Wilted Flowers

The rain fell heavily on the brick house. The house that once felt so familiar now felt cold and empty. The rain would usually calm me. This time was different. The sound of every drop that hit against the tin roof once grounded me, now it felt like gunshots to my chest. My heart pounded faster than the steady rhythm of rain. I gazed outside into the bleak nothingness. Expecting something, anything. Even if I didn't know what. Maybe something to snap me from my thoughts; a crack of lightning, a gust of wind or perhaps someone running through the storm to find me. The rain continued, louder and louder with every second. I could feel my lungs in my throat. I felt as if I would drown in my oxygen.

My pale hands trembled. My eyes stared down at them. I begged over and over to hear a knock on that door. I didn't care who it was, even the nosy neighbour next door.

My fingers tapped nervously against the kitchen table in time with the heavy rain. The tip of my finger hit old oak wood that had been hand-crafted by the man I swore my life to. The man I stood at an altar with promising so many things. Promises I had just broken within three days.

My gaze slowly trailed up to the wilting flowers that sat in a pretty vase with dead petals littered around it. A gift from a woman I had fallen for. They only reminded me of all my broken promises.

My eyes darted from the hand-crafted table to the flowers. Their names repeated over and over between the objects.

Alana.

James.

Alana.

James.

Alana.

My thoughts broke when I heard a knock at the door. I had been praying for it all night. Now that it was happening I was terrified.

I stood up on my unsteady feet. My legs moved before I even had the chance to panic. The cold steel of the door handle grounded me while I slowly opened it.

My heart calmed itself. Seeing his face always calmed me. Even if he did look at me differently now.

'James,' his name came out like I had a rope tied around my neck.

'Alice,' he replied. I could see some of the anger was gone. All I could see was exhaustion and pain.

'I'm sorry,' the words left my lips before I could stop it. I had said that word so many times in the past few days. I knew it meant less the more I said it.

'I spoke to her,' he said. My heart seized in my chest.

'Alana,' my voice was only a whisper as I spoke her name.

'Funny, I built her up in my head to be this evil mistress. Turns out she's just a human that fell for someone,' he said. His voice was quiet. I reached forward and cautiously took his hand. Ready for him to pull away from me. When he didn't I guided him inside and out of the storm.

'I'll put the kettle on,' I said. As I went to walk away he pulled me into a tight hug. I stood frozen with wide eyes. My arms slowly wrapped around him, my eyes falling closed. My heartbeat finally relaxed while he held me.

'I'm still mad at you, but I missed you,' his voice was only a whisper. It was everything I needed at that moment. I was about to say sorry once more before I stopped myself. I knew that word didn't mean anything now.

We sat in silence, the only sound was the rain that had finally slowed down. I stared at the steam rising from my cup of tea.

‘She told me you haven’t spoken to her since it happened,’ his eyes were staring down at his mug as well. I knew he was too scared to look into my eyes, ‘she felt just as guilty for all of this. But, I reassured her it wasn’t her fault.’

My eyes trailed up, finally having the courage to look at him. He looked tired. I wanted nothing more than to comfort him. But this time I was the reason for his exhaustion and pain.

‘Did you know,’ he took a pause, I could guess the question even before he continued, ‘you liked women too?’

‘No, I didn’t know,’ I held the warm mug in my hand. Trying to stop myself from trembling. ‘It never even crossed my mind before now.’

The guilt in my body was becoming stronger like I was sinking in concrete that was hardening faster than I could climb out.

‘I don’t know why I did it. I was so happy to have a new friend and then suddenly it didn’t feel like friendship,’ I kept my eyes down, ‘then I kissed her and I felt stuff I’d never felt before. I wanted to understand what it was, so I kept going.’

The silence between us was deafening. There was so much more I wanted to say. I couldn’t even begin to find the right words.

‘You should’ve talked to me, I would’ve understood,’ he said. Of course, he would’ve understood. That’s just who he was.

‘I didn’t want to admit it. Saying it out loud meant it was true,’ I pause, my hands grasping the mug even tighter, ‘I never thought it would be me to hurt you like this.’

His eyes glanced at the flowers sitting on the table.

‘A part of me understands, another part of me is scared I’m being stupid for even considering forgiving you,’ he looked at me, a sense of longing in his eyes, ‘I know you, I know you’re not the kind of person to do something to hurt me. That’s why I’m so caught in between.’

My eyes went from his to the flowers. I thought about that night.

‘I barely remember what was going through my mind. It just happened and I felt things I hadn’t felt before,’ I said.

‘Do you want to see her again?’

I looked at him. I couldn’t say no because I knew I would be lying.

‘I want to see her again to talk to her,’ I paused, letting myself catch my breath, ‘but, nothing else.’

‘I want to work through this, I want to understand it,’ he said. I looked at him, my eyes softening.

‘But, you have to choose between her and me,’ he said. I took a breath, letting what he said hang in the air.

‘I’ll always choose you without a thought. But, I’m scared about these feelings coming up again,’ I said. It was something I was terrified to admit. He reached forward and gently took my hand in his. The fact that he was so understanding somehow made me feel even worse.

‘If it comes up again then we’ll work through it together, work through these feelings,’ he said. The tears I forced away for so long were finally bubbling to the surface.

‘How can you be so understanding about this?’

‘Because I know you more than anyone. I know this is something you’re tearing yourself up over. You made a mistake, one that hurt. But, we’ve been through a lot already. If you’re willing to communicate with me whenever these feelings come up again then I know we will be okay,’ he said. I squeezed his hand, trying not to let my tears spill. The guilt was still eating away at me on the inside. Although now it felt less painful.

‘I choose you, okay? And, I will talk to you about every feeling I get from now on,’ I said. My voice was only a whisper while I tried to keep myself from breaking down into a sobbing mess. The rain outside picked up once more, but this time it didn’t seem so scary.

‘We’ll be okay, love.’

I managed a sad smile. I looked into his eyes, his hand squeezing mine.

We’ll be okay.