All is Well

The road has no end. Trying to make amends with my past. I make off-handed remarks to the intangible camera that follows my weary step. There is nothing left. I am tired. Hungry, weary and lost. I have paid the cost. I can’t shoulder the weight of my struggles standing still. I have to move. Aimless feet point west. Night falls on me like a leaden blanket. It is as heavy as it’s ever felt. It’s as dark as I have ever seen. Eerie. Haunting. Alone yet unafraid. I am the thespian that strayed from the stage. I was once filled with rage. It was everyone else’s fault. They were to blame for my demise. Eyes search the fallow ground for a place to rest. My strength is tested. I crested a steep rise, and before my eyes could adjust I saw, on the horizon of my vision, an incision of light.

I stand tall, like my back is against a wall. My neck is straight. Tall. Proud. A warm feeling, like a shaft of light, filters from my head to my feet. I peer into the distance. There is no resistance, just like moments before. I hear a voice. A sweet song. A siren’s plaintive cry. Is it a hello or goodbye? I lean into the night. Lend the darkness to my ear. I hear her faint tune. All too soon. All too soon.   

  A distant sound startles my senses. I step hesitantly forth. One weary step after another. My pace quickens. My blood thickens. My heart is racing. I trace the lines of beauty across the sky. I try to defy expectations and push on, but the song has stopped. The light has vanished. I lay down to rest. Blessed be sleep to a weary traveler. 

I sleep peacefully. I dream of a well in the middle of a glade. Surrounded by rosebush and briar. Thirsty. I desire to taste the sweet refreshing water, but I am hesitant. Unsure how to proceed.  I need to be loved. I need to be needed, but I have had my chances. Romance is illusory. Faith is a selfish desire for life everlasting. Yet, here, at this place I feel alive. I am renewed with purpose. I draw the water. Wisely and justly I sip delicately. I woke up. It seemed but for a moment, now the sun was tormenting my eyes. 

I had nothing to eat. Ragged and dirty. Smelly and ill-kempt. I never meant for it to be this way. Life I mean. Dreams are just dreams. I swing into a gait. I relate the experience of the night before and conclude that it was because of a weary and ravaged soul that I thought I saw and heard. I tell myself. I saw a light. I heard a voice. The doubt riddled my mind and tried to rewind the images, but they were lost in motion. I wish. I hope so. If only. Perhaps. These are the words that have haunted my existence. It was a moment before I realised that I had shed a tear. Thoughts, as they often do, assailed me there and then. Left. Right. Left. Right. I shall walk forever.

How I came to be walking this road is of little significance to you. Where I am going, and how I will get there, less so. I know no other way than to record my journey. Perhaps my beginning will be the end. I have wronged, and been wronged. I have loved, and been loved. I have tried to navigate the pitfalls of my dilemma, yet have failed. I am a failure. I seek redemption. 

Wiser teachers and scribes than I have burdened their fair share of woe. On it goes. Throughout history the mystery is never solved. Why? There is no answer that satisfies a redeeming conscience. The choice is here and now. It is always now. Do or don’t do. If only it was so easy. Yet, I have plenty to learn about myself. About others. About life. I can’t do that where I come from. I must move. I can’t be there. Not with them. Not now. They wouldn’t understand. 

Almost two years now. For almost two years I have wandered, at first glance, aimlessly across the country. Yet it is with purpose, and a powerful sense of self that I persist. Her kiss was sweet. Her smell exotic. Her touch erotic, though it wasn’t enough. I need to know why. Why? My sphere of influence had changed. No longer do I pretend to agree. I don’t smile and nod without virtue. I am more honorable and noble than I have ever been. I do not deceive, and am not put upon. I don’t buy into others lies about themselves, about loved ones, about life. 

There are no more artificial transactions. I am free. I AM FREE. I rest my body on a bank of tilled grass and stare at the sky. The majesty of the night. A shooting star entices me to make a wish, but I refuse. That would be selfish. I wonder. I dream. I imagine. Life is but a moment. I am just a traveler. I am no one special. I breathe. I feel. I love. I lust. I yearn. I see beauty in the shapes of things. Lines define the difference between the moral and immoral. Good and bad. Happy and sad. Just and unjust. I try to understand. I listen. I discuss. I learn. I burn with desire and passion. I empathize. I have compassion. Yet I possess all that is not so righteous and holy. 

I try not to judge, but judge I do. I try not to hate, yet oftentimes the desire to hate overwhelms me. I try not to lust but then I see beauty in the shape of things. I don’t believe in sin. I believe in right and wrong. I feel the difference. I live in accordance with what is right. I try to resist temptation, yet at times I am weak. I speak for none. I care for everyone. I don’t pray, yet I offer words to the world and whosoever should hear them. No. They wouldn’t understand. They just wouldn’t understand. 

I am always seeing the light. A figment of my imagination. An illusion. A mind intrusion. I resist the urge to return home. The place where I was most alone. I am different. They defined me. I was living to a predetermined definition of who I am. Gram by gram, my weight shifted. Thought by thought, my mind altered. I outgrew them. As egotistical as that sounds. I grounded myself in their reality. The totality of which restricted my growth. Perhaps, I am too sentimental. I couldn’t resist the urge to leave.   

I have suffered heartache and misery. Cold nights. Long days. Lonely nights. Lonely days. I have suffered hunger and misery. I know what it means to me, but it's hard to explain. Who I am is important to me. As is my reputation. I consider myself honorable and virtuous, but there is work to do. I want to be better. I need to be better. I feel my way through the world. I offer kindness, and compassion. My presence goes unnoticed, and I am content with being so. I would have it no other way. I am searching for meaning. I am looking for myself. It’s not out there. The material world has no answers to who I am. None whatsoever. Those answers dwell within. In my heart, and my thoughts which are reflected in my actions. 

Bleary eyed and hungry. I grimace. I walk through the night. The moon is high. A bronze disc in a clear sky. A cool breeze blows. I am invigorated. I am happy. Though I am tired and the road is long, I believe in myself. I believe in my journey. I have a story to tell, but I fear it is not one you want to hear. I will leave you with this. Although the road, unlike my journey, has no end, all is well with my world, all is well.