Sienna

 I don’t know why I did it. Maybe because I was just done. Maybe because I wanted to stop overthinking things and thought that this was the easiest way. I always loved a thrill, that's what my mom said. Maybe I was tired of not being wanted, not being happy unless I had that thrill. Maybe I just didn’t want one more day of being that odd one, the retard. Some people would have turned to alcohol, drugs, but I wanted it to be done. So there were no sufferings, so I didn't have to face life when I was sober so that no one could change my mind. Tell me to look for the bright side, the good things about life. My mom always said I was “different”, “special” but when you're a teenage girl those words don’t really calm the aching pain in your chest. I was too “special” for my dad. At least that's my theory on why he left. One more thing that used to weigh down on my shoulders every day. Don’t cry bastard you shouldn’t have left me in the first place. I always feel bad when I see my mom sitting in her chair with puffy eyes and a picture of me in her hand. For some reason, I feel like I did her a favor for ending it. I made her life a better place. Though when I dig deep I know the only person I helped was myself. My mom was so good to me but, I still always felt lonely, helpless, useless and so much more. 

I would crawl into bed each night and say “Tomorrow is it, that's the day.” 

That went on for a year. My mom, of course, noticed that I was going through this stage in my life but thought that it was no more than a faze. Every once and a while she would ask 

“Are you, okay sweetheart, you seem a little off?” With a sassy tone, I would reply 

“I’m fine.” When this happened I would always feel more invisible. 

I would think “Not even my mom would notice that I am depressed.” I look down at my house, a crime scene, my mom a suspect. She looks up at me almost as if she can see me floating around. 

She says “Why did you do it, Sienna? I love you so much! I promise to join you someday but, I am trying to move on. Though I definitely never will. Your dad came back, he was crying with his new wife by his side. That dick! I wish I could have helped you but, if you are happier now that makes it the slightest bit better. Please god, tell her I love her. Tell her I would do anything to have her back in my arms. To see her beautiful face one last time and to say goodbye or make her want to keep living. Sienna, my precious darling you will always be in my heart and I love you just as much dead as alive. Sienna, my little girl, I wish you would have talked to me. Anyway, I hope you get this goodbye. I will see you soon my baby, I hope you will keep waiting for me.”

 I smile because I am happy, so happy and from that point on I know I have made the right choice. 

My alarm beeps a heavy red, the start of my horrible day begins. I try to find the meaning in life, but I don’t really think there is one. I just don’t get why anyone would want to live. I click snooze and drift back to sleep, only to be woken up yet again but this time by my mom. I softly open my eyes and get dressed. I wear black shirts on black pants with black shoes. Trendy, I know. I don’t talk unless it is necessary, so yeah, we have a pretty silent morning in my household. I thank my mom and walk like a snail to school, making sure I am always there, but not a minute early.  

I go to my locker and grab my books, I pass Lilian and Max in the hallway. They are the popular bitches, oh I mean besties.

 “Nice look Sienna,” Lilian shouts.

 “Oh fuck off!” I reply and flip her the bird. 

I used to care what they thought of me, believe it or not, Lilian and I used to be friends. Actually, I’m pretty sure everyone believes it, it’s classic basic bitch shit. Now that I think about it, maybe I have some anger issues too. I walk into class right on time, not one to bring attention to myself by making those huge dramatic late entrances, just get to class on time or don’t fucking come at all. You can probably guess I don’t have many friends, and no I don’t have that loyal bestie that sticks by my side through all the hard times. I used to date a lot, so a couple of the boys don’t treat me like a total psychopath. James even sometimes eats lunch behind the school with me. He says I’m nice to vent to, but I know he just wants sex that he’s never going to get. My mom sent me to a therapist once, I remember it so clearly, the therapist took one look at me, gave me a prescription and told me to come back if it got any worse. I mean I live in the middle of Iowa so what the fuck did she want from the local therapist. I go through the day moving from class to class, though I never really feel like I am there.

I sit down in math which is surprisingly my favorite class. I just like that one thing is kind of universal, but I’m just not in the math mood. I go to my favorite spot in the school, behind the science department. No one ever disturbs me there. I see Lilian through the window, sometimes I like to remember the times when she would do anything for me. In fourth grade we were voted the classes BFF’s, look how well that went. 

So, you're probably wondering where it all went wrong and funny enough it was not over a boy. Well it all started with Mc' Snuggles, yeah that was my dog, well stuffed animal dog. One day I brought Mc’Snuggs to school with me. I showed him to everyone for show tell in 5th grade. Thinking back, I might have been a tad bit immature. But, everyone loved him. The next day it was Lillian’s show and tell. She brought in a large rock. I mean it was so fucking cool, not. The whole class started bitch howling, yeah, me included. Well she got so jealous and mad that she beheaded Mc’Snuggs. And we never talked again. 

Oh that's so embarrassing, you guys totally believed that. Of course it was over a boy. I mean you have lived, right? Ok, I’ll give you the real story this time. One day, this guy named John, who Lillian had been crushing on for ages, gave me a Valentine. I mean obviously I wasn’t upset, but I was kind of, well, nothing. 

I went up to her and said, “Hey Lillian, I am really sorry, but I think John likes me.” 

“Why would you think that?” She asked, already snappy. 

“Um, he gave me this,” I said, handing her the Valentine. 

“Ugh, how could you! You’ve always been jealous of me and trying to steal everything that's mine.” 

“Me, jealous of you? All you want is attention! All you want is to be liked! You work so hard to be someone you are not and I just can’t take it anymore!” 

Okay, maybe some of it was my fault too, but we were never really destined anyway. 

I look at my watch and math class is almost done so I get up from the ground and start walking. I don’t really know where I am walking, until I finally arrive home. I guess I’ll leave school a little early today, oops. 

Today was just one of those days that I just didn’t give a damn, well truth be told everyday is kind of one of those days. I went up to my room and started watching netflix, just because I’m miserable doesn’t mean I can’t like a good laugh. I start to do my homework, but honestly what is the point. It’s not like learning about bonding in chemistry or studying for my grammar test with help much. I mean I always wanted to be a math professor and have all those kids kiss my ass, but god knows that day probably won’t come. 

I hear the front door open and I know that my mom must be home. 

“Honey, I’m home!” she hollers.

I of course don’t respond. Sometimes I feel bad that I’m such a bitch to my mom, but today is not one of those days. 

“I have some news honey. Your dad is having a baby,” she says with a hint of jealousy in her voice. 

“Good for him,” I reply. 

That dick, he gets to go off and have some whole other life without me. Well, at least he's happy I hope him and Diane raise a nice little child, maybe they won’t be as fucked up as I am. 

I sat down for another silent meal of leftovers and flat coke, it's the Richardson special. The silence continues until my slice is done and I excuse myself from the table. I head up to my room and scroll through Instagram, I’m that bored. I see that an account has tried to follow me, so I accept to see who in the world would want to follow me. I scroll through the posts as a single tear trickles down my face. I’m not one to cry, but this was unbearable. I rush to the bathroom as more tears run down my face. I open up the cabinet and pull out the blade that I have picked up so many times before. I start to cut, a thing that I am far too used to. The pain and control relaxing me momentarily. Then I start to go deeper, lower and then I move up to my wrists. With two large swipes a cut deep into the skin of my wrists screaming in pain. 

My vision goes black.