If I'd Known

I started to fall for a boy who had given me a feeling that I never felt before my senior year of high school and my emotions just grew as we grew closer. I opened up to him even if I didn’t want to because I was scared but he would tell me all the time he never would hurt me. I don’t want him to think he’s responsible for me getting hurt, but I was hurt. It hurt more than anything knowing that he promised I wouldn’t though. I was hurt by that dreadful night, I was hurt when he started to disappear, and I was hurt after that night in his car…

“Get frosties with me Si please.” He said his voice sounding distant on the phone 

“I don’t know…” I had just gotten back from my first semester of college and I thought he disappeared on me. I did want to hang out with him because more than anything I wanted to tell him what had happened while I was away because I knew that if anyone could make me feel better about what happened it would be him. 

“Come on I know you’re gonna say yes I know you.” I smiled when he said this and laughed under my breath. 

“Okay, Luka.”

“See you in ten.” He finished and I could feel him smiling from the tone of his voice. He hung up and I held the phone to my ear for a moment longer to hold on to something I thought I lost. I thought I lost him and I couldn’t  help but be excited the entire time I got ready to see him. I was so ready to have him back in my life and maybe I would finally tell him everything not just about what happened this semester but actually everything. 

I got into his grey sedan that was instantly warm when I got in but I wasn’t sure if that was just because of the heat that was on or because of how nervous I was to see him. We sat in the Wendy’s parking lot for two hours and I told him everything about the semester I told him how I struggled I told him about the worst thing that had ever happened to me and yet he still smiled and looked at me the same way he always had. He looked at me with those eyes I fell for and I was about to say it… I started to say it.

“Luka I want to tell you…” My phone started ringing I tried to ignore it to two or three rings but with the phone ringing my confidence disappeared.

 I pulled my phone out of my pocket and answered the FaceTime call I was getting from my friend Tori that I met at school. I chatted with her as she tried to see if anything was happening between us and I had to convince her nothing was happening. I talked to her about how it was being home while the tension I felt in the small car built up more and more, I felt like I was going to explode by the end of the call. I wanted to tell him then and finally get it out but the moment and the confidence I felt was gone so I pushed it off and told myself that the next time there was another moment I would tell him and nothing would stop me. 

I didn’t know that there wouldn’t be another moment though...

If I’d known that was the last time I was going to talk to him I would’ve kissed him. Even if he pushed me away I could say to myself that I did regardless of what the end result was. Those lingering feelings I still feel for him when I simply think of him would be lessened because I know I at least tried. Sure, in that moment I would try to live an entire lifetime in those seconds when my lips were pressed against his. If I’d known his feelings towards me I don’t think I’d be sitting here wondering what if. But that also may be my fault since I never showed how I felt honestly; which is funny looking back. I thought I was so obvious with my feelings towards him I was always so embarrassed by how transparent I thought I was. 

How did he not notice? 

I figured he would’ve noticed simply by my excitement to see him, which to me felt unreal. Seeing him was like the sun breaking through the clouds on a day where you weren’t supposed to see the pale blue sky; however, suddenly the sun breaks through and you feel that warmth. That warmth you didn’t expect to feel. He felt so warm to me, so bright, a feeling that once you feel it it’s so unforgettable and you can’t let go of it because if you do you may never feel it again. However, if I’d known that he was going to go after her I would’ve let go. Maybe I’m wrong, I think I would’ve held on tighter honestly. Maybe I would’ve asked to come over and kick his ass at Mario kart again and tease him for it until he admitted defeat. Maybe I would’ve asked him to drive me home that night instead of waiting over an hour for a ride. Maybe I would’ve played truth or dare in hopes that I could’ve kissed him. Something I longed for, for what seems like an eternity. I wanted to know if our lips pressed against each other’s would that feeling I felt while I was with him consume me. I wonder if he would’ve pulled me in if I kissed him that night in his car. I was so nervous then. When my friend called me and asked if anything was going on, while he was still there, the butterflies I felt in my stomach traveled up to my face creating so much heat. I remember being embarrassed not over the fact that she said that, no, it was because I wanted something to happen that night. I wanted to tell him all the things I felt for him, wanted to see if he felt the things I was feeling. I still don’t know if he ever did. If only I’d known that he would seem to lose contact with me after that night I would’ve said something, anything, to make him continue talking to me. I would’ve said anything so he wouldn’t leave. Even if we were just friends, I think I would’ve been okay. Because now I feel like I lost that sunshine I pined for so desperately. 

If only he’d known my feelings. What would we have become?  

A tidal wave of emotions just drowns me whenever I think about him I have so many questions as to what I really felt for him. When I try to search for answers I think of what we were or in fact are? I don’t know anymore since he’s in my life so little now. I look back on us, our friendship and all we had shared. The stupid and crazy times when we worked, the times I came over, the times we spent alone in his car, I thought those nights would be endless. All of it felt like the sun was just shining for me. Except for that night. That night when I felt like I had lost him. That night when I was dared to kiss his best friend. That night when I saw him kiss her for the first time; I thought my world went dark. But I went on smiling because I wanted everything to be okay, I wanted to not be bothered by it because he was… he is one of my best friends and I couldn’t let my feelings get in the way of that. 

I have to continue thinking like that. That he is one of my best friends, I feel like he always will be. However, when I think about him and that dreaded night I thought I lost the feeling he gave me. I thought I lost a friend. My feelings were so strong I wasn’t sure I could continue being his friend if I didn’t tell him how I felt. I wasn't sure if I could continue being his friend if she would be the topic of our conversations because he needed advice, or to rant, or even if he was just simply happy with her. Of course, I wanted him to be happy, but when I had these overwhelming emotions for him I just… Now I’m starting to sound selfish. 

I need to tell you what happened between me and him, the night that changed everything for me, the night that made my love for him feel like pain. I look back on that night so much I think it might be unhealthy. I wasn’t supposed to come over but it told him I was home by myself, I believe it was the fourth of July, and he couldn’t believe I was home that night. He wanted me to have fun, he knew my past and all I had been through recently and he always tried to cheer me up as much as possible, which for him was so easy. He knew what I was doing to myself and wouldn’t ignore when bandages were on my arms at work. He would know when there were good days and he would know when there were bad ones. Just talking to him could pull me out of any mood I was feeling and make me smile. 

So of course when he heard I was alone he asked me to come over and party with some friends, he coaxed me with liquor and a good time and I couldn’t help but fall for the usual spell of seeing him. His presence was so intoxicating not just for me but he had that same effect on everyone. 

A simple “Come on! Just come over we’ll have fun.” got me. It usually got everyone.

So I came, and I didn’t think I would regret this night, I guess I’m an optimist and I was hopeful that, as he promised, we would have a good time. 

When I got there he placed a drink in my hand without a chance for me to say that I wasn’t sure I was going to drink. I stared at the red solo cup with the mystery liquid in it, I was going to ask him what was in it but when I looked up he was smiling that stupid smile at me. My heart fluttered and I felt butterflies swarm in my stomach, I didn’t even ask what was in the drink I downed almost the entire thing to hopefully get rid of the butterflies with the burning from the alcohol. I followed him into the living room there weren’t many people there I say 30 the most, but I’m probably wrong, there weren’t many people I didn’t know so I was glad I wouldn’t feel awkward and alone. I drank with our friends, we played games to get us drunker faster, we drank until the word seemed to smile with us. Maybe it was the alcohol or me just having a good time but my mind ignored the things going on around me. I ignored the fact that she would press up against him even though she knew what I felt for him, I guess I ignored the fact his arm found its way around her shoulders, I guess I ignored someone else's eyes being focused on me. Perhaps my mind hid what was really happening around me so I wouldn’t be hurt but I don’t think I’ll ever really know if that’s true. 

Someone suggested that we go swimming, I happily agreed I wanted to cool off and I loved to swim. So a few of us went to the pool in his backyard, why I decided to do what I did next I couldn’t tell you. Instead of getting my bathing suit I had left in my car I just took my shirt off letting the cool summer night air hit my bare skin. I felt slightly exposed in my black bra but then I saw everyone else joining in as well. I swallowed hard and felt my heart starting to beat really fast, with the mixture of anxious adrenalin I took my chance and unbuttoned my shorts and pulled them down quickly. It’s stupid to feel more exposed in a bra and underwear when it’s the same as a bikini but I didn’t feel right like that. I feel vulnerable. 

Now the girl I mentioned before, the one who knew I liked him; the one who I told for the first time “I think I might like Luka.” and yet was still trying to try things with him… That’s Mel. She sat at the edge of the pool with her feet dangling in next to his. She was talking to another friend of his; the one whose eyes were locked on me without me knowing. I slowly walked into the pool and let the water reach up to my chest as I hesitantly made my way to the group. 

“Just go for it.” She said to him. Out of curiosity, I let my body go under the water and I started to swim over to hear what was going on. 

“You think I should?” He responded looking over at Luka. 

Suddenly Luka’s eyes were on me, behind them was something like fear or sadness, not the usual eyes I had come to fall for. I didn’t like how he was looking at me so I started to keep my distance, I’d never seen him look at me like that. The look in his eyes made me nervous about what was going on over there, and what was going on inside his head. 

 “I don’t know.” He said quietly with his eyes not leaving mine. 

“Come on what’s the worst that could happen? Sierra come here!” Mel said loudly, after she called me over I reluctantly swam over to the group. 

There was a small exchange between all of us, most of which I can't remember very clearly because of what happened at the end of it. He was quiet, I wasn’t sure about their idea and if I wanted to follow through but I don’t think I had a choice, their minds were already set that it was going to happen. His friend grabbed me around the waist and pulled me closer to him, his hand slipped behind my head and he pulled me in for a kiss. He was rough, his hand around my waist started to explore and he shoved his tongue down my throat, I took all my strength and pushed on his chest to get myself away from him.

Why do these things always happen to me?

He looked annoyed that I pushed him away I guess he thought I would embrace his hormone-driven kiss; In all honesty, he wasn’t even that good nor was he the person I was hoping to kiss that night. This for some reason brought me back, my drunkenness disappeared almost instantly and I was beyond uncomfortable in my own skin more than I was when I stripped down to my underwear. I started tearing up for some reason. Mel and Luka’s friend started having an exchange about what just happened, she was laughing while he was mad and throwing his hands around but I couldn’t help but tune it out. I looked at Luka helplessly and I couldn’t find those eyes, he wouldn’t look at me, he just looked down looking like he hoped to disappear. I didn’t know then but maybe this is when I started to lose him. 

Regardless the night still went on people drunk and stupid, and his friend and I avoiding each other. I think his friend wanted to ask me if the kiss was really that bad or I hoped he was going to apologize but it seemed like he backed out after locking eyes with me. I wasn’t drinking anymore, I felt sick to my stomach and I didn’t think I could hold anything down. I just wanted to talk to Luka but maybe he thought I was mad at him, I mean after this I would even make jokes about him having to make it up to me and he seemed to take it seriously sometimes. But right now I just wanted to sit with him, talk to him, make each other smile. I just wanted to be with Luka right now. That’s why I came there in the first place. 

I walked around his house looking for him, I asked our mutual friends if they had seen him but they gave me a pitying look and let the lies slip from their tongues “No I haven't.” 

I decided that I would just look around with a cup in my hand so no one would try to get me to drink. I felt like his house once so familiar had become a maze of people who were dancing against each other, kissing and practically have sex anywhere they thought was fine. I was in this clusterfuck of hormones everywhere and I had to get some air, or just get out of there in general. So I went to his back porch that overlooked the entire backyard I ran over to the railing and leaned against it with my head hanging down, I took a few deep breaths and prayed I was alone even just for a few seconds. After getting a few deep breaths in and finally starting to feel okay, I looked up and suddenly I wasn’t able to breathe again. I wish I hadn't looked up because I wasn’t alone I had a front-row view of something I wish I would’ve never seen. It was Luka and Mel, both their feet dipped in the pool just like before he looked so peaceful and I guess she thought they were alone because she took the opportunity she saw and leaned in for a kiss. At first, he looked surprised and I hoped he would’ve pulled away, but he didn’t, he leaned in embracing the kiss letting his hand find it’s way behind her head into her hair just has his friends had a while ago. But unlike my horrible kiss, theirs looked like they both wanted it like they both wanted each other more than anything else in that moment. The fact that I was standing out in the summer heat and I was just a few steps away from a house full of people didn’t change the way I felt, cold and alone. I didn’t even realize I was crying until salty tears reached the edges of my lips and I could taste it on my tongue. At that point I didn’t care if I cried, I just let it all go because I just felt so broken inside. That night I felt like the sun was consumed by darkness and I thought it would never return. 

  You see in that moment he kissed her thought I was going to lose someone who cared about me. Sometimes I start to wonder if he had ever cared about me. Then I think about that sunshine, that feeling I felt when I was around him and I know he cared because why would I feel it? There was no way I felt that without being cherished to some degree, and so I think he had always cared about me because that feeling never changed even when I thought it did. It was strong, powerful and incredible. And it still is. When I first met him I didn’t expect my feelings to grow into something like this. 

I remember when we first met at work, I mean most likely this wasn’t the first time we had met I’m sure we had worked shifts together but this moment stands out to me and it always will because that was the first time Luka really entered my life. I had been at work for what felt like days, which there was usually only about an hour. He came in late as usual and he looked lost and like it was his first day there, but I knew it wasn’t. There was this look in his eyes and for some reason, it was so funny to me they were dazed and confused however adorable at the same time.

“You look like a lost puppy.” I told him while pausing what I was doing and looking him in those eyes 

At first, he jokingly made it seem like the comment hurt him but then he laughed, and that was the first time I felt it. It felt like I was on fire when he laughed at something I had said. I felt a jolt of energy surge through my body like I was being electrocuted. It was quick and alarming at the moment but afterward when that feeling still faintly lingers in your body, for some reason you have a strange desire to feel it again. Little did I know this desire would grow into something more, something so imaginable to me, so carelessly I chased it. There I decided I’d keep calling him “puppy” it would make him laugh and it would keep giving me that feeling was chasing. You see if I had known that chasing this feeling would result in the confusion and the pain I feel now, I’m not sure I would’ve followed it.

 But that’s me just trying to fool myself, I was already hooked on the electricity I felt with him.

 I know there was probably no way I wasn’t going to try and chase this. It’s like when someone is addicted to drugs they chase after that first high they get even if they don’t think they should. However, unlike those who become addicted to a certain substance, I got that feeling, again and again, every time I was with him. I got that same feeling every time I interacted with him, every time he sent a smile my way, every time he touched me.

How did he not notice? How did he not feel it? Did he even feel it?

He’s something else. He is truly something else. Because I don’t think anyone has ever set this flame in me, this burning desire for a feeling that could just be my imagination. 

I’ve always had this scenario in my head, this curiosity if I did say it. If I did say 

“I love you Luka.” 

What would he do? What would he say? And if I did tell him maybe just maybe he would know this feeling. And what if he’d known this feeling? This feeling I feel when I’m with him. That burning and electric feeling I felt when he first laughed at something I had said. The feeling of desire afterward. And finally the sunshine I feel when I’m with him, that same feeling I pine for to this day. Would he chase it too?