I See You

It’s a sunny day, spring always comes with much warmth to melt the icy feelings winter has given us. But for someone who loves winter, this sunny, lovely weather is nothing but a hot day.

“Mila!” my friend Anita shouts “Wait don’t get in the bus just yet, wait for me!!” she is running towards me. I can the sweat on her forehead and how much she is struggling to breath yet she says as she reaches me “What a lovely day, huh?” heavily breathing.

I move my head to the left, give her the look of –seriously? – Then stick a tissue on her forehead “Clean that! Nice weather my ass!” I say as we get in the bus. It moves a little before it stops again. Some tall guy enters, he is walking head down, earphones on, a huge back bag.

“Nerd!” Anita comments.

“Mind your words, would you?” I gaze at her.

I know the guy. I have seen him so many times in our neighborhood. He is always alone even at school. It seems like his earphones are his only friend. The whole trip from the bus stop till school I was observing him. Anyone would look at me now would think that I am checking him out. The bus stops and here we are at school, finally!!

As soon as I step out I face this group of people.

“Hey Mila!” they shout “Anita, hey!”

Suddenly I am surrounded by a huge crowd. I look behind me and there he is coming outside the bus, all alone, nobody waiting for him, nobody cheering for him or walking by his side. At a glance, you can see a total two different worlds. One where someone is the center of everything and one where someone is outside that whole circle.  

“Are you okay?” Anita asks “you have been acting weird today, is there any problem?”

“No! All is good. Let’s go--” I exclaim with much energy in my voice. How does it feel to be him, I ask myself in silence. Does he ever get bored? Does he feel lonely? Did anything happen to him that made him isolate himself? Out of a sudden, I was all about knowing him. I excuse myself and ask the guys to go without me. They insist on waiting but I just refuse. When you are surrounded by hundreds of people, one ‘NO’ is never enough. You have to repeat yourself dozens of times in order for them to get it.

I follow him from behind. He has been walking in a straight line for too long. Now he is climbing the straits. I follow. We are on the rooftop. He throws his bag on the floor and lay down facing the sky. I walk slowly and face him. His eyes are closed so I just lay next to him and face the sky as well. Waiting and waiting for something to happen.

“You will miss your class.” He says calmly.

I open my eyes real quick! Probably I fell asleep with all that silence “What?!!”

“Your class!” he repeats as he stands up.

“Omg!! I never missed a class in my entire studying career!” I shout “what would I do?” then I turn to him “That’s all because of you!!” I point at him.

“I didn’t ask you to follow me.” He goes again all calm

“What about your classes?”

“That’s not any of your business. Now go ahead and leave me alone, would you?” he orders me.

“That’s rude! I just wanted to check on you.”

“Why would you do that?”

“You are always alone so I thought maybe you are having some troubles or maybe you need a friend to talk to. Earphones will damage your ears if you keep plugging them all day long.” I say feeling like I am lecturing him.

“Thank you for your concern but I am fine. And for the headphones…” he says as he approaches me “there is nothing coming out of them, I just use them so people will not approach me.” He continues plugging one of the earphones in my ear “but it seems like I need to change my trick!” he smiles.

“Oh! Ha-ha. I just thought you might need company. Well, I already am late for class, so I will stick around for a bit longer. Hope you don’t mind.”

“Even if I mind, you have nowhere to go now!”

“I have a lot of friends you know. I am sure I will find someone, if not a group, waiting for me!” I claim.

“You think?” he says walking away to the edge of the rooftop.

I follow him “Of course. Maybe you didn’t notice as you always walk head down but there is always a crowd waiting for me wherever I go. Plus, I can make friends easily.” I brag.

“Are they really your friends?” he asks all serious.

“Sure! Why wouldn’t they be?”

“How much do you know about every one of them?” he looks at me questioning.

“Does that matter? We hang up together, that’s enough to consider someone a friend.” I respond all confident with my answer.

“That just what you do with a stranger. This way, they are not friends, they are just bodies you keep around so you don’t feel lonely.” He explains.

“How would you know? You have no friends.” I attack him feeling guilty.

“You don’t need to have friends to know this. Someone who doesn’t know anything about you is always a stranger.”

“They know things. I am sure they know a lot ha-ha” I laugh as if I am proud with the many friends I have.

“You next class is about to start, you better get going now!”

“What about you?”

“I do me, you do you.” He waves.

I go back to class and I keep thinking about what he told me. What if after all the time I spent with these guys, all they know about me is my name?

“Mila! Where have you been? The teacher asked about you but I could manage to lie and I guess he just accepted it because you are never absent. Where were you?” Anita asks walking me to my seat.

“I went to the toilet and I took some time there. Couldn’t just come after I was late so I waited until the second session starts.” I lie but she wouldn’t tell.

“Are you okay now?” she asks

“Yeah” I smile… “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure! What’s up?”

“How much do you know about me?”

“Where did this come from? Are you sure you are okay?”

“Just asking…”

“Focus on the lesson now! You don’t want to miss another session.” She says turning to face the teacher.

After class, I run upstairs.

“You were right…” I say but I see no one there. So I run down to the bus stop hoping I could find him. I am there but he is not. Where would he go? As the buses moves, I see someone on the other side. So tall, headphones, head down. It’s him! I try to shout his name “…” I don’t know it yet. I wait for the cars to stop so I can cross the street. He walks too fast, I am afraid to lose track of him. I run to catch him.

“You… You were right!” I pat his back and say as I try to catch my breaths.

“Excuse me?”

I look up and it is not him… “Sorry, I …” I just leave hopeless. Where would I find him! He is an introvert so he would definitely go home but I don’t know where his home is. Wait, the neighborhood!

I run to the playground behind our neighborhood! I search for him like a crazy. I never felt like this before, like I am left behind. I am looking everywhere, maybe I could find him at any corner. I am searching but I don’t seem to find a trace. Dummy me, someone would tell me to wait for tomorrow to come and meet him again at school but where is that someone now. You know what to do but you don’t do it because our human nature obliges us to depend on others.

I sit on the ground, my face buried in my thighs, my ears covered by my hands. I am breathing heavily. What is happening to me?

Someone is patting my back gently, big warm hand. Calm voice saying “Are you okay?”

I turn back and it’s him! He is here “Where have you been?!” I shout at him.

“Why are you shouting? What happened?”

I cry “You were right, nobody knows me! It was all just pretending!”

“You are okay! You will be fine. Don’t worry it’s just reality. These feelings are painful because the glass inside you has gotten shattered.”

“Huh?” I say wiping my tears and my runny nose.

“You built a world where you don’t fit. You pretended to love things you don’t so that you can be loved. You thought everyone and everything is about you but now you figured. You were wrong!”

“No, that’s not true. They just didn’t spend much time to know me that’s all.” I defend them.

“You are still insisting?”

“Well I will have you right?”

“You don’t even know me!”

“I will get to know you and you will get to know me. Easy!”

“Be introverted to the world and extroverted to yourself.”

“What is that supposed to mean!!” I start crying again.

“Get to know yourself before you get anyone to be your friend. That’s all I mean! Don’t just follow, be yourself!”

“What would an introvert know?”

“Do you even remember how you used to be?”

“Have we met before today?”

“You have a mirror in your bag right?”

“Why are you changing the topic?!” answer me I shout crying.

“Just get it.”

I look at the mirror and there is no one near me. Where is he?? Where did he go again? I look to my side and there he was. I throw the mirror away and move few steps from him.

“Who are you? What are you?” I shout

“Dylan! Your best friend since middle school and who died last year this time exactly!”

“What!? That is impossible. I can feel you and hear you! What do you mean, stop lying!”

“Don’t be like that Mila please. I thought we got you out of that zone!” he approaches me

“Nonsense again! Shut up!”

“Please! Stop this!!”

I feel someone hugging me from behind. I turn real slow shaking, my eyes are waterfall.

“Let’s stop here. I can’t watch more of this!” Anita says hugging me tight.

As soon as I see her, I can hold back anymore so I just cry more and shout “What is going on I feel like I am going nuts!”

“It’s okay. I will explain it all once you calm down. Now, sit down please.” She is in tears.

I just don’t seem to stop crying. It feels like my heart is going out of my chest. It’s too painful. I can’t breathe, and my hands are shaking!

“I knew something would happen so I followed you all day long and you didn’t even feel me there. I was with you on the rooftop but after you went to the class I thought things are okay. Then I followed you after it and …” she starts crying. “I am sorry, I really am I didn’t answer you!”

I lost sense of time and place. I am there shocked now aware what is going on. I can’t even hear Anita talking to me. She pours cold water on me and I wake up. I take deep breaths, stand up and walk away. She follows me with my bag and she keeps a distance, few steps behind.

“Let’s go home.” She says

“Um”

“I will explain what happened.”

“Um”

“You will be okay. It happens”

“Um”

I am dragging my feel not able to walk like normal humans.

“Stop.”

“Um”

“I said stop!” she comes in front of me and slaps me “Wake up!”

I fall to the ground and start crying again “Just tell me what is going on inside my head. I feel like it is going to explode.”

“I wish I knew much. I was hoping you would open up and tell me details but you didn’t. All I know is that Dylan was your best friend and you lost him this time last year when he was out buying anniversary cake!”

“Anniversary?”

“Yes, your friendship anniversary! That’s what your mother told me. She told me that you were always in your room, never had friends and barely talked. Until Dylan came and became your neighbor. It seems like he was an extrovert, he was loud and noisy. Little by little he made you break free from that shell. He helped you make a lot of friends. You loved him so much and that’s why it hurts this much now!”

“Then why am I this way? Why do I have a lot of people around me?”

“You don’t friend them! You don’t even know their names or how they look like. I can tell by the way you look at them. I am not a psychiatrist but probably you wanted to be him. Or maybe part of you still lives inside of you.”

“A-ha! Then why are you …”

“I live in Dylan’s house. You kept calling me Dylan at some moments and your mother talked to me about this. So I let you be. I will be Dylan if you want to and I will be Anita when you are ready!” she smiles, helping me get up.

“Um” swallowing back my sorrow.

More tears are coming down now but I am calm. We walk home, I take a cold shower. I still see him. My extroverted best friend!