Everyone Knows

Nobody can know. No one. Not Carrie, not Mike. If they knew, my life might as well be over.

Work has been a nightmare today. Emails and meetings nonstop. Middle, upper, and even lower management have been on my tail for progress reports and indexes and all sorts of corporate necessities that make little sense to me. I don’t even care today. There is far too much on my mind.

“Jeff,” I asked my boss, “would it be alright if I took off a smidge early, today? Ten, fifteen minutes, tops.” He looked up from the comically tall stack of papers on his desk, closed a tab on his computer, and looked me deep in the eye, as if he knew what was in my car down in the parking garage.

“Fine,” he grumbled after a moment’s pause, “but I need you in ten to fifteen minutes early on Monday.”

I let out a deep sigh. Jeff didn’t know. But why would he? Even if someone had felt my car suspicious and sifted through all its nooks and crannies, why would they ever report to the middle manager of a low-level accounting firm? That would make no sense. None at all.

“Thank you, Jeff,” I started. “I’ll tell you what. 20 minutes early Monday, just for your kindness.” I give off a half smile that was partially sarcastic, but mostly grateful.

I turn and exit Jeff’s office back into the hustle and bustle of the workplace. Coworkers talking into phones and smacking keyboards aimlessly. I weave through the array cubicles and coffee-carrying interns to find my own desk. A worn down swivel chair awaits me and greets me with an obnoxious squeak as I collapse into it.

After slapping the keyboard in front of me, my monitor wakes up, revealing the time: 4:05 PM.

Breath exits my mouth harshly, and I fall back into my noisy chair. Hands to my face, I wonder if now is the best time for me to get any work done. I could hardly be productive. The thought of what awaits me this evening makes me shudder.

I sit back up and unlock my computer, open Excel to a blank spreadsheet, and start highlighting cells to pass the time. A1 combines all the way to C7. C7 to F2. I hate Excel.

My eyes lurk back to the bottom right corner of the screen.

4:07 PM. Only 40 minutes left in this hellish wasteland of spreadsheets and corporate speak.

4:08 PM! And it’s hardly even 40 minutes at this point. I could leave in 37. Which is pretty close to 30. That’s only three 10 minute increments. I can do that. I spend 48 ten minute increments in the office every day. Three is nothing.

4:09 PM. This is excruciating. My car calls to me from the basement parking garage like I’m Edgar Allen Poe. I know what’s in there. Nobody else does. Nobody can. If anyone does, my life is ruined.

From being caught up in my own thoughts to picking my nails and grinding my teeth, I lost track of the time. Probably for the best. If I watch the clock then the wait will seem far too much longer than it already is. 6 PM tonight. That’s the time that matters. That’s when the years of my work will finally culminate at the river. When I can shed my burdens and empty my car of the token of my anxieties. No more guilt or hiding. 6 PM is when I can finally be free.

But maybe I want to look at the time. Residing in the depths of my car is something that has given me only stress. If I kept it to myself, I wouldn’t have to worry. The problem lies with the plan. Giving it up is the part that makes me sweat. Watching the time pass would slow my doom.

My eyes begin to creep toward the clock once more, but an abrupt noise shouts from my pocket. I’m startled, but contain a jump. I search through my pocket and pull out my phone, flipping it to vibrate while I see who’s calling me. It’s Carrie. Shit.

After a glance around the office, I duck into my cubicle and answer the call. The phone keeps vibrating in my hand, but I realize it’s not the phone doing the work. I’m shaking.

“Hello?” I answer quietly. I have nothing to hide in the office, but my voice quivers as if someone might hear something they shouldn’t.

“Hey, have you heard from Anna today?” Carrie sounds so relaxed. She probably doesn’t know. I hope not. I can’t give it away. Not now. Probably not ever, but at 6 this evening there won’t be much for me to hide anymore.

“I uhm…” Dammit, I’m a fool. I should’ve expected someone to call. Too late for me, I’ve already stuttered, she’ll know if I’m lying. “I don’t know… I mean, no! I haven’t.” Dammit!

“Oh, okay.” Carrie must know. I probably gave it away. I should have been ready. She continued, “I thought she was getting her nails done this morning with mom. She didn’t send me a picture of them so either they’re bad or she…” I’m not listening to the rest of what she has to say. My hand holding the phone drops while I let out a deep sigh. Carrie does not know anything! I didn’t even have to be careful!

“That’s odd,” I say after Carrie stopped talking. I have no idea what I am responding to. “Well I’ll send her a text. Just in case. Bye-bye!”

I hang up the phone before she can tell me goodbye. Sweat tickles my neck while it falls from my hair. I don’t care what time it is, I have to go now. I’ll show up an hour early on Monday if it means I can get it done now.

It is 4:31, according to my watch. Close enough. I shut my laptop, log out of the company computer, pick up my bag and promptly storm out of the office without saying goodbye to anyone. Slipping out unseen was a must. If anyone saw me go, my plan could be at risk.

The elevator is treacherously slow today. Each floor gaining or losing a passenger. I check my watch. I don’t even pick up the time. The numbered floors light up as we descend farther into the depths of the building.

2.

1A.

1B.

1C.

G.

Finally! I rush out the elevator as the doors glide open. The parking garage is cold and dry today, as always. Today, however, I remembered exactly where I parked. How could I forget? The trunk was full of goodies! Dusty and grey, my car sits there just as it was this morning. Another sigh exits my breath.

I didn’t dare open the trunk. If the contents were discovered, perhaps it would be one less thing for me to worry about. The key fob clicks and the car follows, leading to me jumping in and zipping out before I was properly buckled.

I weave in and out of traffic. Thankfully I left early enough to beat rush hour. The car was silent. I hadn’t started my music before I left work. It didn’t bother me, for the beat of the pulse in my ears was loud enough.

Not as loud as the damn phone ringing again. This time, it sounds throughout the car's speakers. I glance down at the little screen in my little car and read the name.

It’s Mike.

Shit.

I click the answer button, but this time I’m prepared. I pinch the bridge of my nose before I answer.

“Hey Mike,” I say through a nasally tone.

“Hey, are you still at work?”

“No, no. I had to go home early. I wasn’t feeling too good.” I fake a cough. Mike would fall for this one. He always does.

“Damn man, sorry to hear that. Are you gonna make it to poker tonight?” He sounds genuinely concerned. I almost feel bad for lying to him. Almost. My alibi is set. The plan is in action. Everyone is properly distracted. 6 PM looms, but it may grow closer to 5, if I’m lucky.

“Not tonight.” I hold back a laugh. “Pour one out for me, tonight. See ya.”

“Get well soon.” Mike hung up.

As I drive in silence, I tap the steering wheel in a broken rhythm.

I knew the fastest route to the parking lot right beside the river. Its location was burned into my memory. I could never forget it. Even though this all started so long ago, I could still remember exactly how it felt that night. The rush, like nothing I’d felt before. It was so unique then, but it had become so routine. The rush still hit, but the first one was always marked on my mind.

I am so early. Almost 20 minutes earlier than I had planned. I think I’ll manage. My contact is also early. We exchanged no words. Having met previously to discuss all the intricacies of the plan, we both knew what to do. I opened my trunk and let him have at it. His name was almost a mystery to me, but for some reason he was the only one I trusted with my secret. I couldn’t wait for the double life I have been living to finally end.

While the contact worked, I sat on a boulder I knew all too well and watched the river flow peacefully toward the lowering sun.

After a short while, the man taps me on the shoulder and gives me a nod to tell me he was off to his next position. I stand, knowing what had to be done. I would do the dirty work, and he would get paid. A tear wells in my eye, but I push it back in. I check the time one last time on my watch.

6:05 PM. Just as I planned. A smile grows on my face and I hear footsteps approach behind me.

“Anna!” I reach to embrace her. The nervousness of the day leaves me the moment I feel her touch. “How are you?”

“I’m really good!” Anna was all smiles. “Look how cute my nails are!”

I look at her nails and back to her beautiful smile, then to her eyes. The sun shines just perfectly through them, revealing the mesmerizing green and brown palette of her iris.

“I love them,” I say. I take in a deep breath, and exhale slowly.

“Are you doing okay?” She asks me. Anna knows, but she doesn’t know. We always said she could read my mind.

I hold her tight once more before I let her go, and now I can’t seem to keep my tears in anymore. The confusion in her eyes comes and goes. Anna knows. Her deep eyes begin to glisten.

In one smooth motion, just as I practiced, I reach into my jacket pocket to grab the box, and I drop down to one knee.