. So many times. But it never felt like the right time.”

His tears water my hands. He grabs me around the waist and sobs. Looking up at Shiloh, I see him crying uncontrollably too. I want to go over and console him, my son, but the child in Leon needs me more. I know this release represents far more than my betrayal. A deep, dark place is being exposed to the light, ultimately purging and healing him within. As hard as it is to see, I know it is necessary. I wonder if the quick wince that covers his face when hearing someone we know is pregnant with a boy will disappear forever. I wonder if he will actually be able to smile with everyone else when hearing the news now. I wonder if he will finally let go of the regret of not having children that he always denies but I know is there. I wonder if our lives will feel more like living and less like existing.

Shiloh stands up and sits on Leon’s other side. He embraces Leon and shocks him in the process. Leon lets go of me and embraces Shiloh, his son.

“My boy,” he whispers behind sobs. His chant slowly becomes louder and louder. “My boy, my BOY, my BOY, MY BOY, MY BOY!”

“My dad, my dad, my dad,” Shiloh chants simultaneously, all in low cries.

They cry, chant, and rock back and forth, the sound swaying in the rhythm of their bodies. Taking in the scene, I realize it is the most beautiful sound I have ever heard.

“brrrnnnnggg, brnnnngggg.” The worst sound I have ever heard.

As I open my eyes, the blinding glare seeps through the corner of the blinds. My eyes fill with tears, which I quickly wipe away. I hit snooze and close my eyes, frantically trying to recover my dream. I try slow, concentrated breaths. I try reciting prayers. All to no avail.

“brrrnnnnggg, brnnnngggg.” The worst sound I have ever heard once again alerts me to my present reality. A small frown gently leads to tiny, muffled sobs. I place my hands on my mouth to quiet them even more, afraid of awakening Leon. I gather myself and head for the bathroom. As I look in the mirror, I look at myself. Not the regular morning glance, but I really look at myself. Deeply. I decide that this day can be different from the rest. I decide that today will be the day I tell him the truth. I think I definitely will. When the time is right.