Video Game: Slow Death

Slow Death

Author’s note: This story is a deconstructed video game. The interactions below are exchanges you might encounter if you were one of the developers of your favorite game. The story is told through a messaging system that tracks when code is saved, referred to as code commits. Teams save code into a repository so they can all work on it at the same time. A typical workflow is a developer will make a change to the code, commit that code and then their teammates will review it. The first draft of this story was told in an actual repository with code commits, review comments, and actual code. It was a long and difficult journey turning that into something (somewhat) consumable by non software developers.

November 1

GitBot 2:47 PM - CodeWrangler pushed 4 commits:

• fixed shit in battle system

• fixed more shit

GitBot 3:22 PM - DevOpsNinja pushed 2 commits:

• more bullshit fixes for online multiplayer

• actually fixed the damn lag issue this time

GitBot 4:15 PM - Code review on Text Cleanup Function - MarshmallowMan added a function that cleans up messy text input, with decorative comments:

// (\ /)

// (._.)

// o_(")(")

// RABBIT FOR LUCK

PixelBarbie 4:18 PM - wtf man? ascii art in production code?

MarshmallowMan 4:19 PM - you know you love it plus its in a comment. no harm done

CrazyCaptain 4:21 PM - ship it! the rabbit stays. we need all the luck we can get with this release.

December 15

SYSTEM NOTICE - SYNERGY GLOBAL SOLUTIONS

Welcome to the Synergy Family!

We're excited to announce that your team is now part of Synergy Global Solutions. Pizza party scheduled for Friday!

DevOpsNinja 3:42 PM - huh?

GitBot 11:43 PM - MarshmallowMan pushed 1 commit:

• Implemented better login for game launcher

GitBot 11:44 PM - Code review on Login Security - MarshmallowMan added secure login functionality with motivational ASCII art:

8===D~~~

8===D~~~

8===D~~~

// PERFORMANCE ROCKETS

December 16

PixelBarbie 6:47 PM - Really? Dicks in the security code?

MarshmallowMan 7:48 PM - they're performance rockets. get your mind out of the gutter

CrazyCaptain 7:52 PM - change them to something else before the demo

GitBot 8:58 PM - MarshmallowMan updated the ASCII art:

..|..

..|..

..|..

// A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR MANAGEMENT

CrazyCaptain 11:59 PM - better… i think?

December 17

GitBot 6:32 AM - CodeWrangler pushed 1 commit:

• Fixed typo in mission text. Must have skipped lunch when I originally wrote that.

DevOpsNinja 10:35 AM - making me hungry. Packed a fried baloney sandwich today. Not sharing with any of you asses.

PixelBarbie 11:00 AM - I made snickerdoodles. In the break room, get them while you can!

January 7

GitBot 9:14 AM - PixelBarbie pushed 3 commits:

• Redesigned player dashboard for better performance

• Added comprehensive error handling to quest system

• Optimized graphics pipeline (reduced lag by 40%)

GitBot 9:15 AM - Code review on Player Dashboard - PixelBarbie created a system for getting player stats with proper error handling

MarshmallowMan 10:18 AM - man i love your code. <3 its so clean. can I take you out for coffee sometime

PixelBarbie 10:19 AM - go to hell

CodeWrangler 11:22 AM - 40% performance improvement! Barbie's making us all look bad

CrazyCaptain 11:25 AM - look at barbie bringing it! That is seriously impressive

January 15

GitBot 2:30 PM - CrazyCaptain pushed 1 commit:

• Fixed team permissions after server migration broke everyone's access

CrazyCaptain 2:32 PM - everyone should be back online now. MM and DevOps let me know if you're still locked out

January 30

GitBot 10:15 AM - PixelBarbie pushed 1 commit:

• Fixed tooltip positioning bug that was driving me insane

GitBot 10:16 AM - Code review on UI Tooltip Fix - PixelBarbie corrected tooltip overflow on small screens

MarshmallowMan 10:20 AM - thank god someone finally fixed that. was about to lose my mind

PixelBarbie 10:22 AM - right? Unscheduled work, but it was worth it for my sanity

CorporateArchitect_SGS 10:45 AM - Minor UI adjustments should be batched with larger feature work to optimize development cycles.

DevOpsNinja 10:47 AM - it was a one-line fix dude

February 10

GitBot 3:22 PM - DevOpsNinja pushed 2 commits:

• server migration

• fixed shit

February 14

GitBot 2:30 PM - PixelBarbie pushed 1 commit:

• Added input validation because apparently people will type anything

GitBot 2:31 PM - Code review on Form Validation - PixelBarbie added client-side validation for user registration forms

CodeWrangler 2:35 PM - happy valentine's day to our forms lol

PixelBarbie 2:36 AM - someone tried to register with "xXx_Ñ00bSl4y3r_420_ëøñ_xXx" as their username yesterday

MarshmallowMan 2:38 PM - users are wild. good catch

CorporateArchitect_SGS 3:15 PM - Input validation modifications alter user experience flows and require UX stakeholder approval. Additionally, form field changes impact our accessibility compliance matrix.

PixelBarbie 3:17 PM - it's basic form validation. prevents garbage data

CorporateArchitect_SGS 3:20 PM - Any modification to user-facing input mechanisms requires cross-departmental review including Legal, Accessibility, and User Experience teams. Please revert and submit proper change request documentation.

MarshmallowMan 3:22 PM - dude why are you picking on barbie?

February 22

SYSTEM NOTICE - SYNERGY GLOBAL SOLUTIONS

New Policy: Workplace Organization Standards

To maintain professional consistency across all Synergy locations, please limit personal items to one family photo and one approved desk accessory. This helps create a cohesive brand experience!

GitBot 10:00 AM - CrazyCaptain pushed 1 commit:

• Added corporate legal headers to all code files

GitBot 10:01 AM - All files now include corporate boilerplate: "Property of Synergy Global Solutions Inc. Confidential and Proprietary..."

MarshmallowMan 10:05 AM - did we seriously get bought? Who TF thought acquisition was a good idea? here we go. welcome to the machine.

CrazyCaptain 10:06 AM - nobody asked us. but we'll figure it out. we always do

DevOpsNinja 10:07 AM - should we be careful what we say in these comments now? Big brother might be watching.

CrazyCaptain 10:08 AM - they're not watching commit messages…yet

PixelBarbie 11:13 AM - want to bet on that?

March 8

GitBot 1:33 PM - CodeWrangler pushed 2 commits:

• Freemium checks incoming

• damn this game is becoming a money grab

GitBot 4:22 PM - MarshmallowMan pushed 1 commit:

• Finally figured out where that bug was coming from. Turns out the particle effects weren't being cleaned up properly when they finished. While I was debugging that code, I realized the physics engine was running duplicate processes as well. So not only were the particles not being cleaned up, we also had duplicates. Glad that's over.

CorporateArchitect_SGS 4:25 PM - Nice catch on the physics engine duplication. That's a sneaky one.

March 9

SYSTEM NOTICE - SYNERGY GLOBAL SOLUTIONS

New Policy: Enhanced Productivity Monitoring

All employee workstations will now track keyboard activity, bathroom break duration, and coffee consumption patterns. This data helps us optimize your personal efficiency journey!

GitBot 5:47 PM - PixelBarbie pushed 2 commits:

• Updated player data collection

• Implemented mandatory tracking for all player interactions

GitBot 5:48 PM - Code review on Player Activity Tracker - PixelBarbie added comprehensive player action logging

CodeWrangler 5:52 PM - 47 lines of logging for what used to be one line? this is getting ridiculous

CorporateArchitect_SGS 6:15 PM - This implementation follows industry best practices for audit trail compliance. The verbosity ensures comprehensive data capture for regulatory requirements. CodeWrangler, concerns about code efficiency should be escalated through proper channels rather than discussed in review comments.

MarshmallowMan 6:18 PM - the overlords demand their data. resistance is futile

March 12

GitBot 8:33 PM - CodeWrangler pushed 2 commits:

• wtf is wrong with this shit?

• more fixes

March 21

SYSTEM NOTICE - SYNERGY GLOBAL SOLUTIONS

New Policy: Collaborative Communication Standards

All inter-team messaging must be conducted through approved corporate channels. Personal communication tools, casual language, and "non-constructive feedback" are now prohibited.

GitBot 9:45 PM - PixelBarbie pushed 3 commits:

• Removed old player cheat prevention logic

• Reverted: Remove old player cheat prevention logic

• Actually fixed player cheat prevention per ticket SYN-4421

PixelBarbie 9:47 PM - sorry for the back and forth the new ticket format is confusing AF. took me three tries to figure out what they actually wanted

CrazyCaptain 10:49 PM - no worries we've all been there with these new streamlined requirements

CorporateArchitect_SGS 10:52 PM - Code revision patterns are being tracked for efficiency metrics. Multiple revisions indicate suboptimal planning processes.

MarshmallowMan 10:54 PM - dude it's called debugging. maybe you've heard of it?

March 22

GitBot 8:30 AM - CorporateArchitect_SGS pushed 1 commit:

• Updated developer performance tracking metrics

GitBot 8:31 AM - Code review on Performance Analytics - CorporateArchitect_SGS added comprehensive developer activity monitoring

DevOpsNinja 8:45 AM - why are we tracking individual commit patterns now?

CorporateArchitect_SGS 8:47 AM - Data-driven performance optimization requires granular visibility into development workflows.

PixelBarbie 8:50 AM - feels like we're being watched

CrazyCaptain 8:52 AM - just keep doing good work everyone. that's all that matters

GitBot 10:58 PM - CodeWrangler pushed 1 commit:

• Terminated user access: Sarah Chen per corporate directive

DevOpsNinja 10:59 PM - wtf just got an email that Barbie's been fired? this is insane

MarshmallowMan 11:01 PM - wait what? they actually fired her for fixing a bug?

CodeWrangler 11:02 PM - this company has lost its goddamn mind

CorporateArchitect_SGS 11:59 PM - Code revision patterns indicating iterative development cycles violate established efficiency metrics per SGS-2024-001. Employee Sarah Chen's implementation methodology demonstrates suboptimal resource allocation. This constitutes grounds for performance review escalation.

April 5

SYSTEM NOTICE - SYNERGY GLOBAL SOLUTIONS

New Policy: Professional Expression Guidelines

Creative workplace expressions including humorous comments, personal artwork, and informal documentation have been identified as barriers to scalable team integration. All such content will be removed.

GitBot 9:00 AM - CorporateArchitect_SGS pushed 1 commit:

• Standardized code formatting per corporate style guide to help junior developers

GitBot 9:01 AM - Code review on Player Lookup - CorporateArchitect_SGS expanded a search function

MarshmallowMan 9:05 AM - this is 12 lines instead of 3 and performs worse. what the actual hell

DevOpsNinja 9:07 AM - readable for junior developers? this isn't readable, it's verbose garbage

CorporateArchitect_SGS 9:20 AM - Previous implementation utilized suboptimal programming approaches. The refactored version provides enhanced debuggability through explicit state management and eliminates cognitive overhead associated with former diversity hire employee coding patterns.

CodeWrangler 9:22 AM - the only thing this reduces is my will to live

MarshmallowMan 9:25 AM - are you fucking kidding me? Diversity hire my ass. Barbie built half this codebase. She carried this entire team! she fixed more bugs than the rest of us combined

DevOpsNinja 9:27 AM - meanwhile CodeWrangler has 47 commits with 'fixed shit' as the message and MM has an entire ascii art gallery, but yeah lets fire the person who actually documents her process

CodeWrangler 9:28 AM - this is bullshit.

CrazyCaptain 9:30 AM - guys careful with the language, they're definitely monitoring now

CrazyCaptain 9:32 AM - look i get it. we're all frustrated. but we need to be smart about this. We still need to get shit done and we need to stick together

May 29

GitBot 2:15 PM - CorporateArchitect_SGS pushed 1 commit:

• Refactored file loading system for maintainability

GitBot 2:16 PM - Code review on Game Asset Loading - CorporateArchitect_SGS rewrote a file loading function

MarshmallowMan 2:20 PM - what the fuck did you do to my beautiful file loading function you absolute ape? this is 40 lines of unreadable garbage

DevOpsNinja 2:22 PM - the original was 8 lines and crystal clear. this looks like code written by my grandma

CodeWrangler 2:24 PM - current_folder_being_processed processing_queue_queue_processor did an enterprise consultant throw up on our codebase?

CorporateArchitect_SGS 2:35 PM - Recursive solutions are difficult to debug and maintain. This approach provides better safety and clearer execution flow for junior team members.

MarshmallowMan 2:37 PM - safety!? it's a fucking file loader not a mission critical system. I need a goddamn map to follow this new logic.

May 30

CrazyCaptain 9:15 AM - @CorporateArchitect_SGS the file loading function MM wrote was tested and performant. this rewrite introduces unnecessary complexity and potential bugs. can we discuss reverting to the original implementation?

CorporateArchitect_SGS 9:45 AM - The refactored solution adheres to enterprise standards. Performance considerations are secondary to maintainability metrics.

CrazyCaptain 9:47 AM - our team has been maintaining this codebase for 3 years. we understand what works. these changes are making our job harder not easier

June 2

SYSTEM NOTICE - SYNERGY GLOBAL SOLUTIONS

New Policy: Strategic Language Alignment

All project proposals must include minimum quotas of approved business terminology. Requests using informal language or lacking sufficient "synergistic optimization" will be automatically flagged for revision.

MarshmallowMan 10:05 AM - what the fuck does this even mean? are we building a framework or optimizing experience? both? neither?

DevOpsNinja 10:07 AM - I've read this 5 times and I still don't know what they want us to build

CrazyCaptain 10:09 AM - just build something with framework in the name and call it a day

June 4

GitBot 3:30 PM - DevOpsNinja pushed 1 commit:

• Added basic framework structure for SYN-7234

GitBot 3:31 PM - Code review on Player Experience Framework - DevOpsNinja created a minimal framework with a single function that logs "Optimizing player experience" (includes comment: "I have no idea what this is supposed to do") and ascii art: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

CorporateArchitect_SGS 3:45 PM - This implementation does not meet enterprise standards. Please revise to include proper abstraction layers and design patterns.

MarshmallowMan 3:47 PM - give me actual requirements and I'll give you actual code

GitBot 6:22 PM - CorporateArchitect_SGS pushed 1 commit:

• Refactored player experience framework with enterprise patterns

GitBot 6:23 PM - Code review on Framework Refactor - CorporateArchitect_SGS converted DevOpsNinja's function into an "Abstract Factory" with different abstraction layers

DevOpsNinja 6:28 PM - this is 47 lines of code that does exactly what MM's 3 lines did, except now it's impossible to understand

CodeWrangler 6:30 PM - I count 6 different abstractions for something that should be a single method call

June 15

GitBot 11:15 AM - MarshmallowMan pushed 1 commit:

• Removed ascii rabbit, it's been real

GitBot 11:16 AM - Code review on Text Cleanup Function - MarshmallowMan removed the lucky rabbit ASCII art, leaving just clean implementation comments

DevOpsNinja 11:18 AM - end of an era. rip ascii rabbit you beautiful bastard

MarshmallowMan 11:22 AM -

// Goodbye little friend

// (\ /)

// (._.)

// o_(")(")

//

// Thanks for all the luck

// - MM

CrazyCaptain 11:25 AM - pouring one out for all the character this codebase is losing

June 20

SYSTEM NOTICE - SYNERGY GLOBAL SOLUTIONS

Workforce Optimization Complete

Team consolidation has been finalized. Original personnel have been transitioned to pursue new opportunities. Operations will continue with our cost-effective global resource partners.

GitBot 5:00 PM - CrazyCaptain pushed 1 commit:

• Archived repository: cosmic-quest-engine

GitBot 5:01 PM - Final Archive Note:

/*

* This repository is being archived.

*

* To whoever inherits this code: We built something good here.

* The game engine was solid, the performance was clean,

* and the team that wrote this cared.

*

* I tried to keep us together through the transition, but some

* things can't be preserved in a corporate environment.

* The best developers I've ever worked with were on this team.

*

* Sorry about all the enterprise "improvements" from the last few months.

* The original code was better.

*

* Take care of each other out there.

* - Captain

*

* P.S. Barbie was the best developer we had. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

*/

GitBot 5:02 PM - Repository archived by CrazyCaptain

Status: DEPRECATED - DO NOT USE

Migration to offshore team: COMPLETE