The Boy

I lived in London, south of the river, before it happened, in a place called Crystal Palace. I always felt sort of annoyed with it, like it was a bad friend, because there was no palace there at all, let alone a crystal one. Not like that Buckingham one where I saw big men with fur hats stomping about. I loved that place. I got in trouble though because I kept trying to get in the men’s way, for a laugh, like. We went home early and I had no tea. I was locked in my room, so I got to play with my toy soldiers for ages, until after it was dark, even. I made a small teddy be me, and I knocked them all down over and over. It didn’t hurt anybody, it was only pretending.

They said the crystal one had burnt down, but I thought they must be telling fibs because how could crystal burn? Grown Ups tell loads of fibs. They give me a hiding for telling fibs, but they go around doing it all the bloody time. They give me a hiding for saying bloody too, but they say loads worse words. Grown Ups make me so cross sometimes. They think they’re really great but they’re bloody not though. Bloody Grown Ups.

The only good thing about being there, in Crystal Palace, was the Maze. Mum used to take me to the big park and sit on a bench smoking with her mates while I watched people’s dogs running about. I want a dog, I do. Or I went in the Maze. It was big and all made of bushes and I could get lost, really truly lost, in there, every time, and be deliciously scared. Well, in summertime anyway, when the bushes had leaves on. In winter you could just see through and that wasn’t so much fun. A few times I got too scared for real and I screamed and Mum had to come and fetch me. Then she got lost in the Maze trying to get me out. She was proper pissed off and gave me a good hiding. But the Maze was awfully good, anyway. She said I could never go in it again after that, but then later she forgot, or maybe it was just easier to let me do the Maze again, so she could have a cig and a natter with The Girls and not be bothered. I dunno.

One day, just after school, when Mum was out, Dad came and took me away, to Heathrow. I thought we were going to watch planes, like last time, when we were waiting for Dad’s mate. I loved that. But this time we got ON one! And we were on it for a really long time. Dad let me sit by the window, and I watched the clouds and they were like a sea of fluff like on top of Mum’s coffee at the caff. I wanted to go out through the window and jump and bounce and roll around on them. I did, in my mind, just pretending. I pretended there was a cloud Maze and I got lost in it and that made me fall asleep. Then Dad woke me up because we had food off little trays and even though it didn't taste like much all, the little spaces for the food, a place for everything, was really cool. Like being a spaceman. And you could watch films and programmes on a little telly right in front of your seat, which was so amazing that it didn't matter so much about my hurting ears popping, and Dad being a bit grumpy and weird the whole time. I watched Spongebob and then I watched a Spiderman. I fell asleep partway through the Spiderman, but I could watch it again when I woke up, so no harm no fowl as Dad would say. I think that’s how it goes.

Finally we got to a place that Dad called Knee Yuck. The airport at that end was really busy and there were lots of loud people, and everything smelled different than London. It was all a bit much for me and I remembered Mummy and I missed her, well, a little bit anyway, and I wondered if she knew where I was or if she missed me. I started to cry a bit, but Dad seemed very serious and like he might get super angry if I wasn’t careful, so I swallowed everything down. I pretended to be a really happy and helpful person, and Dad said that I was a Good and Patient Boy and that there was a massive toy shop in Knee Yuck and he’d let me choose something from it, so that pretending I did was a Good Job by me, gold star. We went to a high counter where a really really nice lady with a very big white smile and a really big hairdo called me ‘honey’, and she gave me a lollipop that was called grape flavour and it had sort of chocolate in the middle, but she called it a sucker, which made me laugh. Daniel Phelps at school calls people sucker when he tells them a fib and they believe him. And she gave Dad some keys which opened up a big shiny car with that new car smell. I didn’t know that’s how you get cars. I hope that lady is still there when I’m old enough so I can get one. An even bigger one with a telly in it.

Dad put me in the new car and put my seatbelt on. He drove us to a street that had tall brick buildings with high steps up to them. He said he was going to see a man about a horse, and then he left me in the car with the radio on and the doors locked. Before he went he showed me how to unlock them if I needed a wee but he said I shouldn’t open my door and go out for a wee unless I really really had to. But he was gone a really long time. And he never came out. I kept sleeping and then going out for a wee against a brick wall and then going back in and locking the doors again. It was fun twiddling the radio button and getting different music and voices, at first, but I got bored with that and anyway the radio people mostly had loud and sort of angry voices even if they were saying nice things. Sometimes I didn’t understand them. They didn’t sound like anyone in London, really. One of them sounded a bit like Spongebob, so I liked him okay. I pretended I was in a submarine under the sea for a bit but I got bored with that, too. A few times strange men in rags pushing shopping trolleys with no shopping in came and banged on the window. I was really scared then, more scared than in the Maze. I hid on the floor in the back of the car until they went away. I wanted Mum, even though she’s mean a lot. And I got very hungry and the car was getting smelly. It didn’t have that new smell anymore. So after it was daytime and then nighttime and then daytime again, I got out of the car and went to find Dad.

I couldn't remember which building Dad had gone in. I waited on a step for ages and then I started walking. And after a bit I knew I was in the Spiderman place! I felt so much better! Spiderman would look after me! I kept looking up for Spidey but the buildings were so big that they made me feel dizzy and I had to look down again. I found a big park and it made me think of home so I stayed there. Dad would know to look for me there because it was like the Maze park in London. Grown Ups think like that, you know. They do.

It was so big, this park, that the whole park was a Maze, but I could never get lost in it because there was always a way to the street, and horses to pet, and other children to play with, and swings, and men who talked funny gave me hot dogs with sour white stringy stuff on. I slept in some bushes when it was nighttime. There were some noises that woke me up and scared me sometimes, but I could always hear traffic, and remember Spidey, then feel okay and sleep.

But in this Maze, when I finally screamed for Mum, she never came, and Dad never did. And Spidey didn’t ever come. So I asked the kindest hot dog man to call for a copper.

I sat on the cart and while I waited I ate a pretzel. It was bloody good.