Timelines

Content warnings: Discussions of infertility.

The cold tile floor doesn’t sting as badly in the summer as it does during the winter months. I find solace as it soothes the heat from my fingertips. 

I stare mindlessly at the countertops, taking in the chipped corner and alienated hair tie nearly invisible in a sea of granite specs. Drops of water fall from the shower head behind me, diving directly towards the drain and echoing throughout the tub. I close my eyes and listen, eased by the already dim space. I sit like this for what feels like mere seconds before my phone begins to chime.

My eyes slowly travel to the small white rectangle I’ve placed upside down near the sink. My hand reaches out to stop the timer, yet I remain seated. I’ve not collected the will to see the results. 

Deep down I already know what it’s going to say. My efforts feel futile and comical at this point, immediately shrouded in shame for nursing any hope I’ve had left. I try to push the feelings down as I bring myself to my feet and convince myself to breathe. 

The white plastic stares back at me as my heart begins to race, hands trembling. I take one final breath before flipping it over. 

“Not pregnant”. 

My eyes lock in on the words, body unmoving … completely numb. I continue to stare and turn the plastic every which way as if that would magically change the wording. A chuckle escapes my lips. After 2 years, I should be used to this by now. Why am I so surprised? Why would I expect anything different? So stupid of me. So, so … utterly stupid of me …

I grip the plastic harder as the words on the tiny screen start to blur together. My breathing becomes shallow and my jaw tenses. I let out a scream I had no idea I had been harboring and threw the pregnancy test hard against the bathroom door. It bounces against the wood and slides across the tile directly towards me, provoking my eyes to look one last time. I wiped the tears away and quickly snatched up the test, immediately taking it in both hands. I tried my hardest to snap the damn thing in half, but to no avail. 

The door to the bathroom suddenly swung open. 

“Charlotte, are you okay? What was that sou-...” 

My husband’s words were cut short at the sight of me. I can only imagine how ridiculous I looked trying to bend the plastic against the counter. 

“Come here…”, Colin walked closer, but I turned my back on him, my face burning with shame. I opened the cabinet door and threw the plastic into the metal bin beneath our sink. I couldn’t let him see another failure. 

I felt his hand on the small of my back, but I shifted just out of his reach and walked out of the room. I reached our bedroom at the end of the hall and slammed open the door. It ricocheted off the wall and nearly hit Colin as he trailed shortly behind. I knew there would be a hole where the handle made contact, but I couldn’t be bothered. 

“Charlotte please speak to me.” Colin maintained his distance this time. 

I sat on the edge of our bed in silence. I had a million words swarming around my head, yet I couldn’t get a single one to escape my lips. I wish he’d leave me alone. I kept my jaw clenched as I knew if I spoke now, it wouldn’t be anything kind. 

“If this is about the test, it’s okay. We’ll just try again next mo-”. 

I couldn’t bear to let him finish that sentence. 

“And what? Go through this godforsaken torment all over again!?” I stood up and finally faced him, heart racing. “It’s the same fucking thing each month. For TWO years now. I can only be reminded that my body is defective so many times.” My throat felt tight and my heart ached in my chest. 

“I can’t …” my voice croaked, “I can’t do this anymore…”

“Charlotte …”

“The endless doctor’s appointments, the blood tests, the needles … I …” I stared at Colin as tears welled in my eyes. “I give up…”. The weight of my own body suddenly felt all too much. I shrunk to my knees as my back slid against the side of the bed. Colin was instantly beside me. 

My body trembled as I finally collapsed into inconsolable sobs. I felt Colin’s arms around me and allowed myself to fall. 

– – – –

I cried until I exhausted myself. 

Colin hadn’t moved an inch in the last half hour and I curled myself closer into him. No one had spoken, the only sounds being the occasional sniffle and whimper emanating from my own body . 

“Would you still have married me if you knew this was our future?” I immediately cringed at the question, but it had laid heavy on my mind for so long now. 

He shifted slightly and kissed the top of my hair. “In a heartbeat.”

Ease cascaded over me as I sat myself up. 

“I just … I don't understand.” Colin remained quiet, encouraging me to continue. “I didn’t expect things to be this hard and it’s so frustrating when your body doesn’t work the way you want it to. I feel… less than a woman.”

“Darlin’ trust me, you are allll woman.” He smirked and I lightly punched his shoulder. 

“You know what I mean.” My smile faded slightly and I looked towards the floor. “It’s also just so disheartening because I feel like I’m grieving a soul that hasn’t even been brought to fruition yet.” 

Colin cocked his head.

“It’s going to be a girl you know …” The smile returned to my face. “I can’t help but feel it, like, every inch of my body and soul just knows. And I get sad thinking about all the love I haven’t been able to give to her yet… as if all the work I’ve done to make myself a better person and to end generations of trauma are all just … for nothing.” 

I felt myself wanting to shrink back down into nothing again, bury myself under the weight of surrender.

Colin was quiet for a moment before speaking, “What do you think her favorite colors are going to be?” 

My eyebrows furrowed, “What?”

“Do you think she’ll prefer pink? Purple? Maybe blue like her momma?”

My heart fluttered as I realized what he was doing.

“Hmmm, I’m feeling purple.”

“I can see it. She’s definitely going to have my curly hair though.” He dramatically blew a curl from his eye as he spoke. 

“Goodness I hope so! My hair is as straight as a board and you can’t do anything with it!” Colin smiled as he tucked some loose strands behind my ear. I leaned into his hand and smiled at him. 

His eyes softened. “I know it's frustrating darling. My heart hurts too, especially seeing you like this. I know it’s also hard on your body, so we can take a break for a while. And if you want to continue trying later down the road, just let me know and I’m all yours. We are on no one's timelines but our own.”

Relief washed over me as I nodded.

“And I never want you to think of yourself less than or like you haven’t got love to share. You’ve got to be the strongest and most caring woman I know. Plus, you’ve been the most wonderful momma to little ole’ Charlie.”

As if right on cue, big black, floppy ears and a graying muzzle rounded the corner, stopping to stretch before trotting right up to us. Charlie sat and pawed at my hand, demanding some head scratches. 

I smiled and scratched the top of his head as his tongue rolled out the side of his mouth. Colin and I both laughed. My shoulders dropped and my chest loosened. The moment brought me back into reality. A reality where I could momentarily admit defeat, but I knew that it was only temporary. I had been reminded that it was okay to have hope for the future, despite frustrations, and what it felt like to be loved unconditionally.