Friends don't learn family secrets unless you spill them

There’s a certain level of mystery that’s inherent to college friendships - unlike high school, you’re not returning home nightly to face whatever family drama you live with. Which means that whatever you left home to escape from, your new friends aren't aware of. They learn to like whoever you are, independent from your family of origin. People defined themselves by what they studied or what dorm they lived in. So when Phoenix noticed Eli had been behaving weirdly after break, Phoenix had no way of knowing what exactly his friend had dealt with, even though he knew Eli relatively well, having been friends for around six months. Phoenix had been open about why he couldn't return home for break, stuck living on campus and having groceries delivered. Eli hadn't been, just stating he was returning to his family and changing the subject before anyone could ask if he was looking forward to returning. 

Whether you’re dodging phone calls from passive aggressive parents or entirely forgotten as soon as you left home like a bird ejected from the nest, whether your parents are like Eli’s or Phoenix’s, you don’t have to share that with your friends. Phoenix was happy to complain about his parents all too often forgetting they had a child entirely. 

But Eli didn’t complain about his family. He lost himself in the freedom of being freed from familial expectations, lost the definition of who he was when at home in favor of being the botany major, the plant guy, and by the time break rolled around, he had forgotten just what had brought him to an entirely different country. Maybe Eli just didn’t want to acknowledge it when he was away, elsewhere, when he didn’t have to. Still, Eli returned home, always loyal to the parents who gave him that freedom and only asked for the same things they had asked for when Eli lived there permanently. 

Eli thought he would be a laughingstock if his friends knew. Half of them were psychology majors, and jokes about Freud were commonplace, nevermind the complaints about anime using incest as a cheap plot point. Incest was a joke. Eli couldn’t talk about it, but his silence spoke as well, telling his friends something had happened over break, just not what. Still, Eli couldn’t shut up when the topic returned, as it often did, to Freud. 

“It’s pretty obvious Sigmund didn’t have siblings, y’know.”

“What, otherwise he’d have his brother be in love with his mom, instead of himself?”

“Yeah, or maybe he’d be in love with his sister instead of his mom!” Laughter surrounded the table, Eli’s silence again announcing his discomfort with the topic. In love with, yeah, sure, Eli’s memory drifted to one far too recent, his mom's voice echoing in his head:

“This is what you do when you love someone. You help them out when they're struggling. Jake's been struggling without you, so now that you're home, you need to help. You love your brother, don’t you?” Mom had chided Eli, passive aggressive as always. 

“Eli?” Phoenix interrupted Eli’s flashback.

“What, you feeling sorry for Freud?”

“Nah, more for his hypothetical sister. Just getting tired, might head back to my room for a nap.”

“Alright, enjoy!” Eli left the group of his three friends. Indeed, he was tired, but he had a suspicion sleeping would result in nightmares like they had last night. Sometimes the nightmares involved his friends in the place of his brother, which Eli didn't want to risk, so instead he rewatched videos on YouTube drama that didn't matter to his life.

Eli lost himself in the drama, tangentially related to his problems but not the way his friends’ jokes were. Just, the whole ‘power dynamics’ thing. Still, he wouldn't be stupid enough to trust someone twice his age the way certain fans did. He wouldn't be the type of person who chose to court fans, if he ever got famous. 

Apparently, however, one of his friends had put their psychology major to good use - Phoenix texted Eli just as the video on certain allegations ended. Hey, you seemed uncomfortable at lunch today. Is everything OK?

Eli thought about sending just an emoji, staying alone and silent the way he knew he was supposed to when dealing with this, but he was tired. Phoenix was a good friend, the type that sometimes broke through the group's jokes to remind everyone that real people also sometimes dealt with stuff, albeit usually when the topic was something like psychosis, but occasionally also the anime conversations. 

Just going through some shit - you open to hearing about some super fucked up family stuff? Eli texted back, giving Phoenix an opportunity to say no. He had been Too Much in high school, and Eli didn't want to jeopardize his friendships in university the same way. Sure, Phoenix didn't know Eli's family, so on some level confiding was safer… and Phoenix sent back a thumbs-up emoji. Have I told you I have a brother?

You might’ve mentioned it, idr.

Well, I do. And - it's like what we were joking about at lunch, only more complicated because my brother is severely intellectually disabled so he doesn't have the impulse control we do, he doesn't know anything he's doing is wrong.

What's he doing? Phoenix texted, a sinking sensation in his gut that something was horribly wrong with Eli’s family.

It's my job as his younger brother to ‘help’ Jake deal with his feelings. Feelings like the ones Freud describes

Murderous impulses? Phoenix texted, almost immediately regretting it as he did so. Phoenix didn't know how to deal with this, though, and delaying the inevitable reveal at least gave him time to Google something more useful to say. 

Eli read that reply: Murderous impulses? and decided to just scream into his pillow. Phoenix was really going to make him spell it out, wasn't he? At least Eli wasn't having this conversation in person, he thought to himself as he typed and deleted answers. Eventually Eli decided on something simple. No, I wish. I think you know what I meant.

I did, I just didn't want to acknowledge it because IDK what to do with this information

I get it. Idk what to do n I'm the one living it.

Just, is it just that he wants you that way, or?

No, my parents make me sit there when he starts touching me or himself or making me touch him… 

That's super fucked up

Ikr

I'm sorry they do that to you

Thanks. That's all I've really wanted this past week was someone to tell me they're wrong, that this isn't my responsibility because when I'm at home it feels like it is

That's not your responsibility, Eli. If someone had to help your brother out that way, why couldn't one of your parents do it?

Because Jake doesn't get excited by them that way

Well just because he feels excited doesn't mean he has to act on that feeling, and your parents are failing both of you by letting this happen

Maybe. IDK. Thanks for being so not freaked out by this

Np. Phoenix had thought he knew Eli, and he was right. He just knew his friend better now, knew why Eli avoided talking about his family, knew why Eli went quiet when conversations began involving sex. And if Phoenix changed the subject when he saw Eli getting quiet that way, if he offered to invite Eli to stay with him for part of the summer so Eli didn't have to go home, well, that was the benefit of having a friend know what you went home to.