The Forsaken

Sherrie sat in the employee cafeteria on a hard plastic chair, unwrapping a soggy tuna sandwich — one that she had no appetite for whatsoever. She gave a deep sigh, before admitting defeat and returning the sandwich to its cellophane wrapper. She couldn’t eat it. Her stomach was in knots. 

Her physical state mirrored her emotions. She was despondent and stuck in a funk. She hadn’t heard from her boyfriend all week. That was highly unusual. Not only did they work in the same building, but they also ate lunch together everyday in this very spot. She should right now be sitting across from Carl, happily munching on her sandwich, talking lightly to him as she stared into his warm brown eyes. She missed seeing those eyes, missed hearing his gravelly voice.

Not only did she normally see Carl everyday at work, but he also never failed to call or text her in the evening just to wish her sweet dreams. They were definitely in the honeymoon phase of their romance where they couldn’t get enough of each other. As in most cases, that phase would probably rapidly wear off when they discovered each other’s flaws and quirks, but for now, she was enjoying it. And she mistakenly thought that Carl felt the same way. At least he had always acted like it. 

She hadn’t heard from him now in five days. It was uncharacteristic of him to ghost her. Something had to be going on. She always suspected that he had some deep, dark secret that he was keeping from her. Had his past finally caught up with him? Had he returned to his previous life and girlfriend – that girlfriend named Carrie who seemed to have brought him so much pain? Had he and Carrie overcome the obstacle that had derailed their ill fated romance? Did that mean she, Sherrie, was now history? Was Carl just too chicken to admit it? Not man enough to tell her? It wouldn’t be the first time that a new girlfriend was sent packing in favor of an old one. Those things happened. Maybe she should just suck it up, be a grown up about it, admit defeat, and move on.

If only it were that easy. She couldn’t even eat her sandwich. Instead, the only thing she was swallowing was a huge lump in her throat, a lump that had somehow morphed into a giant ball of pain that was now spreading all throughout her body, starting at the top of her head and targeting each nerve ending all the way down to her feet. Somehow emotional pain always manifested itself physically in her. She knew she was a sensitive individual, both emotionally and physically. The therapist she had been seeing throughout her divorce had told her that. Being sensitive, Sherrie felt things more deeply than most people. Little things that wouldn’t bother most people caused her undue pain. It didn’t make her weak. It just made her different.

Nevertheless, this feeling was ridiculous. Enough was enough. It was no time to wallow in self pity. She needed action and clarity. Resolution. She needed to know exactly where she stood in their relationship. She and Carl had become too close. Although they hadn’t known each other all that long, they had come too far together for him to simply walk away from her without a single word of explanation. He owed her that much. 

Of course, she had already contacted him electronically in every way possible – his cell phone, home and work email, even instant messenger through their shared Teams office application. She discovered through the office grapevine that he hadn’t been to work all week. Nor, had he even called or texted his boss or colleagues to explain his absence. If he kept it up, he might soon find himself fired. What was going on with him? It was one thing to ghost his girlfriend, but to ghost his employer too? That was just crazy. Didn’t he care about his job? 

Carl had been acting strangely ever since their date on the previous Friday. He had acted nervous that night. Something clearly had been bothering him. Some sort of problem that he couldn’t handle. His face had turned uncharacteristically white during their date, and she could have sworn his hands were shaking as they sat together in a trendy restaurant sipping their drinks – margarita for her, beer for him. His demeanor had changed right after a stranger had walked past them in the restaurant, the stranger stopping at their table and claiming that he couldn’t get cell service. The whole encounter with the stranger had been awkward and unsettling.

When they finally left the restaurant, she thought that they were going straight to his apartment. That had been the plan. She had even packed her overnight bag. It was an unspoken agreement that they were going to spend the night together. They stole moments to be alone whenever they were able, on those weekends when she didn’t have her kids. She found their romance undeniably exciting and cherished their time together. She had always thought Carl felt the same way. At that last minute, as they drove away, however, Carl had taken a detour through an unfamiliar neighborhood. Unlike most nights when he couldn’t wait to get her alone, he had been in no hurry to get home. 

When she asked why he was taking such a circuitous route, he told her that he had thought he had seen a cop and didn’t want to get pulled over since he had been drinking. The strange part was Sherrie didn’t think he had been drinking that much – just one or two beers at the most. Carl was a big man, and he had been eating a lot that night. He liked the chicken wings at the restaurant and had eaten many, before he seemed to shut down and act all funny. Nevertheless, a few beers surely shouldn’t have affected him in the slightest. No, it had to be something else.

Sherrie didn’t know whether to be mad at him or worried. Giving up on trying to eat lunch, she stepped out of the cafeteria and headed outside towards the parking lot. Pulling her keys out, she unlocked her car and stepped inside. As she sat down, she called Carl one more time on her cell phone. She had called him several times already. She didn’t want to act like a pathetic, lovelorn fool, or some kind of stalker, but she couldn’t help herself. Once again, her call went straight to voicemail.

Feeling frustrated, she left him yet another message. 

“Carl? This is Sherrie. I haven’t heard from you all week. I’m worried about you. I’m worried about us. Please give me a call. I need to know you’re alright.” She paused for a moment, her voice faltering, “Please . . . call me. Ok. Bye.” 

Finally, she disconnected the call, feeling her last tenuous connection to Carl rapidly disappearing. 

That evening as she sat on the couch in her living room, after her kids had gone to bed, her thoughts continued to swirl. She had not stopped thinking about Carl all day. She had gone through the motions of her day mechanically, trying desperately not to feel.

She simply couldn’t call him again. She had already called him way too many times. He had yet to respond. Not knowing what else to do, she logged into her email. Although he shunned social media, Carl did have an email address. He often sent her funny things he stumbled across while online or links to videos and music she might enjoy. Maybe he would try to contact her. Would she be getting a “Dear Jane” letter in her email? She couldn’t help but wonder.

She scrolled through her in-box. She seemed to get a lot of junk emails. She usually deleted them without even reading them. Rarely, did she get any personal correspondence. All at once, she felt her heart skip a beat when she spotted an email from Carl. “Hello” was the subject line. She quickly clicked on the message and began to read.

Hi, Sherrie. You are probably wondering where I am and why you haven’t heard from me in a few days. I wish I had an easy answer. It’s complicated.

You always called me a Mystery Man. Well, you were right. I do have a past and a secret that I’m keeping from you. It’s not that I don’t want to tell you. I’ve often wanted to spill my guts to you, so very many times. I just couldn’t, however. Both for your safety and for mine. I am still faced with that dilemma.

Before I get into all that, let me start by saying that I am in love with you. You should know that. I am not just playing around. I wasn’t expecting to fall in love. No, I was not expecting that, not at all, never in a million years. I never thought I would meet someone like you and fall in love. You are very special to me. It is my deepest wish not to hurt you. That’s why I thought it would be better if I moved on. I never want to put you in any danger, or to drag you into my messed up life.

I know I still haven’t given you any answers. It’s hard for me to crystallize my situation in one message. I wish we were talking face to face. I wish I could stare into your beautiful blue eyes and hold you tightly while telling you my life's story. You are always so gentle, kind and understanding. You have been my soft place to land so very many times. I don’t know how I could have gotten through these last few months without you. Please know that I am forever grateful for your love and support. I don’t deserve you. I wish for you whatever good things life has to offer, but I don’t think I’m it. I want to be fair to you.

This is all so very hard. I know I am losing you, but leaving is the only thing I can do to keep you safe. You see, I have done many bad things in the past. I moved to Illinois to get a fresh start, to escape my crimes. I did some things that I’m not proud of. Criminal things that I could have been prosecuted for. This was long before I met you, of course. To get out of prison time, I struck a deal. I am in the witness protection program. My real name’s not even Carl. I would tell you my real name, but you’re better off not knowing who I am, for your own safety. I am so very sorry to do this to you. I was lying to you from the very start, and that’s no foundation for a relationship. You deserve better than a criminal on the run.

I thought I could get away with it. To have a new life with a wonderful person. You. But maybe the past catching up with me is because it wasn’t meant to be. It’s not fair to you. You don’t even know who I really am. It was a lie, right from the very start. But just know the most genuine part of me is the part that is love with you. That is not a lie. It’s real. 100 percent. I love you.

I am sorry for this rambling message. I am not the best letter writer. My thoughts are a jumble right now, and my heart is full of pain. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. It's killing me right now to know that you probably either are missing me or hate my guts. I know I owe you an explanation. So here it is. 

Last Friday, when we were in the restaurant, I thought I saw a man from my past. I can’t afford to be recognized by the bad people that were once in my life. And I can’t put you in that danger. So, I am doing the only thing I know how to do. I am running away.

I am now far away. A place where hopefully no one can find me. I wish I could bring you with me, but I know that’s not meant to be. You have a family, a life, and a world that is not mine. I would never take that away from you or ask you to give anything up for me. I know how much you love your kids. I guess we can’t have everything in life. I truly hate saying that, but it’s the truth. 

Please know that I am so very sorry to have caused you pain. I love you so much. I miss you. I don’t know if I ever will see you again, but I will carry you with me in my heart wherever I go. Please keep being the truly special, wonderful person you are. Don’t ever change, Sherrie. I never want to imagine the light ever going out of your eyes.

I don’t know if you will ever hear from me again, but just know that I love you. I hold you deep in my heart and think of you everyday. 

Know that even if I was a bad guy in the past, I will never be that guy again. You changed me, made me into a better person. I owe you my life and my love. I am in touch with law enforcement and they know where I am. I am safe and I am trying to do the right thing. The right thing is the hardest thing, however. I can’t jeopardize you by dragging you into my world. It’s a matter of life and death. There are some very scary, dangerous people out there who wish to do me and anyone around me harm. I need to keep you safe.

Thank you again for giving me your love. I will always treasure our time together. I truly love you and miss you everyday. Goodbye.

Sherrie felt her eyes welling up. The lump in her throat was still there, now larger than ever. When the tears finally fell, it didn’t seem to help. They were not gentle, cleansing tears, but the hot, hurting kind. A myriad of emotions flooded her brain. She didn’t know whether to be angry, sad, or scared. She was feeling everything at once. It was too much, and she almost found herself hyperventilating.

Carl, or whatever his name really was, was hers no longer. It was beautiful while it lasted. Out of everything he had said in his letter, she held onto one lone, genuine truth. She needed something to cling to. It was the only way to cope.

He loved her. She knew that part was real, without a doubt. She had felt it. But like a shooting star that lights up the sky for one brief beautiful moment, he had rapidly disappeared from her life, leaving nothing behind but the faint lingering traces of once brilliant light. She slowly got up off the couch and turned off the light, moving like an old woman. Slipping into bed, she said a desperate prayer, trying to overcome her feelings of hurt and anger. The hot tears had finally, mercifully subsided and now just ran gently down her cheeks. 

Cry me a river and I will float away. She took a shuddering breath. Please God, keep him safe.