Technomancer 12: To be Alone

What do we do now? Arion’s words echoed in Masa’s mind, repeating themselves. They invaded her thoughts while she escaped from Arion at the table, seeking out the backseat of one of the many cars in her mother’s mechanic’s shop. His looks of longing spoke of what he wanted. Go to sleep, she had told him flatly, before escaping and staggering towards one of the nearby vehicles and collapsing in the back seat. She lay on the leather, the smell of grease permeating her nose, and worrying about whether he would still come after her. Her heart began to race and she locked the doors in fear. It took her a long time to fall asleep. The trouble was she longed to be held but not by him.

She woke to the light streaming in through the tiny windows lining the top of the mechanic’s shop. Dust particles drifted above her from tossing and turning on the duty seat. She coughed, clearing her throat, and sat up. Pain moved through her back and the muscles pulled as she sat up.

Arion appeared and knocked on the window.

Masa jumped, afraid of what he had to say. Hesitantly, she opened the door. “What do you need?”

“Your mother has made us breakfast.”

“Oh.” Masa followed him back to the table and sat down to eggs, bacon, and more. “Where did you get all this?”

“Those farmers looking for an alternative fuel source,” her mother replied, picking at her scrambled eggs. “I eat very well.”

“I’m sure,” muttered Arion. The anger in his eyes spoke of how he felt about that. The Monterrey Group had starved and her mother was profiting from the current desperation of the people in Laredo. He needed to move past it. They needed her help, though she supposed they could always head north just the two of them. The hair stood up on the back of her neck. No, being alone with Arion for a week in the desert would not be ideal. She would only seek that option if no other were available.

Masa wolfed down the eggs and more, not listening while Arion and her mother spoke about the logistics of the journey north. Each time they came to the market, they would stay with her mother and help her work on her alternative fuel. The journey north would be completed once it was successful and her mother would give her a vehicle.

“We’ll need to get back to the camp. The others must be worrying about us,” Arion said, standing and giving her mother a nod.

“Let me give my girl a hug,” her mother said, approaching her, arms wide.

Masa backed away and her mother frowned. “It’s not personal. I just don’t know you.”

Her mother nodded. “I’ll see you when you collect supplies next,” she said, “I know I’m close to a breakthrough.”

“I appreciate the help,” Masa said, following Arion through the door. He picked up the handcart and they began following the route her mother had led them through the night before. Now that it was day, the homeless lined the alleyways, keeping cool in the shade. The smell of rancid pee was everywhere and the heat from the Texas air quickly warmed her skin. The cart squealed as they walked along in silence.

“I sought you out last night,” Arion began. “The doors were locked.”

“You know why.”

“You’re not the only one who is feeling alone.”

Masa began to feel sorry for him. Her time alone in what remained of the prepper camp and then as she crossed the mountains to Monterrey had left her with a fear of being alone. This fear had driven her to stay within the group's distance, and why she had latched on to Leron. “I’m sorry. I know better than anyone what being alone is like,” muttered Masa as she told him about her journey to Monterrey. I hope you find someone truly special one day.”

“If we don’t find Leron, will you consider me then?”

Sighing, Masa met his gaze with a smile, “Perhaps.” It would certainly be better than being alone.

A cry filled the air. The closer they moved towards the onramp, the louder it became. “What is that?” she asked. “Is that a fox?”

“No. No, I don’t think so.” Arion dropped the cart and made for the other side of the onramp in a rush. Masa chased after him, hesitant as her thoughts traveled toward the supplies in their handcart. In the shadows on the other side of the onramp was a little girl. The girl who appeared no more than three wailed, tears streaming down her red-rimmed eyes as she crouched beside a still figure surrounded by bags.

Masa rushed over to the child, picking her up and rocking her. “It will be alright.”

“Momma won’t wake up,” she whimpered, burying her head in Masa’s shoulder.

“There, there. My friend Arion will find out why.”

“Hold on,” he said and lifted the blankets over the figure and sighed, hanging his head. “The woman she was with is dead.”

“Dead….” wailed the little girl and she burst into a fresh set of tears.

“I think we should take her with us,” Masa said.

“And do what? Neither of us knows anything about children,” he grumbled, “We could take her back to your mother.”

“No,” she snapped. The sound of her voice echoing beneath the bridge. Arion held up his hands and backed off, shaking his head. “What’s your name?” Masa asked.

“Sara.”

“Well Sara, we can’t do much for your Mommy….” she paused, trying to think of the stories her father told her about her mother running off and the exciting places he had told her she went. None of them were true. Why didn’t I see that sooner? The entire time her mother had searched for her, working as a mechanic in Laredo. “Your Mommy is with the angels, far away. She’s flying with them.” The hand cart squeaked up behind her and she knew Arion was listening. “And one day you will see her again, but until that day comes, you can stay with me and my friends. We have lots of good food, warm fires, and sometimes we sing.”

“You sing?”

“Not very well,” Masa admitted, “The other women sing much better than I do.”

“I don’t know about that,” said Arion, “I like the way you sing. There are lots of other children there to play with too.”

The little girl giggled, her tears drying up. She wiped them away with her hand and a smile formed on her tiny face. “We go then?”

The three of them made for the highway and struggled against the never-ending crowd heading towards the market. They yelled and grumbled, moving out of the way. By lunchtime, the crowd thinned out and they were able to move more freely. Sara pushed against Masa, dropped to the ground, and began running around playing airplane.

“It feels like we’re a family,” said Arion.

“Yes, I suppose.” His constant pushing on the issue was beginning to get on her nerves. Her temper began to rise, “Do you really have to keep pushing it?”

“For as long as it takes. By the way, you and I will have to travel north together,” Arion grumbled. “Your mother is going to take as much time as possible to find that fuel source. It's her bread basket and if it gets you to stick around and wait, she might never fulfill what she’s promising.”

“I hadn’t thought about that.”

“No, you wouldn’t. You never see reality.”

“Oh, what’s that supposed to mean,” she said, balling her hands into fists and well aware that the volume in her voice was rising. “It's always reality with you. The reality is you’re alone. The reality is you’re a woman who will have to get married and become pregnant like the rest. The reality is your mother will let you down again. The reality is you’ll never find Leron now. I hate reality. Reality can go stuff itself,” she screamed.

Sara burst into tears.

“See what you did?” he said.

“And I’ll fix it.” Masa went over to Sara and hugged her. “Arion is a big old meany,” she spoke just loud enough for him to hear, “Let’s pretend the world is a magical place and we are fairies.”

Sara giggled and nodded and they flew through the magical rainforest all the way to the Monterrey Group’s camp.

Loretta ran out to meet them, wrapping them all in hugs. “I was so worried,” she said. “And who do we have here?”

“I’m Sara.”

Arion whispered in Loretta’s ear and the older woman frowned. No doubt he was speaking to her of the death of Sara’s mother. “You can live with me,” Loretta said, taking the girl's hand. “Touch right here,” she said, pushing Sara’s hand against her large belly, “You will have a little baby brother or sister to play with.”

Sara’s eyes lit up and she squealed with delight, “That would be amazing!”

“I’ll see you in the tent when you are done putting the supplies away,” Loretta said, “I have lunch prepared for you. I’m sure you are hungry.”

“Starving,” said Arion.

Masa walked beside him towards the tent they used for storage. Beside it, one of the men had begun constructing a permanent one. Perhaps Arion was right and the Monterrey Group had no intention of moving north.

“I’m sorry,” Arion said, while they were placing boxes on shelves.

“I know,” Masa said. She and Arion set down one of the barrels of wheat berries on the floor. The weight was more than she was prepared for and hit the ground with a thud. She lost her balance and the world spun around her.

Arion caught her. He stared at her longingly, frozen in silence before leaning in. His lips connected with hers. Masa breathed in, taking in his scent. It was wonderful to be so close. He began kissing down the side of her neck. Wrapping her hands around his neck, she began returning his kisses. She wanted him…

Masa came to her senses and pushed him away. “No. No. No. NO,” she cried, crouching on the floor, wrapping her arms around her head, and hiding, “This is why I don’t want to go north with you alone. I….This can’t happen.” The dizziness was still there and the world continued to spin. Nausea washed over her and she ran to the tent door and hurled. “I must have eaten something,” she said collapsing against the tent wall. She wiped her mouth on her sleeve.

“No, I don’t think it's that,” Arion grumbled, stumbling through the door and sitting beside her. “How long has it been?”

“What do you mean?”

“You idiot. How long has it been since you were with Leron?”

With wide eyes, she looked up and stared at him. "No..." she gasped.