One last time

Running has never been one of my favorite hobbies, but I somehow felt like I could use it today. I quickly grabbed my sweatshirt, took a bite out of my ham sandwich, and left the kitchen. The first few steps were horrible. With each leg lift, I felt like I was carrying some kind of weight that was only making my journey harder. In fact, it wasn't my body that was heavy, it was my soul carrying the ruins of our conversation from yesterday.

It was not the first time he had hurt me. Of course, not the last, I was sure. He keeps pushing me away as I try to love him, then pulls me back to him by the last remaining thread. And I cling awkwardly to that thinning, weak little thread because I don't want to lose him. I keep thinking that it's just scary for him to know, that someone really loves him and would do anything for him.

My legs were getting into a faster rhythm and my lungs were trying to keep up. The park was quiet in the morning hours and deserted, so I loved being there at that time of day. The pleasant rustle of the leaves soothed my often troubled heart. No one was paying attention to me, and I was free to lose myself in my thoughts. The combination of silence and fresh air had a healing effect on my soul, but now it was not enough. Our fight from yesterday had been different. My heart tightened at the thought that maybe our relationship was really ending. What would happen to me without him?

I breathed more and more, and I could no longer fight with my body, no longer punish her, no longer soothe the wound burning in my soul. I sat down on a shaky little bench that was more like a combination of some old decks. I tried to turn off my mind, but it was an impossible attempt to cope with the mass of tormenting thoughts.

“I knew you'd be here,” a strong male voice said.

Suddenly I felt as if I had been pulled out of the swirling vortex. I turned around, and there he stood. He looked at me with pleading eyes. He could never bear to wait for anything.

He sat down next to me, and I moved a little bit to the other side of the bench. He knew me, so he didn't force himself to get closer to me. We listened to the melody of the park, the birds chirping in different tones, but each of us looked in a different direction.

“I think I was a bit grumpy with you yesterday, I'm sorry,” he blurted out.

He finally broke the awkward silence. I thought we were going to grow old on this rickety wooden bench.

“You never notice when you hurt me,” I replied, still looking towards the lake.

“You're the one who always wants the truth from me,” he said.

“But that can be served gently too,” I replied resentfully.

I slowly stood up and moved my tired limbs. He just watched and said nothing. I could see his mouth twitch into a little smile.

“Since when do you go running?” he asked.

“Since today,” I replied with a smile.

Now he noticed that the ice between us was melting and he could finally be more free.

“Come on, let's walk around the lake,” he said.

The ducks got louder and louder, and we moved on. There was still some distance between us, but I could sense that we might finally be making a breakthrough.

“I'm tired of constantly working to please you, and you expect me to make you feel the same way as your ex-lover because I'm not her,” I said.

I felt that if I didn't let go of all that was inside me, it would only continue to build up and then burst out all at once.

“I never expected you to be like her,” he replied.

“But you expected the same feeling you had for her because you had attached love to her. And I could do anything, but I couldn't make you feel the same way.”

“We can't force our feelings, as much as we want to, and you know that.”

“That's not what this is about. No one forced you into this relationship and all along I've felt that you like me and feel comfortable with me, you just don't dare to move on and open your heart to me.”

“Because I know that I had a greater impact on you in the beginning and I felt safe as long as I was in the saddle. However, some time passed and I became so attached to you that I immediately pulled up the imaginary handbrake.”

Slowly we came to the end of the park. Our conversation was finally starting to take shape, maybe we'd come to some sort of solution in the end, I hoped.

“When do you think you will finally let me love you? When will you be able to accept that there is someone in your life who only needs you?” I asked angrily.

He was stalling again, trying to avoid the answer. I knew it was too much for him right now, but I couldn't stand to be around a man who wouldn't let me get an inch closer to him, even if I fought.

“But you know, that I...” he stopped midway.

I leaned close and kissed him slowly. A complete tingling went through every part of my body, sweet and painful at the same time. I wanted to stop time and live in this moment, hide it in a little box from the world so no one else could get to it. I hugged him close as a tear rolled down my cheek.

I knew it was only going to get harder as I tried to stall for time. I didn't say goodbye, just turned around. I didn't wait for his words because I didn't need him to say it. I started walking, though I didn't know where yet. I just wanted to go. I needed to keep moving and not think about anything. It would have hurt immensely.