Nothing. Then Everything

Nothing.

Nothing is left.

Nothing but empty promises.

Actually, not even empty promises because that denotes they could be filled again like an empty water bottle. But if the water bottle doesn’t exist, then you have nothing to put water in. I have nothing to put promises in. The person who held those promises no longer exists.

Lachlan no longer exists, he is nothing.

I kneel in the apartment we shared, the place that held the memories of our lives becoming entwined forever. At least that is what he told me, forever.

Now, it’s nothing.

I have been kneeling for so long that my legs are numb and I know that when I stand up, I will almost black out, all the blood rushing to my poor legs. So, I stay here. I stay on my knees allowing the numbness to encase my heart. It will feel better than the pain and the betrayal because he did say forever.

He promised forever.

When I first entered this desolate apartment, the sun was barely shining from the east into the south windows, windows that once held my plants. Lachlan would always complain that they took all the sun, leaving none for him. I would tell him to go outside if he wanted some sun, and he would laugh and point to himself as if saying, I am pale and I will melt. I would laugh and shake my head while adding another plant to sit by the enormous monstera which we bought as a housewarming gift to ourselves.

I wonder what happened to it...

Now the sun shines from the west, a sliver of sunlight stretching across the wood floor. Dust particles float in the sunbeams. Distantly, I think, the sun moved while I did not. The world moved and continued and grew and laughed and sang and prospered while I DID NOT!

I did not.

I continue to kneel the act now turning into a sort of twisted penance. I used to be a religious person, pouring my heart and soul into something that promised exaltation. Promised, love and happiness, all for the small price of my soul. It sold me lies and I believed them all.

“For the Lord is good; his mercy is everlasting; and his truth endureth to all generations.”

The Bible verse that my mother would recite to me each night lingers in my memory. Threatening to bring more and more memories to this moment.

A door slams across the hall stopping the barrage of lies that religion preaches. I let out a sigh, allowing myself to feel a bit grateful for the noise. I do not move though, I stay on my knees with my eyes on the sunbeams.

Because of Lachlan, I left religion behind. It was the first time in my life that I made a decision without asking God first. I chose to go out with a man I met on a street corner. That street corner still exists. The light pole he used to steady himself while I misstepped and fell into him, still exists. I would not be surprised if the rat that crossed our path still exists. Those motherfuckers never die.

But Lachlan doesn’t exist; Lachlan died.

I let my mind empty again and let it go to a place where I don’t notice my back aching and my knees getting bruised. I notice nothing.

The neighbor who left hours ago must’ve come back home because the loud slam of the door brings me back to the apartment. It’s twilight now, I no longer see colors, just shades of grey. I know that any minute now the Super is going to come and barge in, demanding the key and for me to leave. But I don’t move. How can I move when Lachlan can’t?

A single tear falls down my face, the first tear I have shed for him. I haven’t allowed myself to feel, to break apart, to let any emotion in because who is there to pick up the pieces? Who is there to make sure I can come back from the abyss that is my soul? Lachlan took it. He took so much of me, if I succumb to the emotion, if I let myself go, will anything be left?

Another tear falls down my face.

And another.

My face is wet.

Water falls from my eyes, the shades of grey have a

watercolor look to them and I can’t distinguish anything. A loud knock on the door makes me gasp and my heart race. Feeling and

emotions break through the fragile hold I have on my own life.

“Valerie! I need the key back, honey.” His voice is tender and understanding. I can’t answer him though. Slowly, he turns the handle and opens the door, and shakes his head. I just look at him, unable to move or speak.

“How long have you been kneeling there?” He comes and kneels beside me and puts his old hairy grandfatherly arm around me and pulls me into a hug. I let go. I let everything go and I clench to his shirt and sob into him. The movement causes my legs to scream at me, all the blood vessels awaking and I cry harder. Because Lachlan won't ever feel this either.

The pain of sleeping limbs.

“Val, shhhhh, I'm here.” He slowly rubs circles on my back, so comforting that I sob harder, letting the weeks of missing Lachlan go. I had no one to comfort me and here, my Super, he's the one doing it. This grumpy old man who would never smile is here comforting me, who isn’t even his tenet anymore.

“Let it all go. Don’t hold it in anymore.” He holds me tighter sensing that I'm breaking. Breaking into the million little pieces that Lachlan now is. I continued to hold onto him. Afraid that if I let go, I would never come back from this place.

It's finally dark when I calm down. I shifted to my butt during my meltdown and the feeling returned to my legs. My back still ached but I could stand without passing out now. The Super left the door open and the hall light lit his features. He's scowling but a kindness shines through his eyes.

“Are you gonna be ok?” He asks. I nod and wipe away tears and snot with the bottom of my shirt, Lachlan’s shirt.

“Good.” He gets up stiffly and holds out a hand to me. I take it gratefully, allowing him to support me a bit more.

“I found this.”

He hands me a photo of me and Lachlan laughing in front of the building, both of us wet and muddy. The Super wouldn’t let us come in because he just had the floors cleaned. He wanted us to stay out there until we dried off. But it was raining so hard that it wouldn’t be possible. Lachlan made a deal with the Super that if he let us in, he would reclean the floors. He also told him to take a picture of them so Lachlan knew how clean they were. I forgot that he took one of us too.

“He will never be gone.”

The Super kisses the top of my head and walks out.

“Come now, I will make you dinner and you tell me more about that man. He never did clean up those floors.”

I laughed, surprising myself, and followed the Super out of the apartment Lachlan and I shared.