I Can’t Do It, I Just Can’t

“I CAN’T, DON’T MAKE ME”, it’s what she kept saying. Oh how terrible it was to hear it. And here I was across the hall reading my book about teenagers survive a war. It was called Tomorrow When The War Began. And in that book they never slept, they couldn’t, they were to scared of soldiers coming up to them whilst they slept and shooting them. And that ps how I with feel, forever more. My little sister has recently started having anxiety attacks, and sometimes its hard to believe they are real because they just came out the blue. I think I’m also jealous, which I know, its stupid, but I can’t help it. I’ve always had anxiety about everything, but as I’ve gotten older, I guess I don’t show it as much, so I don’t get as much attention with it as a used to. I think I’m also angry with her because I’ll be talking to mum about something, and then she will start crying again and off she pops to spend the rest of the night calming her down and forgets I was even talking to her. I feel like I’m just angry at life. My dad has mental health issues and I’ve just been told by my phycologist that my childhood is going to be traumatic because of having to life with him, even though we don’t realise it yet. I’m 13 and I have a brother who is 11 and a sister who is 8 and it really is frustrating sometimes. When your the oldest it has its ups and downs. I mean you can go out with friends, have sleep over, but then you get treated differently as well, which isn’t always good either. Anyway, my sister lately has been screaming during the night saying that she can’t and she won’t do it. But then she wanted something for a game, but mum said “you have to stop crying at night for a week, and then I’ll buy it for you”. All of a sudden she has stoped screaming and crying and it makes you wonder if it was all a fluke. One night while she was screaming, she said, “ I DON’T FEEL SAFE, SOMEONE IS GOING TO KILL ME”. And it got me thinking a lot about what would happen if someone did break in in the middle of the night, and tried to kill me? What would I do? And I think if I heard them coming, I would hide in my closet, but if they just burst through the door with no warning, I would try and beat the crap out of them. I mean it’s instinct isn’t it. I could learn Karate or something. But ever since that night of my little sister screaming, I’ve never been able to get the picture out of my head of her being stabbed, or killed. And so I never ever want to go to sleep, and I always leave a light on in my room because I’m scared if I open my eyes in the dark, someone with be right there. That was until last week. I was reading my novel about the teenagers in the war, and it was 8:00pm which meant time to put out the lights. I turned my head to the light switch, and she was there. My sister. She had the biggest grin on her face. She said, “bye bye”, and then shot me right in the head. You know when people explde watermelons? That what it felt like. It felt like my head was just exploded. And all of a sudden it was gone. All of it. Ever wondered how it feels to die. Well I can tell you. It hurts like hell. I can’t believe that bitch killed me. It was all a trick. She knew it was going to get in my head, she knew it all and then she decided it was over. And as soon as she had done it I was watching her. She had blood all over her. She still has that stupid big grin, that phycopath. There was brain justice all over her and then she heard mum running over, quickly she started fake crying, placed the gun on my dead body and in came mum. I was so angry. She started screaming and saying “ MUM I CAN’T SLEEP NOW, LOOK WHAT’S HAPPENED, I DEFINITELY CAN’T SLEEP NOW”. “ honey.. calm….. down” she said in between waves of deep breathes and sob's. “NO SHE’S DEAD AND I’M NEVER GONNA SLEEP AGAIN”. “HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL?!” “LOSING MY CHILD!!” And just like that, mum was by my side, once again. She killed me and mum. Just because we did something she didn’t like. I had the mental problems so I had more attention then her, and mum just lost one of her daughters and had a problem with it. I can’t believe her. And now she was stuck with a couple hours before dad came home from a business party with his mates to come up with an excuse to why his daughter and wife had been murdered. Or and explanation to the police. That was a big problem for her since they will do fingerprint check. I guess she could just say that she was coming into my room to ask for something and then she saw the “killer”, and then the “killer” shoved the knife into her hand so that she looked like the murderor then they would have no idea who it was, unless they did like, mental health check on her, because that bitch obviously had some sort of problem. I’m dead now, what do you even do in heaven. Do whatever you want I guess. I will just haunt my sister, and hang with mum. Eat ice cream and not get sick and eat chocolate and not worry about it getting extinct. But from now on,

I will never ever go to sleep again.