Why Father?

Why must I do this? This endless pain of searching and killing those in our way? All because of what my father lost? This is what my life is and this is what my life is going to be like. So much bloodshed and nothing to atone for it because there is nothing. So much pain and sadness that we have caused.

I've seen children dead in the streets their young lives taken too soon and all because of greed! My father's greed! This is his fault! Everything is his fault! All the pain and suffering that people have gone through all because of his greed.

If it were up to me none of us would be doing anything for it is not our useless fight. We play no part in this fight this greed of his. Then again it's the greed that wishes me to have a family.

I left my wife, my love, my queen behind because it was not safe for her. I left all hopes of happiness and safety behind to follow my father. I was stupid and careless with my life so I have to pay the price. I will never hear a child's laughter as they run through my halls. I will never teach them how to fight or sing. I will never be the father I wish to be all because mine was too full of greed to care about the lives of others.

My father has that seven times and only one of us is ever able to have it. The worst part is he does not even love the woman whom he married. I want to know what it felt like to watch children grow and play as I teach them how to do the things my parents taught me. I wish to see my wife smile as I hold her in my arms while our child plays in the flowers.

I do not want to spend my days following a father who filled with such greed. Such greed that he does not care about the lives of others. Lives lost to the point they cannot return and so many I cannot begin to count.

I can remember when my brothers were little how mother and father would have Maedhros and I watch them. Their small faces grinning as they played and looked up to me. I remember when they would chase after me as well as when we play around outside. I wished for children of my own since my brothers had grown into the lords they are now.

When I married my wife I had wanted kids, but then the oath got created so I had to leave her behind. My heart still yearns for her day and night to the point I write ballads for her. She is my queen so I miss her every day when I do the simplest of tasks.

I can still remember the words of the oath that he forced us to take:

"Be he foe or friend, be he foul or clean,

brood of Morgoth or bright Vala, Elda or Maia or Aftercomer,

A man yet unborn upon Middle-earth, neither law, nor love, nor league of swords, dread nor danger,

not Doom itself shall defend him from Fëanor, and Fëanor's kin, whoso hideth or hoarded,

or in hand taketh, finding keepeth or afar casteth a Silmaril.

This swear we all: death we will deal him ere Day's ending, woe unto world's end!

Our word hear thou, Eru Allfather!

To the everlasting Darkness doom us if our deed faileth.

On the holy mountain hear in witness and our vow remember, Manwë and Varda!"

The words still ring in my head as I look upon the water of the ocean. Everything hurts from the memories as I stand with my feet in the sand as the breeze moving through my dark hair. I can still remember all their smiling faces throughout the year. Now it's only me. Only me. I am the last one and I cannot go home. I cannot face my mother or my wife. I have failed the Fëanorian name.

I.

Have.

Failed.

Or not. I have done what my father has wanted. I am the last of them. The last of his children and the last of his name. I have done what he wanted, but not in the way he wanted it done. I fought and killed for him and it costed everything that I loved and wanted. No, I did not fail him for I do not answer to him. He is my father, but he cannot control my life from where he is.

I had my family one made of two boys named Elrond and Elros. Beautiful little boys who grew into mighty and amazing warriors. I longed for a family for I did not have one, but I did. I had my sons.

My beautiful dark-haired sons who grew into great Lords and Kings. I have grandsons and granddaughters who I love more than anything. I may not have spent the time raising kids with the love of my life, but I spent it raising them with my brother.

My older brother who I looked up too and loved so much. The only one I looked up too for he was the older, only one. He was my idle and I used to tease him about his hair in the summer. I remember it would frizz up and turn into curls before he would get grumpy.

My sons would tease him about it as well, but he would only tease them back. It was simpler then so much happiness and peace. Then one chose to be mortal and the other elven kind like he was born. It tore our little family apart after that with so much pain that we had. Not to soon Maedhros died as well by his own hand while my only son moved and married an elleth.

Now I'm alone again. I have not failed, but I am alone.